


Normalcy

by narrywings



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexic!Zayn, Anxiety Disorder, Attempted Sucide, Bulimia, Clingy!Niall, Deppression, Eating Disorders, Fluffy Moments, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mentions of sucide, Mood Swings, Most characters suffer bouts of depression, Panic Attacks, Possessive!Harry, Self Harm, Triggers, Violence, Violent!Louis, breakdowns, dark pasts, dark themes, depressed!liam, don't read if the above tags affect you, hurt!Niall, hurt!harry, innocent!niall, psycho!louis, psychopathic behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 19:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 91,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/969561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narrywings/pseuds/narrywings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summery: Josh has always wanted to work with people with mental health issues ever since his grandma had been diagnosed with Dementia when he had been younger. But now as he enters the bizarre world of Betwixt and Between Psychiatric Hospital he realises he may have signed up for more than he bargained for. Featuring adorable Narry, twisted Louis, brooding Zayn and confused Liam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Normal

**Author's Note:**

> Note: Okay so I have no idea how Psychiatric Hospitals are run. So please just go along with this okay. It’s so the good of the story! :D
> 
> This may be triggering for some people! Mentions of self-harm, eating disorder and mental health issues! Please do not read if this affects you in any way!

Normalcy: being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning.

Josh has always wanted to work with people with mental health issues ever since his grandma had been diagnosed with Dementia when he had been younger. She had been a kind, loving lady who had looked after him like a son. She had always volunteered to look after him over the summer months when his parents had been busy with work and couldn’t look after him. She had taken him so many places and had taught him so many things. She had even encouraged him to pursue a career in music that he had wanted after discovering a dusty old drum set; even though his parents had scorned the idea.

“Live your dreams. Don’t just dream about them Joshua” she had told him.

By all rights he was far closer to his grandma then he had ever been to his mother. She had been that perfect little old lady who would bake sweet treats and knit woolly scarfs in the winter for him.

But that had all changed when he had been 15 and she started to forget things. It was simple things really, like where had she put the milk? Or had she really put the ice crème in the oven? It progressively got worse until she couldn’t recognise his mother and then eventually even he became a stranger in her eyes.

She would fight and scream and cry at them to get out of her house until she became a danger to herself and had to go into a special care home. He would go and visit her still. Sometimes she would remember him and would smile and ask about how school was going. She would always ask him not to come saying that if it upset him so much then he really shouldn’t put himself through it. Other times she would be angry and confused and ask him who he was. It broke his heart every time and he couldn’t believe that she no longer recognised him.

So after a while he stopped introducing himself every time, unless she recognised him first. He would pretend he was there for someone else and would simply sit by her bed telling her about himself and never le on to who he really was.

In the end however she was moved out of the home and into a hospital as she was dying.

A blood clot they said.

She didn’t have long to live and in her final moments she was herself. She had reached out to him with a weak hand and he took it into his own and held it close.

“Promise me something won’t you Joshua?” she said with a raspy voice.

He nodded his head unable to say anything due to the lump in his throat and misty eyes.

“Go and live your dreams, and don’t you cry. I’m off now. Going to go and see that troublemaker of a husband of mine. I’ll give him your love shall I?”

He nodded and sobbed as she closed her eyes for the last time, vowing to follow his new dream.

So he had gone back to school. He got the grades he needed and progressed to college. From there he finally went to his desired university to achieve the correct knowledge, skills and certificates needed to advance into a career of nursing.

After that he picked out a specific psychiatric hospital and moved closer so as he didn’t have to travel as far to reach it.

The Betwixt and Between Psychiatric Hospital was his final choice and he had immediately sent in his application to them. It had taken a few days for them to reply, but eventually they sent him a date for an interview and after a gruelling day of being subjected to far too much scrutiny they had taken him on.

He’d been extremely nervous on his first day and had wore his best clothes trying to look as smart as he could. He’d kissed the photo of his late grandmother which was on the shelf in his living room.

“Well todays the day! Wish me luck you old battle-axe!” he grinned and rushed to his car.

The building was very rustic and large. It was spread over three floors and looked more like a historic home – which he had later discovered it was. There was a long driveway which lead up to it and was surrounded by a vast grounds. He glanced nervously about as he drove closer to the gates at the end where it looked like there was a heavy amount of security guarding the place.

He came a stop at the gates and smiled at the guard as he wound the window down.

“Identification?” the man asked sternly without a smile.

He fumbled for a moment in his bag he had brought and handed over the I.D. he had been sent through the post. The man checked it over and scanned it on a hand held machine and much to Josh’s relief it beeped in confirmation.

“Proceed” the man simple said and opened the gates for him.

Josh gave him an uneasy smile and thanked him before proceeding.

When he managed to get inside it felt even worse. He went through a metal detector and was patted down and asked to empty his pockets while he was searched and scanned again.

“Don’t worry love. Everyone gets the same routine. You’re going to be dealing with some pretty fucked up people so we got to make sure your all good yeah?” the woman on the desk told him.

Josh frowned at the way she had spoken about the patients inside, but let it slide. He didn’t want to cause a scene on his first day after all.

“So who you here to see again?” she then asked while checking through his bag.

Josh blinked and then glanced down at the letter he had been sent with his new I.D. badge.

“Erm… Paul, Paul Higgins?” he said although it came out more of a question.

She gave him a wry smile and nodded, tapping away at her screen as she did and picking up the phone on the desk.

“Ah, so you’re going to be on ward 37… Oh the fun you’re going to have” she told him still grinning. “Oh. Paul, yeah I got a guy here for you… His name… Hey! What your name honey?” 

“J-josh, Josh Devine” he stutted and she nodded again to him and jerked her head towards the seats at the side of the room, indicating for him to go and sit down.

“His names Josh Devine… Yeah he just turned up. Apparently he’s a new starter, looks like he’s going to be working on your ward… Haha, yeah that’s what I told him, poor boy!”

Josh gave a grimace. What the hell was wrong with ward 37? He hoped he wasn’t walking into something he couldn’t handle…

He waited for around half an hour until someone finally came into reception from the double steel doors. He was a tall man and very well built, and Josh knew the moment that he saw the man he wasn’t someone that he wanted to mess with. He came barrelling in with a frown on his face scanning the room until his gaze landed on him and then made his way over.

“So you must be Josh Devine?” the man said surveying him in a way that made Josh feel like he was being cross examined.

“I, erm… Yeah” he stuttered holding out his hand.

“Good to know. The names Paul” he told him shaking his hand roughly with an iron tight grip.“Sorry to keep ya waiting. Louis’s been acting up all morning” Paul grumbled. “But I’ll show you round and introduce you to the cretins you’re gonna be working with. Believe me when I say you’ve got your work cut out for ya”

Josh gave him a wry smile and began to follow Paul back through the steel double doors. He was led down a bright corridor and into the lift at the end. Paul the pressed a button to the second floor. From there he was led down another series of corridors until they hit a door that was labelled 37. Paul held up his identification card and they were allowed excess. But Paul paused for moment, his hand holding the door ajar.

“I’m going to introduce you to the boys first. Niall, Harry, Louis, Liam and Zayn. They all have very different personalities and I need you to listen to all of warnings that come with them. Ward 37 is a little special shall we say, and the boys you’re going to meet are special cases. In other words they’re, shall we say, more permanent residents here” Paul explained glancing to the door every now and then.

Josh nodded in return and watched as Paul opened the door and led him through.

They walked into the room that looked like a large living room with sofa positioned in a loose square and a large table sat in the middle of them. It was spacious but Josh could tell there was a theme of white within the room.

Josh’s eyes then landed on a form in the corner. It was a boy from what he could tell. He was sat on the floor hunched over what looked to be a sketch pad. He had dark tanned skin and black hair that looked like it had been meticulously styled. He seemed very much engrossed in his work on the sketch pad and didn’t so much even look at them as they entered the room.

“That’s Zayn” Paul told him nodding to the boy. “He’s rather quiet. Doesn’t really say much and tends to keep him to himself, unless your Niall or Liam. He suffers with a nasty case of OCD with his appearance and will literally kick off if so much as a strand of his hair is out of place. Spends most of his time drawing though, we reckon it’s a type of coping mechanism. Poor kid also suffers badly with anorexia and bulimia, has been for years and he can’t seem to shake it, it’s the reason he’s been here for so long now. If you end up down in the food court with him, don’t worry too much he has a special councillor that will handle his meal and such to make sure he eats something. All you got to worry about is making sure he doesn’t go and throw it up afterwards. Also make sure to keep an eye on his wrists okay? He has a tendency to cut when he’s in a mood. He doesn’t do it often but you never know. Also make sure to keep him and Louis separate after meals. Louis’s a little bitch to him, which I’ll explain later”

Josh listens to the whole explanation and tries to take it in as best he can. So Zayn’s OCD with his appearance and suffers with Anorexia and Bulimia. He nods his way through the rest and keeps his eyes trained on Zayn. But Zayn still doesn’t so much as even looks at him, other than when Niall and Liam are mentioned, which shows he is actually listening to what’s being said.

Paul then begins to step towards the silent boy and Josh feels his heart hammer a little faster in his chest. He just hopes that Zayn takes to him well.

“Zayn” Paul calls as they go over.

Zayn glances up and then back down again not acknowledging their presence.

“Zayn this is Josh. He’s going to be working here from now on” Paul tells the boy.

Zayn simply nods and carry’s on drawing in his book and nods at the words.

“It’s nice to meet you Zayn” Josh says and try’s to give the boy a smile.

“Hm” Zayn grunts back.

Paul straightens up again and draws Josh away.

“Well then make sure you get yourself down to lunch today, otherwise I’ll be sending Preston up again” Paul tells Zayn sternly and the boy flinches slightly and continues drawing all the same.

Paul moves away and Josh follows him quickly. He may want to do this job but he’s still a little wary of the patients. He doesn’t know them well enough yet and wants to know more about first before being left alone with them.

“So what do you think so far?” Paul asks him as they move away and into the next section.

“He seems fairly quiet. But I’d rather not make any judgements just yet”

Paul barks out a laugh and clamps a hand on his shoulder.

“Good. I wouldn’t make any opinions on any of them until you’ve seen them at their worse”

Paul takes them into another corridor and moves to the second door down, he bangs on it once and shouts a warning that he’s coming in before clicking his pass to the scanner on the wall. It beeps once and he pushes the heavy door open to reveal a bright room inside. There’s still bars on the windows like on most of the windows, but the curtains aren’t closed and there’s bright light flooding in.

“This rooms for leaning enhancement” Paul says softly.

Josh looks up to see a boy looking at them with wide brown eyes and shaggy brown hair from behind a table. He looks no older than 20 and his eyes keep darting between Paul and Josh searching for answers.

“Morning Liam, how are things going?” Paul asks and nods to a man sitting across from Liam. “Morning Jon”

“Morning Paul” Jon says back smiling kindly. “Liam’s doing well. Just going through some reading exercises, right Liam?”

Liam nods and gives Josh a small smile of his own. He doesn’t seem as worried now, but he doesn’t say anything to Josh directly. Instead he goes back to scanning the book in front of him in silence.

“Sounds good, we’ll leave you to it then” and then they’re gone as Paul shuts the door. “So that’s Liam. He’s a good kid, but like Zayn he’s got this OCD with being clean. Doesn’t like dirt. Likes being clean, can’t stand even the slightest bit of grim. stems from being bullied according to his psychiatrist, believes if he’s clean then it will all go away. Got a bad case of depression too, I mean really severe too, he’s tried suicide a couple of times now. Have to check him every hour to make sure he’s not carrying anything harmful. Also, you might have already picked up on it, but he’s got dyslexia too. It’s not too severe but he’s not too great with his reading and it take him a while to write things out sometimes. He’s quite close with Zayn though, Niall too. They get on well just make sure to keep an eye on Louis again though, like I said he’s got a mean streak to him”

Again Josh can only nod and take down the main points.

So Liam’s got an OCD with being clean. He suffers with an extreme case of depression and self-harm; and has a slight case of dyslexia.

“You keeping up there?” Paul asks smirking down at him.

“Y-yeah course” Josh stutters and tries to keep up with Paul’s quick pace.

“Good, good. Got to make sure lad. It’s important you try and remember each individual case. But you’ll be shadowing me for a while, so I wouldn’t worry too much for now”

They head for another room where Paul has guessed the other boys might be. It’s apparently a chill out room for the boys and is where they go to just hang out but is available for only the Ward 37 boys. The inside is pretty well decorated and different from the normal bland painted walls. It’s bright and spacy, there’s even pictures on the walls and a large TV on the opposite side. Immediately his eyes find two boys sitting close together on the sofa facing the TV. They’re clearly in the middle of playing a game and are shouting and cheering. They just look like two perfectly normal teenaged boys…

“Niall! Harry!” Paul shouts to them and instantly the two boys go still and turn to him.

Josh watches in fascination as the curly haired boy catches his eyes and jumps in front of the blonde in an almost protective stance his arm outstretched to the side shielding him.

“Calm down Harry. This is Josh, he’s one of the new guys who’s going to helping out on the ward” Paul explains to them both.

Josh blinks when the blond – who he now knows is Niall – comes running out from behind Harry and bounds towards them. He flings his hand out to Josh and grins happily.

“Hi! My names Niall” he shouts and Josh is a little taken aback at the cheery enthusiasm that Niall displays. But none the less he takes Niall’s hand and gives it a slight shake as Niall laughs.

Harry comes over and scowls at Josh for a moment until Niall drops Josh’s hand, and he can’t help but feel like Harry is somewhat jealous from the deep scowl he’s currently on the receiving end of.

“This is Harry” Niall then says taking a hold of Harry’s arm and dragging him over to meet Josh.

Harry allows Niall to pull him about and does eventually outstretch his arm and clenches Josh’s hand into his with far more force than necessary.

When Josh pulls back his what feels like broken hand Harry gives him a smirk and takes a step back pulling Niall with him, and Niall follows like an obedient puppy back to the sofa. But Harry doesn’t take his eyes off Josh the entire time and he doesn’t look back the screen like Niall does. Instead he watches intently as Paul begins to explain the two boys like displays in a museum.

“So Harry and Niall, both attached at the hip. Where you find one you’re guaranteed to find the other, childhood friends since before they were even here. Niall’s got a heavy case of Dependent Personality Disorder towards Harry and won’t be separated from him for even a moment. The only time we force the issue is for his therapy sessions, in which case he may or may not co-operate. So I wouldn’t try and force the issue unless so want Harry acting up as well - which by the way is not a pretty sight. He’s also bipolar and the slightest thing can set him off. Goes from being sky high happy to wanting to end his life in 3 seconds flat. If you ever have this problem call for help immediately, don’t try and deal with it on your own, he’s a nasty little fucker once he starts lashing out. Also he’s another one you have to watch when it comes to self-harm okay. Just make sure he’s not around anything sharp. He won’t going looking for anything to harm himself with, but I guarantee if you leave anything that can do damage lying about he’ll use it. Ah, by the way his brother also comes every month too. Never, and I mean never make him late for it. He practically lives for those visits” Paul’s quick to reel the information off and Josh watches the two boys as he does.

Niall doesn’t look at all dangerous. He’s small and fits into Harry’s side perfectly due to his size. He grinning and laughing as his character on screen beats Harry’s. However from the look Harry briefly gives him it’s what Harry had been aiming for. Josh smiles slightly at the sight but glances away quickly when Harry’s sharp emerald eyes flick back to meet his gaze with a cold as steel look. Paul must sense it too as he glances at Harry briefly and gives him an unimpressed look and Harry looks away with a scowl which melts when Niall grins up at him.

“So Harry’s a little more complicated, as I know doubt bet you’ve worked out” Paul says softly catching Josh’s attention once more. “He’s got a heavy case of Separation Anxiety Disorder. Again doesn’t like being away from Niall and is highly protective of him. So I wouldn’t advise being overly friendly with Niall. He almost pushed Liam to his death last month in a jealous fit. He’s also a tad violent when he’s in a mood. It’s not too difficult to get him to calm down, but I’d advise you let either me or Preston handle him until you get used to him. He’s got a pretty nasty punch, and when he goes to hit you he aims to hurt. Oh and when he’s sleeping it’s best to leave him be. He suffers pretty badly with night terrors and I advise you don’t startle him. It’s best to leave it to Niall”

Josh nods and try’s to look as though he’s thoroughly understood what Paul’s just told him but it’s pretty hard when Harry’s glaring daggers at him from across the room.

“Harry knock it off please. Less of the attitude thank you" Paul calls over to him and Harry frowns and turns back around again to cuddle Niall into his side more.

“Eh, don’t worry too much about him, he doesn’t like new people very much. He’ll warm up to you once you’ve been around for a while trust me" Paul tells him as they walk back into the main corridor. “Oh and by the way, them two, they’re dating” Paul adds and smirks when Josh almost chokes on his own spit.

“W-what? Is that even allowed?” he asks staring wide eyes at Paul for a moment.

Paul smiles as he clicks his card against the next door.

“Well not normally. We tried to separate them once when they both came in together. But, well the results weren’t pretty and to be honest in the end we found they actually do each other a lot of good. Obviously we’re working on getting Niall to be more independent. But the last time we tried to separate them we almost lost Niall… So I guess you could said we got smart pretty quick and decided to just leave them be where that’s concerned”

Josh nods and realises that Paul may have a point on the issue. It doesn’t bother him, he’s just never heard of such a situation before happening before. He’s interested to know more about each of the boys so far and their individual histories of how they ended up here and what made each of them crack. He imagines that none of the stories are pretty, they never are. But he’s still fascinated all the same.

“Now I’m going to take you to what we call quarantine… It’s not exactly a nice place, and the boys end up here when they have what we call an ‘episode’. Louis’s currently in here from this morning, remember when I said he had been playing up?”

Josh nods and looks a little worried as they walk through another bout of security at yet another steel door. The corridor there now in is a brilliant wash of white and feels very cold. There’s a number of doors lined up on both sides and an intense amount of screaming and shouting can be heard as they walk down. The whole corridor is a constant hum of noise and its making his skin crawl.

“Oi! Preston! Which cell’s Louis in today?" Paul shouts and Josh makes out another large man who’s just walked out from a door at the end.

“21" Preston answers. "You’re in luck though seems he’s in a better mood now. He might be out later if he can behave" he grumbles.

Paul nods and turns back to Josh.

“Now I’m going to explain this before you meet him, because Louis is wickedly paranoid, if he even thinks for a moment you might be talking about him he goes into a furious rage. You have to understand Louis is least mentally stable, I’m not exaggerating when I say that this either. No one knows where his problems stem from, and at the moment we’ve only got a few guesses as to what made him end up this way. But that’s a story for another day I guess, like the others. Anyway, he’s extremely bipolar and is quick to anger. He’ll literally go for you and doesn’t give you much warning, and if he feels at all threatened believe me when I say he will kill you if given the chance. There was an incident when he was still at school where he did stab one if his classmates so I’d take every threat he makes seriously. He’s also a sadist and loves noting more than making people miserable. For the time being we’re keeping him well away from Harry. Recently we had a nasty incident with the two of them where Harry almost strangled Louis because of something Louis said to Niall. Ever since they’ve both been holding nasty grudges. Also watch him with Liam, like I said Liam’s sensitive, but if pushed too far he does snap and will use that muscle of his to cause damage. Louis’s a damn cheeky bastard too and sometimes it’s best to ignore him when it’s clear he’s trying to wind you up. The worst thing you can do is to fight back, just play along where you can and he’ll get bored and stop eventually" Paul finishes by pulling open the door where Louis is said to be, and Josh finds himself taking a breath before he enters.

The room reminds him of where a prisoner might be held. It’s small and very cramped with a simple bed in the room and another room where he’s guessing is a toilet and sink. There’s a boy on the bed lying down facing the wall away from them. He’s fairly small, maybe a bit taller than Niall, but he doesn’t look like he could do much damage. But Josh knows appearances can be very deceiving and isn’t about to offer Louis any chances to murder him.

“Louis" Paul calls stepping into the room and locking the door behind him.

Louis rolls over and Josh is met with a cheeky smirk from the boy once he catches sight of him. His eyes sparkle with mischief as he studies Josh from the bed, and Josh can’t help but feel nervous. But then Louis looks away and back to Paul.

“Paaaaaaauuuullll!" He whines in a sing-song way and sits up.

“Preston tells me you might be out this afternoon. Says you’ve been unusually good" Paul tells him looking suspicious.

“Yeah well Preston always thinks the worst of me Paul. He’s a wanker I’m telling you" Louis says flicking away imaginary dust from the bed sheets before looking up in interest. “Paaauulll, who’s this? Is he new meat?” Louis asks eyes sparkling as he moves off the bed.

“Stay where you are Tomlinson” Paul tells him firmly and puts up a hand in warning.

Louis pouts and flops back on the bed again with a huff staring at the ceiling.

“Tosser” he mutters under his breath but they both still hear him anyway and Paul doesn’t look impressed.

“This is Josh. He’s going to be working on the ward from now on”

Louis suddenly stiffens and slowly turns back to look at them. But he’s different this time. His eyes are wide and scarily trained on him. His lips then slowly curl into a crazed smile.

“…Josh?” he asks in a slow quiet tone that doesn’t seem quite human.

Paul watches him closely. The sudden change in character doesn’t seem right to Josh and he takes a slow step back as the boy pulls himself up into a sitting position. He lolls his head to the left and then to the right still grinning manically.

“…I knew a Josh once… He was an asshole; and so he had to… Go…” he then begins giggling, and it’s scary, very scary.

“Louis, remember why you’re in here. If you step out of line again you’re going to be in here longer” Paul reminds him slowly as though talking to a child.

There’s silence for a moment and it drags through the room. Josh finds himself holding his breath waiting for Louis to respond in some way. Something’s not right. The switch between moods has happened far too quickly…

The next moment out of nowhere Louis launches himself up screaming in an animalistic way and dives at Josh without warning. He’s lashing out, his hands are at Josh’s face, digging his fingers into flesh hard enough to tear through. The action catches Josh completely off guard and he yells out cussing as they both go tumbling over. Paul is there in an instant, arms wrapped around Louis’s waist, his head against Paul’s chest to stop him from head-butting him.

“Louis! Stop it” he shouts and then lifts his head to the door to see Preston come running in pining Louis down.

Preston reaches to his pocket and pulls out a device and begins speaking hurriedly into it. Josh doesn’t catch anything that’s being said he’s far too focused on the boy trying to maim him to even care what’s being said.

“I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill you!” he roars as his hands are pinned behind his back by Paul and Preston takes his legs. They lift him off Josh and place him stomach down on the floor.

“I’m gonna kill him. Let me go you fuckers! Let go! He’s going to die. He has to die!” Louis keeps screaming and Josh can only stand there in horror and watch as four other people come rushing in.

It’s like something from a movie as everything seems to slow down and Josh is truly paralyzed as the one of the newcomers takes out a needle from a large box and fills it with clear liquid carefully.

Louis’s still screaming and his voice is going horse from all the yelling he’s doing, and Josh is sure he’s going to have left bruises on someone from all the thrashing he’s doing. But then the shot is administered into his arm and slowly – ever so agonisingly slowly – he begins to slow and loose the fight. But now he’s crying, sobbing as he realises what’s happened.

“You fuckers… You fuckers… Why?”

He just falls limp, and it’s horrible, because even though he was just trying to annihilate him moments before the scene he’s just witnessed makes him feel almost guilty for the struggling that he’s just gone through.

The screams stay with him well into the night…


	2. Abnormal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. This one nearly killed me with feels... You'll see why.

**Abnormal: Deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable.**

Josh doesn’t sleep that night when he returns home.

The screams from the day before had kept him up through the night and had made any attempt to sleep pointless. The images of the boy thrashing on the floor wouldn’t leave him. The sounds, oh God the sounds, they had roared around his head and sent cold shivers and trembles through his body. He could only think of long blinding white corridors, cold steel doors and the smell of hospitals. It was well after three in the morning before he managed to fall asleep.

Paul greeted him once more in the reception since he wasn’t allowed to be alone just yet. Paul thought it much better for him to shadow him for at least two months before he be left alone to deal with the boys. Needless to say that Josh had no problems with this arrangement.

He’s led into ward 37 once more and to his utter surprise Louis is sat on the sofa in the main lounge, with Preston on the other jotting down notes onto alas of paper. As soon as Louis spots them however he jumps up and moves away further into the ward, with Preston following him.

Josh blinks for a moment, eyes following the boy until he disappears behind a door.

“Looks like I scared him off" Josh says attempting to smile.

“Yeah we had a chat this morning. He got let out early this morning. But we’re still keeping a close eye on him" Paul tells him before making a gesture for him to sit down. "So I’ve got more of a plan set out today for you. The work you’re going to be doing is mainly to keep an eye on the lot of them, of course while you’re doing this I need you to be taking mental notes on them. Try and get a feel for the way they act, what they do and their day to day routine. I also want to you to come with me when i go with the, for their therapy sessions. Each of them have a sessions throughout the day they have to attend and they each last an hour, but I’ll let you know what times as we go. You good with this so far?”

Josh nods quickly, and Paul smiles.

“Right then, best go and find the hellions”

It doesn’t take long to track them down. Surprisingly Liam, Zayn, Niall and Harry have all congregated in the Den area. Zayn and Liam are sharing one sofa, but are both sat at opposite ends of the sofa. The two are both holding game controllers in their hands and are apparently going head to head on some sort of racing game. Harry and Niall have meanwhile made some sort of pillow fort in the corner of the room and Niall is sat giggling with his back pressed to Harry’s chest watching the TV screen. Harry looks fairly pleased too as he rests his chin atop of Niall’s head, his arms firmly secured around the blonde boys waist. It’s a cute scene really the four of them in the same room together.

But Josh’s eyes have landed on two other people in the room sitting across from Zayn and Liam. He’s never met them before and Paul hasn’t mentioned anyone else, but they’ve both got ID badges hanging around their necks and so Josh can only guess that they must work there too. They seem friendly enough and both give him a little wave when he steps in the room.

“Ah yeah. This is Dan and Sandy. They work on the ward too. Dan, Sandy, this is Josh. He started yesterday and is going to helping out here from now on”

“Nice to meet you mate" Dan calls to him and Sandy gives him a small smile of his own.

“So how have they been?" Paul asks the two.

“Alright. Niall and Harry are attached at the hip as usual. Zayn had a little slip this morning and we had to a talk didn’t we Zayn" Dan says glancing at the tan boy who nods and doesn’t take his eyes from the screen. "But we’re all good now. Liam’s fine as far as know and hasn’t told me any different. Oh yeah, his mums called over at the main desk. Wasn’t sure whether you remembered or not" he finishes.

“Ah I better give her a ring then" Paul the turns to Josh. "You be alright here for a bit while I make a call?”

“Yeah sure”

So after Paul leaves Josh sits down next to Dan and Sandy and watches as Zayn and Liam continue battle each other in silence.

-X-

Harry’s not sure what to think of Josh. When Dan and Sandy both came to work in the hospital it had been the very much the same and Harry hadn’t know what to think of them either. Plus Josh annoys him… He was far to over friendly with Niall when they met, and that automatically puts him on Harry’s hit list – just below Louis, who is currently at the top and has been there since last month.

Harry honestly doesn’t understand why they keep letting him out of quarantine just to put him back in. He doesn’t know why they don’t just keep him in there, after all he’s going to end up going back in there at some point anyway. It’s nothing personal really, he just doesn’t really like Louis most of the time. He can handle him in small doses, he can, honestly. But when he starts being loud and screaming his lungs out, Harry just has an incredible urge to punch him square in the face – and has done a number of times. Usually this just ends up with him having to go into quarantine as well for being violent. But he had to do it, because Niall doesn’t like loud noises and hasn’t since he was a child due to events in the past. So Harry has to shut Louis up otherwise Niall gets scared and Harry won’t stand for that. Plus Louis’s a twat sometimes anyway. Like yesterday morning when he had a fit in the food court because Zayn wasn’t eating again.

Now Harry doesn’t understand Zayn’s problems, he doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean Harry sticks his nose in and makes Zayn’s life any harder because of it. In fact Harry leaves it well alone, and by extension so does Niall. But Louis, for whatever reason, had decided it would be a good idea to poke fun at Zayn for it. Needless to say it hadn’t gone down well and Liam had tried to stand up for Zayn; because they’re sort of friends and that’s what sort of friends do Harry guesses. But Louis hadn’t found this appropriate and had attempted to stab Liam in the face with one of the plastic forks they were supplied. Long story short Preston had dived at Louis and pulled him away kicking and screaming, and that had been the last they had seen of him until the early hours of the morning.

So yeah Harry doesn’t like Louis too much. He’s far too loud and bossy and bratty and in your face.

Liam’s okay he guesses. He’s nowhere near as annoying as Louis. Most of time he’s pretty reserved. But he’ll talk to Niall when Niall goes over – after checking to make sure Harry isn’t glaring holes through his head. Most of the time when Harry comes back into the ward he’ll find Niall sat with Liam in the den reading together or drawing with Zayn. He tries not to get jealous because deep down he knows that Niall has to cling to someone, and when he isn’t here Liam is apparently the best substitute he can find.

He personally thinks Liam’s a bit slow really. Now he knows Liam can’t help it though, Paul had told him a while back that Liam has dyslexia and isn’t as quick when it comes to reading and writing. Harry doesn’t really get it if he’s honest. He’s always been smart when it comes to that stuff, he just doesn’t apply himself apparently – not that he gives a damn. He and Liam seem to have a mutual understand though. They don’t get in each other’s way and they both like Niall so there’s no issues really. Harry knows not to push Liam as well. He’s seen the state that Louis was in last time he pushed Liam and doesn’t fancy his chances if he’s honest. Liam’s got a lot more muscle on him then Harry does. But if Liam says a cross word to Niall then he’ll be more than happy to test the theory about brain over brawn.

Zayn… Zayn’s another odd one – although he guesses they must all be to be here. He’s a cool guy really and Harry’s had a few short conversations with him. He likes Zayn more over Liam but a hell of a lot less than Niall. Zayn likes art and Harry likes to admire art. So the two go hand in hand and one time Zayn had drawn Niall so harry had threatened Zayn a great deal until the boy had handed the picture over without a word. Now Harry thinks about it Zayn hadn’t looked too bothered about the threats… That annoys Harry slightly…

Niall also likes Zayn – although Niall likes everyone when he’s with Harry and doesn’t feel insignificant. Still sometimes Harry will sit with Zayn while Niall goes off to see his psychiatrist and the tan boy doesn’t tell him to go away or move himself, so Harry’s always guessed its okay.

But he prefers Niall. Niall who’s all smiles and sunshine and hugs and kisses and bright colours. He makes Harry happy and has done since they were younger.

Sometimes Harry has to take a step back and wonder why they’re even in this place. He can remember his old home well. He has an older sister who had loved him very much and Harry loves her. He’d proved it many time by fighting for her and his mother. So he often wonders why he was sent here with Niall. He doesn’t see them now. But he guesses that’s okay. He’d rather them not have to see him in such a place and supposes that as long as he has Niall then everything will work out for the best. He knows that they’re never getting out of here now, but he doesn’t tell Niall that because he knows it would break Niall’s heart.

Niall talks a lot. He talks about life after they get out of here. He says that they’ll get a nice house back in Ireland – because Harry would really like to see where Niall had grown up and used to live. He talks about how they’ll have a dog or a cat, seeing as Harry likes cats, to keep them company – although he hasn’t actually settled on a name yet and keeps bouncing between Darcy and Focus. Harry still doesn’t know why he wants to call their imaginary pet Focus. He says they’ll be happy and that’s why Niall’s currently going along with all this treatment. It’s the reason he goes to his therapy sessions alone. It’s the reason he hasn’t given up yet and Harry just can’t – he really can’t – tell Niall the truth and be the reason he gives up again. Harry can’t and will not go back to the days where all Niall could think about was ending everything.

He subconsciously tightens his grip around the teen in his arms and Niall glances up to smile at him. Harry smiles back and presses his lips to Niall heads which draws a giggle from the blonde and he goes back to watching Zayn and Liam battle in silence.

In the end Harry knows he’s quite content to stay here. Even though he knows one of these rooms will be the last thing he sees. Even though he knows he’s going to die here. He’ll still stay here as long as Niall is here, so long as he gets to wake up to Niall smiling at him and talking about a future they’re never going to live.

-X-

“So you’re in room 23 right?” Josh asks while looking down at a sheet of paper Paul had given him when they have left the ward earlier.

Liam looked up meekly at him and nods slightly before glancing back down.

Josh had been asked by Paul to take Liam down to see his therapist that morning; of course he’d been more than happy to make himself useful. It also meant he’d be able to get a better insight into Liam’s life here. So far he’d found that Liam didn’t like to talk too much and was a little shy with new people.

“Yeah…” Liam said softly glancing up at him before averting his gaze back down to the floor again quickly.

Josh gave him a tight smile. It looked like it was going to be harder than he had first thought getting Liam to open up.

“So erm what do you do in these meetings” he asked with another smile.

“We usually just work on feelings and stuff” Liam murmured back shoving his hands into his pockets scuffing his feet against the floor.

“Right…” Josh says letting his eyes roll.

It turns out that Liam was spot on and when they get there there’s a pretty blonde haired lady waiting for them. She’s dressed to impress in a black pencil skirt and white blouse, perfectly manicured nails and flawless make-up. Josh wonders if she was really a therapist and not a model. She had two chairs in front of her; the comfy types with black padding, and a set of papers on her desk with Liam’s name in block capitals.

“Good morning Liam” She says brightly showing off a perfect set of brilliant white teeth before glancing to him. “Oh you must be Josh. Paul told me to expect company. Are you the new addition to the team?” She asks signalling him to pull up a seat.

“Ah, yeah that’s me” he answered taking a seat next to Liam and trying to make himself comfortable.

“Pleasure to me you. My names Lou Teasdale, I deal with all of the boys in Ward 37” she told him and tossed him a quick smile before she turned her attention back to Liam.

“So Liam, how have things been? Have you been trying to stick to what we agreed?”

Liam shuffled slightly under her gaze and glanced towards the floor.

“I, uh, yeah… Sort of” he told her wringing his hands together. “Can I, urm, use your sink a minuet?”

Lou pursed her lips together as she studied Liam.

“In a second honey. What do you mean you ‘sort of’ stuck to what we agreed?”

Liam sighed and dropped his hands down.

“I tried. I tried really hard, honest Lou, I did. I managed it for five whole hours, didn’t wash them once. But then Louis said I should be careful because there’s all sort of bugs and germs… I just couldn’t do it. I’m such a failure I can’t do any-”

“Stop!” Lou interrupts the boy with a hand up and serious frown on her face.

It’s then Josh realises that Liam has tears swimming in his eyes and looks so hurt about whatever it is he hasn’t managed to do.

“What did we say about downing yourself?” Lou asks gently.

Liam sighed briefly looking up at her.

“That I mustn’t do it. One bad thought leads to another bad thought”

“Exactly! It doesn’t matter if you couldn’t do it, what matters is that you tried your best and gave it your all. Baby steps Liam, baby steps. This isn’t something that’s going to change overnight. It’s something you’ve been suffering with for years. So don’t you dare put yourself down sweetie. We’ll keep trying, there’s no pressure okay? Now come on where’s that smile I always look forward to seeing?”

Josh smiles himself. Lou has such a kind and patience aura. She seems to know exactly what to say too; although he doesn’t doubt that comes from years of studying Liam’s thought process.

Liam does however does managed a small weak smile, but it’s a smile none the less and Lou takes it. She then turns back to her desk again picking up Liam’s folder and browsing through the contents.

“What about your moods? Jon mentioned that the other day hadn’t been so good”

Liam shuffled in his seat slightly and dropped his gaze.

“It just came out of nowhere" he whispered softly. "I just, I don’t understand where it comes from sometimes. I just feel like all of this is for nothing. Then I start to think about what they said and everything comes rushing back…”

Liam grips his hair harshly, fisting his hand up as he folds over.

“Oh Liam…" Loud coos softly pulling him back up to look at her. "You can’t help that. The best thing to do is to keep busy. Jon told me your writing skills have come on tremendously lately. How are you finding it?" She asks giving me an encouraging smile.

Liam only shrugs in response and drops his eyes once more keeping them averted from Lou’s open smile.

“Still don’t feel any further ahead. All of the others are miles in front. Even Louis - and he’s always in quarantine”

Josh can almost taste the disappointment in Liam’s tone. The boys expression has been blank since he came into the session; and he’s visible uncomfortable.

Lou only offers a sympathetic smile and pulls out a sheet from his folder.

“Now come on Liam, you’ve progressed up three levels this year - and that’s due to your own hard work. It’s something you should certainly be proud of, I know I am”

Liam just shrugs again and looks away towards the door. It’s clear he doesn’t want to discuss it anymore.

“How about you fill in the session form and we work on the goals we set last time" she offers him.

Liam takes the offer and reaches for the sheet before moving over to the table on the other side of the room to fill it out.

Lou watches him go with soft eyes and then turns to Josh.

“So how long have you been here then? I haven’t had a chance to come and introduced myself”

“Ah, I’ve been here about two weeks now" Josh tells her with a smile of his own.

“Oh" she sounds shocked. "Have you gotten used to them yet? The Ward 37 boys can be a bit of a handful at times, but once you get used to them they’re not all bad”

“Yeah I’m getting there. Paul wants me to focus on getting to know them, so I’m on therapy duty. It’s my first time coming down to this area. I’ve got to bring Zayn down tomorrow so I’ll probably see you again”

“Yes I can remember the first time I met each of them… Poor boys, none of them come from good places. Well apart from Liam I suppose. I’m guessing Paul’s made you aware of each of their conditions?”

“Yeah, he didn’t go into backgrounds much, but from what I’ve briefly been able to read none of them are pretty" Josh tells her with a meek look.

“You’ve got that right" she agrees and then looks back sadly at Liam. "Liam has such a caring family. Honestly you couldn’t wish for a more supportive family. His mum was distraught when he was sent here. They visit as much as they can, but between work and other responsibilities they can’t make it often" She explains.

“What went wrong then? I mean I assume most of the problems are triggered by something" Josh says looking sceptical. If Liam had had such a good home life then what had triggered off his depression and extreme suicidal behaviour?

“Liam suffered extensive bulling at school” Lou tells him softly looking over at Liam to make sure he isn’t listening, which it seems he isn’t. “It got the point where he was being psychically attacked. Naturally he took it all to heart. But he had one good friend called Andy who used to somewhat protect him. But sadly he died in an unfortunate accident and well; Liam wasn’t the same after that. The bullying got worse and he felt he had no one to turn to. He ended up trying to take his life. That was when his parents intervened and he ended up here in our care”

Josh sits in shock for a moment. Liam had felt that alone that he had tried to take his own life. He can’t even imagine it. Feeling like you had nowhere else to turn and that only way out was to leave; permanently. He takes a look at Liam, and really looks. There are obviously more conditions now, things he’s picked up along the way – like the need to feel clean at all times – but essentially he wonders if Liam truly does feel any different from being here. Has it really solved anything apart from ensuring that he has someone to watch over him 24/7 to guarantee that he can’t commit suicide?

Liam breaks his thoughts as he wonders back over to Lou passing her back the sheet and going through anything he didn’t understand. Once that’s done Lou double checks Liam’s medication through with him and they’re then free to go.

In the end Josh wonders whether there really is any point in all this. After all hadn’t Paul said that the boys would be here permanently anyway?

-X-

Liam can remember his life from before very well, too well some might say. But how can he forget the hateful words that people had said to him? When he thinks about it – really thinks about it – it becomes all too apparent that what they had said to him was in fact true.

His family had been wonderful, amazing, and so, so caring; his mum, dad, Ruth and Nicola. He couldn’t have asked for better, purer, cleaner people.

He had for the most part had a happy childhood. He got along well with his two older sisters and there weren’t all the many scuffles between them. His loved both of his parents and they hadn’t clashed at all. His first school had been fine. He had known everyone there and they had known him. There wasn’t a moment when he had ever felt alone, people had been friendly and approachable. Andy – his best friend – was always with him and they sat together in nearly every lesson laughing and joking.

But then secondary school happened and he had been taken away from everything he had known from before. Suddenly life wasn’t so good anymore. His parents had decided to send him to the same school that both of his sisters had gone to; because they had never had any problems there and so they had assumed the same for their only son. It was a convenient place to send him to as it was only a half an hours walk away.

Only it wasn’t such a great place.

It hadn’t been just the people from Liam’s first school who had attended. There were children from all over the place who were enrolled. In fact Liam hadn’t known anyone in any of his classes. To make matters worse Andy wasn’t anywhere to be seen and Liam knew he hadn’t been placed in any of his lessons when the end of the week rolled round and he had yet to spot him.

He hadn’t been able to understand why he had been excluded from the rest of the groups. He hadn’t been able to make any friends and people seemed to purposely avoid him because of it. He was known as the ‘loner’ and no one wanted to make an effort to befriend him. He dreaded his lessons now and hated when the teacher made them group up. His only solace was when breaks rolled round and he could meet up with Andy. Andy would back him up and somewhat shield him from the people who poked fun at him. He wouldn’t stand for it. Andy was a pretty tall guy and well-built compared to Liam. He could easily intimidate people, but didn’t do it often, he wasn’t the type to.

But when a group of lads who shared a number of classes with Liam had started to frequently pick on him in the halls Andy got mean. He ended up quitting the football team because of them. Andy hadn’t wanted to be associated with assholes as he had put it.

So he tried signing up for the choir in the hopes of befriending others with the same music tastes as him. Sadly this only fuelled his tormentors. They called him gay, a fag, and a pussy. They would send him harsh messages on Facebook and shove into him in the corridors on purpose. They defaced his locker and would empty his bag out in the hallway while everyone was walking to and from classes.

He was soon finding his only escape was in the comfort of his home.

He couldn’t tell his mum and dad, he didn’t want them to worry. Besides it was only verbal bulling. He could handle that surely?

However that all changed when he was in his third year.

He and Andy had decided to go camping for the winter holidays. He had been keen to try hiking and so Andy had suggested they go camping at the same time. So they’d gone high up into the mountains and found a decent spot near a vast lake and set up camp. Andy had been before and Liam had soon found himself following along with whatever Andy was doing.

Everything had been going fine, they’d roasted marshmallows for a laugh and attempted to scare each other stupid with ghost stories. Liam had even sworn he’d seen a shooting star and had instantly wished that his life would change - for the better.

The next morning they’d been shocked to find that the world outside had been painted white and the lake they had set up besides was now covered in a sheet of ice. It had been bitterly cold and plumes of white steam had swirled into the frosty air whenever he breathed.

Perfect weather for skating Andy had said. He’d then proceeded to move out onto the ice covering the surface of the lake, sliding one foot in front of the other slowly. Liam had stared in horror at him and quickly scrambled over to grab him and pull him back with a shout of protest. Andy had only laughed and shrugged him off telling him not be silly. He’d apparently done it before and calmly told him not to worry and then gone on to coax him into following him onto the frozen surface.

Naturally he’d said no to start with; there was no way he wanted any part of that madness. But Andy had a way of making him do things he wouldn’t normally want to do, and it wasn’t long before he was taking tentative steps onto the slippery surface spreading his arms out to balance himself against gravity. When he was sure he was steady and not about to go plunging through the surface he let his arms drop and smiled stupidly at his best friend who was already grinning wide eyed at him.

“Told you” he’d said shoving him in the arm. “I’ve done this before the ice is pretty thick. We’re fine. Stop worrying”

Of course Andy was never wrong; except from then.

They’d been on the ice for around ten minutes dancing across the surface and trying to dodge each other as they flew past. It was all harmless fun. But then Liam had heard a sound behind him that he could only describe as a sharp crack. He turned slowly dread pooling in his stomach, and to his horror watched as a crack began eating into the ice heading towards him. He moved quickly sliding his trainers against the ice and rushing towards the bank.

“Andy!” he cried over his shoulder watching as his friend looked up from where he’d been spinning in circles. “Move! The ice is cracking!”

Andy glanced over to where the crack was still forming and instantly began moving following him off.

It was the move that cost him his life.

He followed Liam’s exact path where the ice was already weak. Three steps later and he went plunging through the now broken slabs of ice and straight into the freezing cold tundra of icy water beneath.

“Andy!!” Liam found himself shrieking as he watched in slow motion of Andy dropped down.

He pushed himself up off the ground where he’d fallen when his feet had met the ground again. He had no idea what to do. If he went back onto the ice where Andy had been there was a chance he’d go through as well. But he couldn’t just stay where he was; Andy could have passed out from shock.

Making a quick decision he made his way around the lake to where the ice wasn’t as broken up and took a few hurried steps back onto the glossy surface trying to spread his weight evenly as to not weaken the ground underfoot. He managed to make it close to the edge where Andy had gone through leaning over to try and find him.

He watched in horror as Andy broke back through the water coughing and spluttering up water from his lungs.

“Andy! Take my hand!” he cried down to him leaning as far over as he dared.

The ice all around Andy had broken up and would be impossible to climb onto. Liam knew he was now going to be the only way to get him out, but he was going to have to work fast.

Andy glanced over to him and reached as far as he could teeth chattering in his jaw and skin so, so pale. But he couldn’t reach and Liam knew he couldn’t risk leaning over any further, it wouldn’t do them any good for him to end up in the water too.

“I-I can’t r-reach you Liam” Andy told him shuddering even more.

“You’ve got to Andy! Move closer to me!” Liam begged stretching his hand as far as he could to him.

Andy tried. Liam knew he had. He waded through the water to him and Liam’s gloved hand curled around his bringing him to him and pulling as hard as he could. He managed to grab both of his arms and pull him up onto the ice and drag him from the water. He then placed a hand on his lower back and pulled Andy’s arm around his shoulders and began to move the both of the off the ice. He had literally had to pull Andy all the way back to the tent.

He was breathing way to deep and coughing up water still. Liam was scared witless. He’d never been in this situation before. He had no idea what to do besides the obvious, which was to get him warm again.

He dragged him in the tent and placed him down on his sleeping bag.

“Shit, shit, shit. Andy I got to take your clothes off. I’ve got to; I’ve got to get you warm. Shit, Andy no, don’t go to sleep okay? You got to stay awake alright?” he tells him hurriedly grabbing franticly at his best friends soaked overalls and desperately trying to pull them off. But Andy’s drifting again closing and re-opening his eyes slowly. He’s not even really looking at him, just staring into the air like he’s not even really there.

His skins so cold and the bloods drained from his face. He’d pretty sure he’s gone into shock and that scared him even more. Cold Shock Response can kill you within fifteen minutes right?

In a moment of panic he quits trying to get his clothes off and scrambles to grab his phone. Andy’s phone is likely to be waterlogged by now and he doesn’t think the chances of it working are high. He begins punching in 999 without much thought and feels like he’s about to start having a panic attack of his own. A voice sounds at the other end asking him what his emergency is and Liam feels like he really doesn’t have time to explain right now, because shit Andy’s eyes have closed again and he doesn’t look like he’s breathing.

“Please! Please send someone quickly! He’s not breathing! Andy! Andy, wake up don’t go to sleep. Andy!” he’s starting to get hysterical watching in what can only have been pure fear as Andy doesn’t respond.

“Hello? I need you to calm down for me okay? Can you tell me your name and what’s happening?” a lady says on the other end of the phone as Liam shakes Andy’s shoulder anxiously.

“L-liam, I’m Liam. I-I, my friend, we were on the ice and… Oh God please, please, just send someone quick! He’s not, he’s not breathing!! Shit! Shit!! What do I do?! Please, tell me what I need to do!”

“What exactly happened on the ice Liam?” she asks, and Liam can’t think. He’s gone back to the original idea and has started trying to strip him down again yanking over blankets and clothes to warm Andy up.

He begins to tear up making his vision blurry. Why is this happening? This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why had everything gone wrong? Why did these horrible things always happen to him?

It’s then he see it as he’s easing off Andy’s top; a red monster spreading across the fabric of Andy’s t-shirt. He reals back as though someone’s slapped him and almost drops his phone in the process. Andy’s bleeding, and badly. The bloods running down his fingers where he’d grazed over it trying to tug the top up. He can only stare at his hand in horror and morbid fascination. It’s like he can’t even process what it is, not properly anyway. Because fuck when had this happened?

“He’s bleeding” he breaths. “Oh God. No, please no”

“Liam, Liam honey? I need you to tell me where you are okay?”

“I, we… In the mountains, God, I don’t even know”

The flood gates open and he sobs, because Andy’s not, he’s not breathing and he never learnt CPR; and this is all his fault. Andy’s blood is literally on his hands.

“Andy please! Wake up! Please!! Andy!!”

But he doesn’t wake up. He doesn’t wake up when he screams and cries. He doesn’t wake up when he tries to throw blankets and pillows on him to warm him up. He doesn’t wake when the paramedics finally arrive. He doesn’t wake when they get him to a hospital and pronounce him dead. He doesn’t wake when his parents arrive in a mess of tears and demands. He doesn’t even wake when they place him in the ground and cover him in soil and rock.

Cold Shock Response had killed him. The shock of going through the ice and straight into the water beneath had caused trauma to his body and it was suspected he had later had a heart attack. The blood Liam had later found had been from a puncture in his stomach which had been from where the ice had stabbed him when he had gone through.

It’s just not fair. Andy had had so much to live for and it should have been him in the ground right now and not Andy. Andy was so good at sports and he could have made friends with anyone and everyone and Andy had a girlfriend and a lovely family. Liam just doesn’t feel like it’s right, because he’s just, well Liam.

But he’s been left standing there breathing, with Andy’s blood still on his hands. He doesn’t understand why it won’t wash off, and no one seems to believe him when he tells them that he can’t remove it. His mother only looks at him with wide worried eyes after the funeral when he tells her. She tells him there’s nothing there and hugs him for what feels like the hundredth time; tells him to get some rest. But he can’t, every time he closes his eyes he can only see Andy’s blank lifeless eyes staring back at him and the blood pooling in his hands.

He thinks he’s going crazy because no matter how much he tries to wash it away it never goes. It stays there’s stained onto his hands. He doesn’t understand and so he becomes obsessed with trying to wash it away, even going as far as scrubbing his hands in bleach. It doesn’t help though. It only makes his hands become dry, sore and turns them an ugly shade of red. His mother gets scared for him and takes him to see a doctor, who in turn sends him to see a local psychiatrist.

The lady he ends up seeing is called Rachel, and he doesn’t like her very much, especially when she tries to pry. She always asks him the same questions: “How are coping?” or “how did that make you feel?” it’s always the same; like a sad routine. He tries to not say much. Keep it to himself as best he can, he can deal with this.

They diagnose him as depressed. It’s nice to have a label in way. He knows what’s wrong now and it has a name. He depressed and that’s that. He has something to blame all of these horrible emotions on. It’s just his depression acting up again.

But then he has to go to school. Everyone watches him and whispers even more behind his back. They say it’s his fault, and maybe it is, maybe they’re right. They call him a murderer, and maybe he is. Andy’s dead because of him; because he couldn’t save him.

The group of boys who had always bullied him follow him around more. They start to trail him home one night, not really doing anything, just walking behind him. It freaks him out all the same, because they’ve never followed him home before. Andy was always there before and Liam reckons that’s why they never did. But now Andy’s not here to look after him and it scares him all the more.

The next night however they collar him behind the school and pin him to the brick wall.

“Where’s Andy Liam?” they taunt him. “Who’s going to protect you?”

“Why don’t you call for him?”

Stop.

“Oh that’s right. You can’t. He’s dead. You killed him Liam”

Stop it.

“Hey why’d you let him die?”

Please don’t.

“Why didn’t you save him?”

Why are you doing this?

“You killed him Liam. It’s all you fault. He’d dead because of you…”

He lets out a sob as they throw the first punch and it hits him on his left cheek. The blows come quick and they don’t stop until he’s lying curled up on the floor bleeding onto the concrete sobbing. They laugh and spit on him leaving him there as the darkness creeps up on him.

He doesn’t know how he makes it home that night. But it’s certainly later than normal. His parents and sisters have been waiting for him with his tea on the table. But he goes straight upstairs wordlessly and into the bathroom. He cleans himself down scrubbing at his skin desperate to wash away the blood. But it doesn’t and his hands are still slick with red liquid. He sinks down into the tub and draws his knees to his chest and sobs until he’s heaving.

Why is this happening? Why? Why? Why?

The answer doesn’t come. But the razor does.

He doesn’t think about really the first time as he’s sitting in the tub eyes gazing unfocused at his father’s razor sitting innocently on the edge. He’s heard about people who cut themselves to feel something. To let out all the pain they’re feeling. He’s only going to do it once, he tells himself, just this once, because he honestly doesn’t know what else to do right now. He probably won’t like it anyway he thinks.

It hurts. But it’s a different kind of pain somehow. It stings as the blade comes across his skin leaving a trail of red in its wake. He jerks the blade away from himself and stares in fascination as the red lines pools from his skin and trickled down his arm. It’s beautiful he can only think as he makes another line next to the first and watches the process again.

“Liam? Liam honey what’s wrong? Why are you so late home?” his mother’s voice sends him reeling back into the present and he blinks in shock as he realises what he’s done.

In a panic he quickly cleans off the razor and shoves it back where it belongs again and scrambles to clean himself up.

“It’s nothing I was just late because of choir practice is all” he tells her keeping his arm under the facet of the shower trying to stop the blood flowing.

“But Liam we tried calling you and you didn’t answer your phone”

Liam’s huffs wishing his mother for once wasn’t so caring.

“I know I’m sorry. My phone was on silent” he calls back. “I’ll be down in a minuet okay?”

He hears her sigh from behind the door and move away.

He’s later thankful that his parents keep the medical supplies in the bathroom along with his mother’s makeup which he applies to the bruises on his face to hide them when he goes down for tea.

It becomes a routine when he’s had a beating at school. He staggers home and showers and cuts and cleans them up.

Wash, rinse and repeat.

He doesn’t even realise that he’s not even living anymore. Just going through the motions of his day to day life like he’s on auto pilot…

Of course the dream ends. He’s forces to wake up a year later when his mother breaks down one evening in tears and demands to know what’s happened to him. She asks why he no longer talks to her. Why he no longer smiles.

He doesn’t answer, just holds her as she cries and makes empty promises that he’ll try harder and he’ll smile more.

In that moment he makes his mind up that he’d be better off not here. If he’s causing this much worry for people; if he’s this much of a bother; then perhaps it would be better if he wasn’t here at all.

He waits until its dark, when all his family have gone to bed and the lights are all off and creeps downstairs. He takes the box where they keep all of the tablets and grabs the highest dose of pain relievers. His mother always keeps around ten packets of them in there so they don’t run out. He grabs some of his father’s medication too to make sure it will do the trick and then creeps back upstairs again and into the bathroom. He zones in on the razor on the side of the bath and makes a grab for it pulling it close.

He makes short work of unwrapping all of the packets and as quietly as he can pops all the little white pills from the foil and makes a pile of them next to him. Then slowly he takes each one dry. He must have taken around seventy pills by the time he’s done and prays that it’s enough. But he needs to make sure. He doesn’t want this to fail, he can’t afford for it too. So he picks the razor up again and moves it to his wrist pulling and twisting the blades till they come free and pauses.

He doesn’t regret this. There’s no turning back. Soon he’ll be able to hopefully see Andy. He’ll apologise for sure and beg for him to forgive him. But there again, when you take your own life, it’s a sin right? Will he even get to see Andy? He sighs.

“I’m so sorry Andy. I hope you can forgive me. Please forgive me. I’m just, I’m just not that strong. But hopefully, hopefully, I’m going to see you soon, and you can shout at me all you want okay?”

He smiles one final time and takes the blade across his skin digging deep.

It hurts, God it hurts but he takes it, because he knows he deserves this. He makes the same marks on his other wrist and then waits, and waits. His vision becomes blurry slightly and he feels funny. Sort of dizzy and then there’s no pain, there’s just nothing.

He’s doesn’t even realise when the door is slowly pushed open and someone screams his name in horror. He doesn’t flinch when his parents come running in after hearing his sister’s screams and shake his shoulders frantically. He doesn’t respond when paramedics arrive and lift him up and away.

Darkness takes over and he welcomes its embrace.

It doesn’t work. That’s all he can think about when he wakes and finally realises that he’s still alive and breathing. Disappointment takes over him and he doesn’t speak when the doctors try to get him to answer their questions. The whens, whats, whys and hows. He ignores them and focuses on what an utter failure he is. So they stop and bring in a psychiatrist instead. She asks similar questions and wants to know the same thing.

“Did you do this to try and take your life Liam?”

He wants to laugh. Because isn’t that obvious? He didn’t do it to save himself now did he? But he doesn’t do anything. Instead he sits in silence and stares into nothing.

No knowing what else to do between the two of them his doctor and physiatrist decide it would be best to send him to go and get help after he tries to take his life again in the hospital and physically fights the nurses when they try and stop him.

And so he ends up at Betwixt and Between Psychiatric Hospital two days later still bandaged up.

His mother cries, as do his sisters as they pull him in for warm hugs and teary goodbyes. His father simply looks at him, and something inside his dead hearts stirs as he takes in his watery eyes and solemn facial expression.

“Dad…” he says softly.

His father reaches out for him pulling him in for a hug and squashing him close to his chest.

“You stay safe okay? You’re going to get better here and we’ll come and see you as much as we can yeah? Don’t worry about anything you just need some time for yourself is all”

He feels his own eyes become misty and clings to his dad not wanting him to let go.

But the staff behind him intervene and tell his family that they have to go now. They tell them everything is going to be fine, that Liam is going to be fine.

All he can do is stand there and watch as the family car pulls off down the drive and into the sunset.

But that was four years ago and he’s not long celebrated his 20th birthday.

-X-

Upon returning the ward Josh is shocked to find Dan, Sandy and Jon in the den with the rest of the boys with what looked to be instruments.

"What’s going on in here then?" He asks watching as Liam slides last him and into to the space next to Zayn on the sofa.

He can see Niall sat curled into Harry’s side, the younger boy looking down at the blonde fondly as Niall plays a melody on guitar. Louis’s sat in the armchair in the corner watching Niall in fascination as he plays.

He spots Jon who grins at him and beckons him over to where he’s stood behind a keyboard stand, his fingers dancing across the keys.

"Well the guys like singing and Dan, Sandy and I can all play various instruments, and Niall too as you can see, so we thought we might as well have ourselves a music therapy session. The boys seem to enjoy it and it lets off some steam so every now and again we bring in our gear in and have a jam session!"

Josh grins in return. Now this is something he can do. He’s always had a love for music ever since he was younger; after all he’d been desperate to be a drummer.

"So do you need a drummer at all?" He asks raising an eyebrow at Jon.

Jon looks surprised for a moment, but it soon melts away and reveals his excitement.

"You play the drums?" Dan asks from the sofa next to Sandy.

"Yeah" Josh tells him. "I started having lessons when I was eight. I wanted to be a professional drummer and join a band" he then explains watching as Louis’s eyes sweep over to look at him.

"Well it’s a shame we don’t have a drum kit then" Louis says suddenly cutting into the conversation looking irritated.

"Hey come on Louis, play nice" Jon says frowning. "Maybe next time you can join in then?" He then asks.

"Course, I’ll try and bring my kit in"

Jon looks pleased with the suggestion and with that turns to look at the boys. Niall seems to have engaged Dan and Sandy in a guitar showdown and Josh has no idea who’s winning. But Niall has such an intense look of concentration on his face that he’s momentarily taken back.

"He’s good right?" Jon says from next to him.

"Yeah…" Josh replies softly.

Jon chuckles.

"Self-taught from what Harry’s told me. Can read music fluently too, amazing really… Anyway! C’mon then lads! Any requests?"

Josh watches as Zayn lifts his head slowly and zeros his eyes in on Jon. He doesn’t say anything but his eyes clearly read that he wants to.

"Zayn?" Sandy asks.

All eyes turn to the dark haired lad when no one else comes up with anything.

"Just though about the one we did the other day…" Zayn says slowly and Josh realises this is the first he’s heard Zayn really say anything other than yes or no.

"Oh you mean ‘Little Things’ right?" Dan asks strumming out a soft melody on his guitar.

Zayn nods and breaks eyes contact again going back to staring off into space, but Josh can see the way his lips have curled ever so slightly up into a small smile.

He watches as Dan, Niall and Sandy harmonise their guitars together to create a soft melody. He stands just enjoying the music when Zayn out of nowhere, starts singing. His voice is deep and rich. It has a rough sort of edge to it that fits the song perfectly. He looks content sitting there just singing the soft lyrics and putting his own spin on them as he does.

Liam then takes over after, and the change in his personality is amazing. He comes out of his shell completely and really gets into the song; singing with so much raw emotion. He looks utterly at home and for once confident.

The two of them then harmonise for what Josh assumes to be the chorus and smiles when he sees Zayn tilt his head slightly to glance at Liam. Liam in turn does the same and to his amazement the two share a discreet smile.

Louis then takes over from them with a grin and Josh is once again surprised to see that he actually look like he’s enjoying himself. There’s no malice or usual mischief that he’s so used to seeing in his smile and he actually looks almost relaxed compared to his normal tense posture. His voice has a higher tone than the other two, but it still holds as much emotion as Zayn and Liam.

Louis’s voice ebbs away and Harry’s then chimes in and Josh can pick out the rockier edge it has over the others. Harry normally speaks rather slow and deep, but his singing voice really makes the most of it drawing out all the words and using his full vocal range. It’s incredible how much singing changes all of them, for the better. It doesn’t really surprise him when Niall’s voice moulds together with Harry’s on the chorus and it’s ever so sickly sweet when the two of them turn to sing the verse to each other.

Niall carries on singing to Harry when his turn comes round, body titled to face him and smile wide on his face. Harry indulges him smiling softy back and adding his own little harmonies to accompany Niall’s voice at certain points. The whole thing is adorable really, and Josh can’t look away despite it feeling like it should be a more private moment.

The five of them come together again for the finale and their voices blend together so well. It sounds utterly stupid but he feels like he’s watching a rehearsal for an actual band and no a group of mentally ill teens. He can’t even believe the thought has crossed his mind for moment. But then he realises that’s exactly what this feels like and wonders if they had never ended up here then would they have ended up on stage instead?

If they had never fallen off the rails - what would their lives be like now?

-X-

Despite Zayn having somewhat seeming happy during yesterday’s musical number his attitude the following morning was anything but.

Josh had been asked to take the sullen boy to his therapy session with Lou. He’s asked Zayn to meet up with him in the morning by Ward 37’s entrance door. So it hadn’t surprised him when he found the boy standing there with his earphones in blasting out R&B music with a grim expression bobbing his head to the tune. It also didn’t surprised him when he approached Zayn with a cheery “hey what’s up” and the boy didn’t so much as raise his head to look at him.

He did however afterwards take out one of his earphones and turn to wait for him to open the door.

Josh sighed at him; however he quickly reminded himself that Zayn wasn’t the most social of people anyway and that it wasn’t anything personal. Zayn acted like this with everyone, Paul included. He certainly wouldn’t be the first person to strike up a conversation and so Josh knew that if he wanted to talk to Zayn he was going to have to be the one to strike up small talk.

“So… Do you enjoy the therapy sessions? Or are you someone who dreads them?” he asked awkwardly and then mentally kicked himself, because honestly, he knows he could have done better.

He manages to catch Zayn briefly flick his eyes over to look at him indicating that he had heard him. The dark haired boy then shrugs his shoulders and stares ahead again.

Josh feels the urge to chastise him for it, but swallows it and instead smiles as best he can.

“So what do you enjoy doing then?” he tries again and is half expecting Zayn to just shrug again as they hit another door - but he needs to know that he at least tried here.

Zayn pauses for a moment as he watches Josh unlock the door with his key card.

“I… I like art I guess…” Zayn tells him staring off the side.

Josh feels like fist pumping the air because Zayn, Zayn Malik, just spoke to him!

“Y-yeah?” he encourages, hoping Zayn will continue.

He’s greatly disappointed when Zayn simply nods in conformation and Josh deflates all over again.

Looks like Zayn wasn’t going to make this easy for him…

Lou is already waiting when they arrive and as soon as they enter the room Zayn takes his other earphone out and put the music player into his pocket.

“Nice to see you both” Lou greets with a smile. “What music are we having today Zayn?” she then asks as Zayn sits down and she offers him three CD cases.

Josh blinks in confusion. She hadn’t offered Liam music last time he had been here. The thought leaves him lost for a moment and in the end he simple guesses it must help Zayn or something.

Once Zayn has picked out his choice Lou places the disk into a player and the sound of a soft R&B tune drifts through the room. Josh has to admit the sounds soothing and makes him feel a little more relaxed.

“So then, how have things been recently?” Lou asks with her normal wide smile in place.

“Alright I guess…” Zayn replies with an added shrug.

“And are you managing to stick to the targets we set last time?”

At this Zayn pauses and looks thoughtful.

“I had like two meals… Sort of” he tells her.

“Sort of?” Lou presses frowning.

“Yeah Paul made sure I had about five mouthfuls… Couldn’t stomach anymore” he explains glancing away from Lou in what looks like shame or disappointment, he certainly sounds bitter about it.

But Lou only smiles at him genuinely looking pleased with him.

“Well that’s great! What about after?”

Zayn grimaces again and sighs.

“Threw it up. Paul got me one of those vitamin drink things though. He wouldn’t let me go back sleep until I had finished it…”

Even though Lou is aware of the set back now she doesn’t falter with her smile as she jots something down and then looks back at Zayn proudly.

“The important thing is that you tired, and that you chose to try. It means that you are actively thinking about trying. No one can take that away from Zayn”

Zayn nods again looking oddly amazed at what Lou is saying almost as though he’s only just realised what he’s done.

“Besides” Lou continues. “It’s much better than last time right?”

Zayn makes a noise that sounds like a mix between a laugh and a grunt of agreement.

Silence falls over the room while Lou makes a few more notes onto Zayn’s file. Once done she turns back again to Zayn with yet another smile.

“So how is everything else? Have you still been writing everything down?”

“Yeah” Zayn tells her. “I guess it’s been alright… Louis’s still pissing me off whenever we go to eat. Keeps bugging me about the amount I have. But the last couple of days have been alright. Played Xbox with Liam too which was good. Harry, Niall and me went out into the gardens with Preston and Jon the other day. Did some study thing on the plants and stuff. Lessons with Jon have been going well I guess… Did some more drawing”

More silence passes once Zayn’s done telling Lou what he needs to and Lou actually looks really impressed.

“Well this is good” she tells him. “You’ve had a pretty good week by the sounds of it. How did you find spending time with Niall and Harry? Did you feel like you could make your own decisions? Or did you sort of follow their lead – well Harry’s lead seeing as Niall follows Harry?”

Josh nearly laughs. She has a point about Niall.

“No, it was good I guess. I tried to just do my own thing with Jon helping me. Harry and Niall kind of got… Distracted…” Zayn tells her giving her a meek look that clearly says “you know what I mean. Please tell me I don’t have to go into detail” that Lou clearly gets from the knowing smile.

“Right” Lou agrees with a smile. “Okay well I’m really pleased Zayn. From the sounds of it you’ve had a good week and that’s something to be proud about compared to last time. Keep up the good work okay? By the way remember to bring the project I set for you a couple of weeks ago in next time okay? The one where I asked you to do the drawings”

Zayn nods at her and looks ready to get up and go.

“Just complete the session form for me and you’re okay to go. I’m really proud of you Zayn. See it feels good to have had a good week right?”

Zayn gives her a shy shrug but still takes the form from her and moves over to the table at the side to fill it out anyway.

Lou grins leaning across to Josh.

“He’s been a lot more open today. I can tell he’s had a good week” she says softly watching the boy.

Josh smiles following her gaze.

“Yeah I’ve never heard him speak so much before” he says in agreement.

“It’s not always so easy trust me. Sometimes his sessions only last for about five minuets because he just tells me what I want to hear and doesn’t expand. It’s the years of high expectations that his parents pushed on him showing…”

Josh blinks at her in confusion.

“High expectations?”

The blonde haired woman glances back to him and then sighs looking back to Zayn.

“Yeah. His parents are well off successful business entrepreneurs. They’re not short on cash that’s for sure. Zayn literally had the best of everything when it came to clothes, schooling, technology. But the price to pay for that was that he had to be the ideal perfect picture son. They expected nothing less than perfection. Zayn became so obsessed with being perfect and following their rules to the letter that he pushed himself to extreme. Perfect grades, perfect looks, friends, lifestyle… He became his worst critic and ended up breaking himself from all the pressure he laid on himself. He felt like he lost control of his life and well one day he just broke down - decided he needed to regain control of his life again. Long story short he chose to limit what he ate and went power crazy with it and developed a severe eating disorder… Naturally his parents didn’t want anyone finding out and they sent him here by recommendation. They still get reports on him every now and then” she then leans closer in to him glancing to the side where Zayn still is checking to see if he’s really listening as she lowers her tone.

“The saddest part is, his parents haven’t been to visit once since he came in here five years ago”

-X-

It’s not like he doesn’t think about home often. He just chooses not to.

He doesn’t like to dwell on it anymore. But if and when he does think about home he thinks about his sisters and never his parents. He guesses they’re the ones partially to blame for why he’s here and that hurts. His parents had never even seen his disorder growing having always been too busy to look or never there to even have a chance to see it.

He guesses it doesn’t even matter really now. He’s never getting out of here anyway; he knows he’s a long term case. He just feels bad for his sisters – they’re the ones still stuck there, and he worried for them. Who’s going to be there to support them? He can’t when he’s stuck in here.

He’d not had a good childhood really. Right from a young age he had been told how to behave, how to hold his cutlery, how to greet people and how to look. He’d never had control over his actions or decisions, there had always been someone in the background pulling the strings. His parents had placed him into a private school as soon as he had been old enough to attend. Only the very best for the only heir to their many businesses – they had been very old fashioned and so he, as the only boy, had been chosen to inherit everything.

They had already selected friends for him to be introduced to and they were all children of their business friends living similar closed off lives. Even the classes he took were all chosen out and he was never allowed to pick out his own hobbies. His mother wanted him to learn calligraphy and his father wanted him to study either law or business – he’d been horrified when there had actually been a choice and he’s felt his heart swell for a moment. But then his mother had tutted behind him and quickly scrubbed out the option to study law – “It only leads to a dead end job, I want Zayn to broaden his business knowledge so he’d properly prepared” she’d said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

So he’d gone on to study business and the feeling that he was losing control of everything only grew. He had no say in anything he did and was watched 24/7 by nannies and employees at his parents estate. He never had a moment’s peace.

His parents then decided to add a private tutor to his already busy schedule. They felt it would only be appropriate that he dedicate even more time to refining his knowledge.

Zayn had wanted to shout and scream and throw things around the room. But that wouldn’t have been the correct way to handle the situation and God only knows what people would think to that kind of behaviour. So he had simple nodded and not said a word and waited until they have left again before taking a deep breath and sighing.

His sisters had had much of the same treatment and were just as closely watched. They were expected to all be model daughters and get the good grades and eventually progress the university before finding the ideal man and settling down preferably having one or two perfect children.

Zayn knew he should be grateful. He had never wanted for anything, ever. But the price he had to pay for that was his very freedom. He had never been given a say in his own life - never had to think for himself. He was taken everywhere he needed to go. What he ate was decided and cooked for him. When he went to bed and when he rose was decided foe him. His very clothes in his wardrobe had been carefully hand selected and place there for him. He’d never made any of the choices himself.

It was like he was simply living someone else’s life. Or simply just existing.

Something had to chance.

It was one morning at breakfast when it hit him.

He had come down to breakfast to find his three sisters already seated and tucking into a large selection of food - toast, omelettes, fruits and most other food that can be considered breakfast.

As soon as sat a large empty plate was placed in front of him and a lady began to place different things onto it. He gave a heavy sigh miserably. He couldn’t even choose his own food as his parents worried about him getting a balanced meal.

"Is something wrong?" The woman asked in concern.

There was no point even trying to explain the issue. The people around him were simply pawns of his parents. They would only tell him that they were following instruction given by them.

"No. Everything is fine" he lied, shaking his head.

Halfway through eating he realised he didn’t really feel like eating anymore. He just wasn’t in the mood. His apatite gone from his dark mood. He pushed away from the table, straightening out his clothes.

"I’m finished" he announced walking to door.

He then paused in shock as he realised that for once, for the first time, he had made a decision for himself. He had CHOSEN not to eat. He’d made the choice for himself, by himself. No one had given him options, it was something by his own free will he had done.

He smiled, genuinely felt a swell of happiness burst inside of him. God how long had it been since he’d felt like this?

"Sir is something wrong?" A voice asked from behind.

Zayn, still smiling, turned.

"No, everything’s perfect"

So life continued. He would do as he was told allow his life to be run for him. But there was now something that wasn’t decided for him; something he could control himself.

He had a good collection of excuses to give when asked. He was full or wasn’t feeling well. He had already eaten earlier or wasn’t enjoying what had been cooked - it was harsh, but it got him out of eating.

But the staff were starting to catch on. They gave him suspicious looks and would press him to at least try a few more mouthfuls. It was fast becoming a problem.

He had an option in mind, but was unsure if he really could follow through with it.

He’d heard of purging before. But he’d obviously never done it himself. However it was one way or avoiding the curious gazes and disbelieving looks. He had to try something.

So during the next dinner he ate as he normally would and didn’t make any excuses to leave.

He made conversation with his sisters and asked them about their day. It was all going well and the staff looked relieved as he ate his meal without excuse and emptied his plate.

However when he left the room and went back to his own quarters he rushed into his connected bathroom and stood there uselessly for a moment wondering how to go about it.

He had to somehow make himself sick.

But he didn’t want to just stick his fingers down his throat. He’d done some pretty basic research about the topic at school on one of the computers there. Naturally he’d only skimmed the surface being as he didn’t want anyone to find out what he’d been doing. But as he’d been scrolling through some of the websites he’d found that using your fingers extensively to make yourself sick could ruin your nails and fingers due to the acids. He couldn’t risk damaging his looks. He had to retain his prefect image.

As he stood there contemplating all this his eyes landed on his toothbrush sitting innocently on the cabinet.

Perfect.

One of the sites had recommended toothbrushes seeing as they had a longer reach to the back of the throat.

He reached forward and grabbed it pushing it to the back of his throat tickling the sensitive muscles there.

He gagged once, twice, but noting came up. So he tried again, this time forcing himself to rench. It worked after a few tries and everything came hurtling back up. Once he felt like he stomach was properly empty and he had cleared away the evidence of what he had just done he slide down the wall and sat on the cold bathroom floor.

He’d done it. He’d really done it.

It hadn’t been pleasant, but he felt better for doing it all the same. This was his choice.

So he continued with the routine. Every time he ate and then he would run to the nearest bathroom and bring it back up again until he felt empty again.

However he  
knew that he had to eat something to keep his body going. So he tried sticking to drinking tons of water and eating a piece of fruit he taken from breakfast to keep him going.

He’d noticed how much better his body was beginning to look since he’d started. He’d lost a little around his face and in his opinion looked much better for it. His waist was also looking a little slimmer and much better. It was only more of sign that he was doing the right thing and it felt amazing.

This it became an obsession. Weighing himself at every chance, calorie counting and surviving on the bare minimum that he could.

He was obsessed with looking his best and playing his part as the perfect son, in appearance, behaviour and intellectually. Everything had to perfect and not a hair out of place.

He was currently bouncing between seven to seven and a half stone, but he want to go much lower. He didn’t really have a target in mind; he just wanted to go as low as he could. So if that meant not allowing anything at all to digest, then so be it.

He frowned as he looked at his reflection. His face was thinner, he had to admit, but he couldn’t understand what his sister had meant about it looking gaunt. Sure his clothes might hang off him now, but not enough, maybe never enough. His skins also been very dry and flaky, but it’s just a side effect, nothing extra skin cream won’t solve. The important thing is that he’s got his life under control.

Even if that no matters compared to his weight.

But everyone has to wake up from their dreams at some point.

He wakes up late one morning. For some reason no one had been in to wake him up and his natural body clock kicks in and does the job for him. He frowns, thinking it odd, but gets up anyway.

Checking his weight is the first thing on his mind once out of bed and he rushes into his connected bathroom pulling the scales from the cabinet. In a rush he pulls off his shirt and bottoms tossing them to the floor in a heap. Eagerly he steps on the device he’s started to worship closing his eyes and praying for it to be low – or maybe just falls on 0.

Due to being so completely focused on numbers and figures he fails to notice the sudden presents of another standing there in the open doorway. A shocked gasp snaps his concentration like whip lash.

He blinks seeing Carl, the man who usually comes to wake him up standing there in horror gaping at him,

“Sir?” he finally says and Zayn can physically see his mind trying to work the situation out. He doesn’t know why though, he’s only on the scales; it can’t be that shocking surely?

But apparently it is because his parents are called home from their separate conferences and he’s made to see a doctor urgently. The doctor assesses his body and asks (in his opinion) some pretty stupid questions.

“How often do you eat?”

“What do you eat?”

“Have you ever thrown up after eating?”

In the end the doctors places a name to his so called “illness”.

He hadn’t even been aware that he was ill and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous.

But apparently he is Anorexic and suffering with Bulimia.

It’s a joke really, a bad one at that, and he doesn’t find it funny. Neither do his parents. They don’t want it on his records and they want to keep the whole thing quiet.

So they usher him home quickly and keep him sealed in his room locked away from the world. His father shouts downstairs at his mother, raging about how he won’t allow anyone to find out. He doesn’t want him in the house apparently.

“Send him away!”

“I don’t want this madness affecting the girls!”

“Get him locked up!”

So that’s what happens.

After he ends up collapsing in the halls one evening he’s rushed into hospital and his father makes the call.

Everything is arranged while he’s still too drugged up to understand.

His things are packed up back at the house into neat boxes and shipped out under the shield of darkness and moved away.

Three days later two large, well –built men and a petite blonde lady arrive in the hospital for him.

He doesn’t question who they are or where he’s going when they tell him he’ll be leaving with them. This is simply just another decision that’s been made for him.

Yet again his input is null and void.

His parents say nothing as he’s taken away. They simply walk in the opposite direction down the hall and don’t look back. Their backs are the last he sees of them.

And they haven’t turned around in five years.

-X-

It’s much later when Josh sits down and thinks about everything he’s heard and seen so far. He’s meant to be watching over Harry and Niall, but the two of them are sat tangled around each other on the other sofa whispering to each other, words he can’t hear and grinning at one and other.

It’s cute really. They just look like two normal teenagers in love. You wouldn’t even be able to tell that they were suffering from any disorders or illnesses.

Right there in that moment they just looked completely normal.

It makes him wonder what defines you as normal – what normal really is.

All the boys on Ward 37 have two eyes, two arms, two legs and every other body part you’d expect to find on the typical human body. They only difference is that they don’t act in the way society expects.

But there again who does?

Everyone had those thoughts they don’t speak out loud.

“I’ll kill them”

“I hate my body. I’m never eating again”

“I want to die”

The thing is when the boys in here think them, they don’t just think them, they act on them.

Although so do people on the outside world.

You hear about it every day on the news, in the papers, on the radio. Someone’s killed someone, or someone’s committed suicide. People gossip about other people. They’re unkind to others due to jealously and to be spiteful and twisted.

So really, isn’t everyone a little mad? Isn’t everyone just that little bit insane?

Is there really even such a thing as normal? Or is it just another unattainable image that everyone’s chasing after?

Josh flicks his eyes back over to where Harry and Niall are lying on a mound of pillows on the floor smiling at each other, fingers intertwined between them.

He doesn’t think normal can really be defined. But really, does it even matter when you have something as special as Harry and Niall do?

-X-

Harry has his therapy session today. Josh wonders whether it’s even worth going to. For the first time ever he’s seen the other side to Niall; the not so bright and bubby side.

Niall had freaked out when he’d come into Harry and Niall’s shared room and announced that Harry had to go for his therapy. Niall had immediately clung to Harry’s arm as the curly haired boy had stood up from their bed and the blonde had violently demanded to go to.

Paul had obviously heard Niall shouting and had come up behind Josh stepping into the room to try and calm the situation down and Harry had then kicked off shouting at Paul to “get the hell out” of the room – it had turned out that Harry was more territorial than an alpha male wolf. Paul hadn’t seemed all that fazed and had rolled his eyes taking a few steps back until he was standing just outside of the threshold of the room. Seeing this Harry had slightly relaxed his tense shoulders but had kept his narrowed eyes trained on the two do them glaring darkly.

“Harry” Paul had said slowly, his tone staying even almost as if he was trying to coax a wild animal out of hiding, which he may as well have been doing from the way Harry and Niall were both acting. “You’ve got a therapy session today with Lou, and I’ve booked you a slot in the gym for if Lou recommends you go. Which from the looks of things now she’s more than likely going to suggest” he told him firmly with no mess tone.

Paul and Harry then a moment where neither speak and they only look at one and another in a stare down. But Harry then caves and drops his eyes to the floor for a second, and Josh releases a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

The curly haired boy then turned to Niall and hugged him close whispering soft words to him as Niall continued to cry. Harry takes his time reassuring him he’ll be back soon and everything’s going to be fine. But it doesn’t look like Niall’s convinced as he frowns into Harry’s shoulder.

“But…” he starts to say.

“I’ll be back soon. Come on, we’ll go and find Liam. Stay with him okay? Don’t go with anyone else, even if they ask” Harry tells him.

Josh frowns at the words. He’d been told it was Louis who was paranoid, but he’s beginning to wonder. Harry was speaking to Niall like he was going to be kidnapped and killed. It seemed neither of them trusted very well from the looks of things.

Harry pulls back and threads his hand through Niall’s moving away them away towards Josh and Paul and out of the room.

Paul rolls his eyes again at Josh but signals him to follow anyway and the two of them watch as Harry leads Niall towards the den area. Upon arriving they find Liam sitting down on one of the sofas with a game console in his hands playing one of the many racing games the boys have ready available to them. Liam gives a soft smile when he spots them and pauses the game glancing nervously at Harry when he spots the serious look on his face. However it seems like he gets the message pretty quickly as he glances between both boys and tries to smile again.

“Do you want me to look after Nialler?” he asks Harry who nods in return and guides Niall over to sit next to the older boy.

“Only till I get back” he murmurs. “Got therapy and maybe gym” he explains while grabbing the blanket resting on the back of the sofa and draping it round a silent Niall.

“Oh, okay. Well don’t worry, I’ll keep Niall company till you get back. We can play that new game that Preston brought in the other day right Niall?” Liam suggests with a small smile at the blonde boy.

Niall glances over and keeps his head hung low shifting into Liam’s space and resting his head against his arm. He doesn’t say anything just keeps very still and his gaze focused on Harry, who noticing drops down and places a kiss against his temple.

“Wait here till I get back” Harry then says and walks away.

But now there here in the session Josh wondered whether there was any point. Lou was having trouble trying to get Harry to say anything. The boy just didn’t seem to want to talk about anything and was being horrifically stubborn. He wouldn’t answer any of Lou’s questions and was being incredibly evasive and it Lou looked as though she was at the end of her patience with him.

She gave a heavy sigh and placed his folder down on her desk in defeat pulling out one the forms she had made Liam and Zayn fill out and handed it to him wordlessly.

“You know what to do” she said to him wearily as he took the paper and walked over to the table flopping down into a chair.

Josh himself felt just as drained as Lou probably did, Harry was one awkward little shit when he wanted to be. The most annoying thing was that he had done it all with that cheeky smirk playing on his lips; he knew damn well what he was doing and was having fun with it.

“He’s such a pain when he wants to be. I know he’s doing on purpose as well. He’s obviously in a mood over something” Lou sighs again placing her chin on her open palm. “He just won’t tell me why…”

Harry finishes the form and hands it back to her getting ready to leave.

“I’m sending you down the gym just so you’re aware” Lou tells him firmly sounding somewhat cross over the fact that the session has been a failure.

“Alright” Harry mutters and starts walking away without complaint, not that Josh was expecting it, Harry had already been aware of this happening.

The gym reminds Josh of the one near his house that he goes to often. It’s pretty well decked out with equipment and there are a fair few people in there working out. Only difference is that there’s an insane amount of security manning the place at every exit and around specific pieces of kit.

Josh and Harry have both been given clean kits and have changed ready for a heavy workout according to Harry. The boy doesn’t waste any time in hunting down one of the trainers at the desk and no sooner has he spoken to someone a well-built man comes ambling over.

“Nice to meet you. Names Mark Jarvis” he says extending his hand to shake his.

Josh has to admit he’s a little more than intimidated; the guys also got a nasty grip.

“I, erm, good to meet you too”

Mark smirks and then looks at Harry, arms crossed.

“So, same as usual then? No doubt Lady Lou has sent you down here to work out some of built up anger of yours”

“I guess” Harry says shrugging uncaringly glancing off elsewhere.

Turns out Harry got quite a good right hook. Josh is currently holding up strike pads in each hand and standing there as Harry hammers his fists into them; and holt shit does it hurt. Harry doesn’t hold back he goes for each blow intending to hurt. The force of each punch against the pads is beginning to send him stumbling back each time, and he’s not really sure he can keep this up much longer. Harry been at this now for around ten minutes and doesn’t look like he’s going to give up anytime soon.

According to Mark this is Harry’s favourite routine at the moment.

“You alright there Josh?” Mark asks smirking slightly as he watches Josh gather his footing again.

“Y-yeah. I’m fine, just erm, lost my footing slightly is all” he tells him, most likely looking really embarrassed right now.

“Good. I reckon Harry’s got another ten minutes in him” he laughs. “You want me to take over?” he asks with a knowing look as Josh all but gives himself whiplash from the force of his nod.

Mark takes over and falls into stance in front of Harry.

“Come on then Styles! Give me your best shot” Mark roars at Harry.

Harry doesn’t disappoint.

He lunges at Mark and smacks the pads with a force Josh has never seen before. He looks almost possessed as he keeps going and going not stopping for rest. There’s sweat pouring off him and the veins in his arms are raised and angry as he continues smacking his fists into the pads mercilessly. His eyes are narrowed and completely focused ahead and Josh doesn’t doubt that if anyone stepped in front of his target he wouldn’t stop.

Josh knows for certain he wouldn’t want to get on Harry’s bad side if this is the result.

Mark takes Harry through another twos sets before cooling down. He gives Harry a heavy pat on the back and a cheery well done before calling it a day and telling them both to go take a long shower.

Josh is more than happy to take him up that offer and is quick to pack up and head towards the shower block. Harry follows him at a slower pace rubbing his face with a towel Mark had chucked his way. He’s bright red faced and still had sweat dripping down his neck, but Josh guesses that’s to be expected from the damage Harry had done earlier in the gym.

“Wow” he says stepping out of the shower. “You’ve really got a good punch”

Harry nods drying his hair off.

“Had plenty of practice” he murmurs darkly skulking off to change.

Josh wonders what he means for a moment. Does he means training with Mark; or is he talking about before he came into the hospital?

“You don’t open up much do you?”

Harry frowns pulling his shirt up and over his head.

“I don’t trust easily…” The curly haired boys says.

“I see…” Josh replies slowly watching as Harry gathers up the borrowed gym clothes.

“Niall and I come from dark places… It’s not so simple for us to open up. Niall… It’s especially hard for him. I won’t let him get hurt again…” he says softly in a tone only meant for Niall glancing at Josh briefly before turning to place his clothes into the wash basket leaving Josh in shock.

So… Something really bad had happened to Harry and Niall that had made them so recluse and unwilling to allow people into their world. But Harry opening up slightly had only created more questions; none of which he seemed eager to answer. It left Josh a little lost. Liam had been driven to suicide. Zayn had been felt that his life was being controlled and so had been taken desperate measures to claim it back. Louis… Well he wasn’t so sure he wanted to know what had made him snap after the confrontation in quarantine. But he was genuinely interested in Harry and Niall’s past. What had led to Niall being so dependent on Harry? Why was Harry so possessive of Niall?

There were just too many questions and just not about answers.

-X-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here part two… Hope it wasn’t too dark for people. Writing the boy’s pasts nearly killed me off to be hones - poor Liam especially. But as always let me know what you think! I would be most grateful! :)


	3. Illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A HUGE thank you to everyone who sent me lovely messages about the story! I love all you lovely people. A special thank you to nouisxnarry! My dear you need to enable people to send you messages as I couldn’t reply to you! :D But thank you anyway!

 

 **Illusion:** **an instance of a wrong or misinterpreted perception of a sensory experience.**

 “ _So what about if you had a chance to go to America or Australia? Which would you choose?_ ”

“ _Harry likes America, I think…_ ”

“ _But what which would you choose Niall?_ ”

“ _Harry said L.A. is nice, so…_ ”

They’d been at this for half an hour now. Lou was asking Niall multiple choice questions and Niall had to choose his answer or give an opinion. But the blonde haired boy was struggling to differentiate between his own thoughts and feelings and Harry’s.

“ _But what do **you** think Niall? Where would **you** like to go?_ ” Lou asked stressing that she was looking for Niall’s answer and not Harry’s.

Niall glances to floor as if it held the response Lou was looking for and started fumbling his fingers together. He bit his lip hesitating as he opened his mouth and then closed it again, kicking his legs back and forth.

“ _I’ll go wherever Harry goes…_ ” he says softly head bowed.

Lou sighs, but smiles fondly a moment later realising that Niall isn’t going to budge.

“ _I know you will_ ” she tells him in return. “ _I think we’ll leave it there shall we?_ _Can you fill out the form for me?_ ”

Niall glances weakly at her and shakes his head quickly.

“ _Alright, we’ll do it together okay? Right then, how do you think the session went today? Good or bad?_ ”

Josh shakes his head sadly as he watches Niall have yet another internal debate with himself, struggling to fathom his own opinions and thoughts. Once Niall was away from Harry everything became an issue. It had taken an hour just to get Niall away from Harry to go to his therapy and another half an hour to move him off Ward 37. Harry, after seeing Niall so distressed had started a full on brawl with Paul. Paul had then called for Preston and another guy from security and it had taken the three of them to hold Harry down. Harry had then been moved to quarantine and would most likely be in there until he could calm down. Although it left Josh wondering what state Niall would be in when he found out. No doubt he’d have another meltdown at the prospect of having to be alone.

Surprisingly when they get back to the ward Niall simply rushes into the den area and curls up next to Liam, whose reading, and starts whispering things to the brunette no longer paying any attention to him. It shouldn’t really shock him he guesses, Niall practically clings to Liam when Harry isn’t there and he can't help but wonder if it’s because that’s who Harry tells Niall to run to when he's not about.

So Josh sits in the den too keeping an eye on the two of them being as Paul isn’t there right now to give him anything to do. The man’s probably still with Harry after this morning’s stunt.

But he doesn’t have to wait long for a form of excitement as Louis arrives from nowhere.

He hasn’t really seen much of the boy since the other day when they had all sat down and had a jam session together. But Louis seems to avoid him and has done ever since the first day he was on the ward when he had nearly killed him.

The copper haired boy is stood at the door with Jon behind him. He looks intrigued to see Josh there and throws him a wave walking in looking oddly happy and less creepy than usual. It doesn’t mean that Josh lets his guard down – it’s still Louis after all, creepy smile or not.

“ _G’morning Josh_ ” he says taking a seat next to Niall and giving the blonde a quick hug frowning when Niall goes stiff in his hold, and separate smile to Liam – who sends one of own in return.

“ _Morning Louis_ ” he returns nodding his head to him and Louis beams in response.

He can't help but find it odd that Louis in such a friendly mood, but as he watches him chatting away to a more subdued Niall he can’t help but be taken in by it.

“ _He's having one of his good days today_ ” Jon tells him as though he’s read his mind taking a seat next to him.

“ _I though as much_ ” he replies grinning.

“ _It’s nice to see really. Not often he has them, but when he does he’s one of the easiest of the lads to work with. He doesn’t have any other underlining disorders or illnesses, so it’s as if he’s just a completely ordinary lad. Amazing really…_ ”

Josh can’t help but agree as Louis laughs and tries to coax Niall in to playing on the game station with him eagerly.

“ _C’mon Niall. It’ll help you take your mind off things, I promise_ ” he says pulling at Niall's wrist.

“ _But..._ ” Niall goes to say, but Louis cuts him off with a cheerful smile and pulls him over to the TV grabbing a handful of games and shuffles through them until he lands on Mario Cart and slots it in. He then pulls out four controllers and hands one to Niall before scampering over to Liam and dropping one into his lap expectantly. Liam looks up at him in surprise placing his book down.

“ _You too Liam_ ” he tells the taller boy.

“ _Urm, okay?_ ” the brown eyed boy says dropping down to join Niall on the floor.

Louis nods, pleased with himself and then wanders over to Josh and wordlessly hands him a controller too.

“ _You want me to play?_ ” Josh asks in shock.

It’s the first time Louis had really spoken to him since their first meeting – which hadn’t exactly been all that pleasant for either sides.

“ _Well yeah… If you want_ ” he answers glancing off to the side refusing to make eye contact. “ _You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Jon’s here so…_ ”

“ _No! Of course I want to. Don’t think I’ll go easy on you though!_ ” Josh grins sitting up and joining the rest of them on the floor.

Louis grins too cheering and throwing himself next to Josh.

It’s odd thinking back on it. When they had first met Louis had nearly killed him and yet here they are now playing Mario Cart sitting together like nothing had ever happened.

It’s nice dare he say, just sitting there playing some good old video games, nostalgic of the times he and his friends had done the same thing. He glances to look at the other boys and see poor Niall looking panicked as always until Liam leans over and gently says something to him.

Louis laughs when Josh takes the lead on the game, his animated avatar only just overtaking the others. The copper haired boy shoves into his side causing Josh to lose focus and allow his character to fall behind once again.

“ _Hey!_ ” Josh cries. “ _That’s cheating Louis!_ ”

“ _No, it’s not. You’re just bad at this game is all_ ” Louis replies with a sly Cheshire Cat grin.

The older boy can only roll his eyes huffing, but he does share a small smile with Liam when he catches the boy’s eyes.

They continue for a few more rounds with Jon watching them with a bemused look as the boys shout and scream at the TV cheering on their characters and roaring at them to go faster. Louis continues to nudge his side trying to distract him in any way he can by making odd noises. It’s all good fun and to be honest Josh is just glad that he appears to be off Louis shit list. The normally agitated and aggressive boy he had come to know and fear had melted away and in his place was now a boy who was laughing and smiling and just being mischievous at any chance his got. The difference between his two personalities is frightening and Josh can’t even look as them as belonging to the same person.

“ _Yes!_ ” Louis yells jumping up into the air and fist pumping wildly.

Josh blinks up at the screen owlishly and realises that the final scores for the game are in. He rolls his eyes and pouts when he sees Louis’s name up at the top flashing mockingly at him only adding to his annoyance.

“ _Haha, you lost!_ ” Louis calls teasing him while pointing a finger at him and twirling around the room dramatically.

“ _Yeah, but only because you cheated!_ ” Josh finds himself shouting back feeling childish and forgetting for a moment that he’s arguing with someone who's been declared to be mentally unstable.

“ _I won fair and square I’ll have you know. It’s not my fault that you have no skill_ ” Louis replies smugly hand on hip and smirk on his lips.

“ _I do too!_ ”

“ _Do not_ ”

“ _Do too!_ ”

“ _Do not!_ ”

Liam smiles slightly from the floor watching them go back and forth like a tennis ball across a court, and Josh swears he’s never seen the boy so amused. Niall however looks a little worried and bites his lips concerned.

But Louis then laughs, and it’s a real laugh with no malice, and drops down onto the sofa next to Jon.

“ _You know you’re alright Josh_ ” he says softly looking almost fond.

It’s enough to make Josh go still and the retort he had had ready dies on his tongue as he processes what Louis has just said.

Had the boy just _complemented_ him?

There's moment where the two of them simply stare at each other and don’t break away; and Josh has never felt such a feeling of understanding between two people.

The moment ends when Louis breaks eye contact with a quick smirk and a pat to Jon’s knee.

“ _Come on Jon, I want to go to bed now, but we’ve got to go and sort out my meds_ ”

Jon laughs at him but sits up anyway and stretches out a little.

“ _Come on then, you nuisance_ ” he replies playfully and laughs once more when he spots Louis’s scowl directed at him.

They make it as far at the door before Louis pauses a second, hand resting on the doorframe, and Josh can feel the dread building up in his stomach waiting for the unpredictable boy to make his move.

However he’s surprised when the copper haired lad turns on heel with a wide smile on his face.

“ _You can call me Lou if you want, people used to call me that… Before_ ”

For the second time that night Josh feels like the airs been knocked from his lungs and he stands there looking a bit stupid he guesses as he look dumbly at the boy.

Even Jon, who must have seen it all by now, looks stunned. Niall and Liam have also gone very still behind him hanging on every word that falls from their lips.

Somehow he finds himself again and manages a smile that isn’t in the least fake.

“ _Okay_ ” he says back feeling relief flood through his entire body.

The other returns the smile grinning from ear to ear as though he’s just discovered something amazing and then vanishes through the doorway rushing ahead of Jon chatting animatedly.

Josh shakes his head, but he can't remove the smile from his face for the rest of the evening.

-X-

He’s running.

He doesn’t know what from, but he can hear the footsteps echoing against the floor behind him. Voices are roaring all around him like lions trying to scare him away. Ge can’t let them catch him. He won’t be caught.

But then he remembers.

This isn’t his fault. He didn’t do it!

It’s _his_ fault, that stupid, _stupid_ boy.

He ruined everything.

Louis continues running, pushing his body as far as he can. But the pounding footsteps behind him drown merge into a deafening roar and he doesn’t dare turn around to see what’s happening.

Whatever is now behind him is moving much faster, creeping up on him. He catches a sudden movement behind him, a black blur, but doesn’t get a chance to truly register what it is. Something snatches him up a second later flinging him up into the air and yanking him back down forcing him to stare into twin blood red eyes.

This monster is a blob of black swirling smoke grinning maliciously at him showing off sharp teeth that could more than likely slice him in half.

He screams, flays and kicks out his legs violently, nails scratching at whatever his can in desperate bid to wriggle free. But it’s not doing anything and the iron grip only squeezes tighter around him preventing him from breathing in much needed air.

“ _Let go!_ ” he screams his voice raw until he can’t scream anymore.

But the beast only tightens its grip harder, bright red eyes blazing at him menacingly, taunting him.

It’s the last thing he sees as his vision swirls black.

He pushes his body up into the air gasping for oxygen to feed his starved lungs. Everything’s dark and this only panics him more, head darting around the room wildly. He’s in his bedroom from what he can tell, but that monster could be anywhere, so he’s not taking any chances. He moves off the bed and up towards the door slowly and feverously glances around as he goes.

That fucker isn’t going to sneak up on him again.

He flips the light on illuminating the room and rushes back to his bed for safety.

They’ll be here soon, but he isn’t going anywhere.

Right on time, he thinks as a knock on the door sounds through the room and a voice warns him that they’re coming in.

He scowls when he doesn’t see Paul like he’s expecting. Instead it’s Jag and another guy he doesn’t care to remember.

“ _Where’s Paul?_ ” he automatically demands as soon as they step over the threshold.

“ _He’s not on duty tonight Louis_ ” Jag tells him calmly. “ _Now what’s wrong? We were told you were screaming and thrashing about on the bed. The cameras picked up on it. Did you have another night terror?_ ”

“ _I want to speak to Paul_ ” Louis demands again through gritted teeth ignoring Jag’s questions. Why should he speak to them, he wants to see Paul.

“ _I told you Louis, he’s not on shift tonight_ ”

There's a pounding in his head now. It’s annoying, just like Jag’s being. Maybe, if he gets rid of Jag this pain will leave too…

He grins at the idea, feeling proud that he’d figured it out, and drops his head to the side to looks at both men.

Now Jag’s seen this many times before with Louis, he learnt the signs, and this doesn’t look good.

“ _Louis, don’t_ ” he chides, holding his hands up to show he’s not armed with sedative; Louis has a passionate hate for the stuff. “ _Come on now_ ” he says softly inching forward slightly taking note of Louis’s now narrowed eyes glaring poisonously at him.

The copper haired boy growls at him in warning, daring him to closer. He then scoots back on the bed and brings his legs up moving into a crouched position ready to pounce. Jag knows what he’s thinking already through and braces himself waiting for Louis to make a move as he creeps nearer. Unbeknown to Louis it was Mick, the guy behind him, who was carrying the sedative.

Louis leaps up at him suddenly as he’s mid-step. His arms come up to catch the boy who is hitting and kicking at him wildly like a scared animal.

“ _Mick!_ ” he yells behind him, craning his head round to see Mick coming in hurriedly, needle in hand ready to inject Louis.

Jag slung Louis forward into the bed and reaches down to hold him. He catches one of Louis flying fist that was aimed at him and pins it down with the other as the boy starts screaming and shouting again.

“ _You fuckers!! You’re working with him! He’s coming for me! He’s coming!_ ” he wails tears streaming down his cheeks.

“ _I’ve got him down. Inject him now before he does something stupid_ ” Jag sighs trying to ignore the boys confusing words; it was clear Louis had been dreaming horrid things again. “ _I hate to do this Louis. I know you don’t believe me, but I do. I don’t want to see you back in Quarantine, but you’re not giving me much choice behaving like this_ ”

Louis gave a chocked sob as he felt the needle piece his skin and struggles more.

“ _You’re working for him aren’t you? You fuckers! You fuckers! I knew it. I want Paul! I want to see Paul, you traitors!!_ ” he screams again. “ _Niall! Niall! Harry, Liam Zayn! Run! Run!!_ ”

His effort is pointless though, and within minutes he was slowing, and then he was out cold.

“ _Should keep him out for an hour or so_ ” Mick said sadly watching the limp boy.

“ _Long enough to take him down to Quarantine then. I’ll get someone to check on the others. I’ll bet this racket woke them up_ ” Jag says sighing reaching down to pick Louis up.

-X-

When he next opens his eyes he finds he’s no longer in his room. The walls are bare and certainly not his own.

Quarantine…

He slams his fist into the wall and curls his knees up to his chest miserably rocking back and forth.

He hates in in here. It’s boring and the people are stupid and annoying. The room is small and he can’t run around and cause mischief in such a small space. There's nothing to do but think and pace about.

It’s the same cell too. It’s always the same cell. The one he had spent his first year here in…

He doesn’t really remember much of the first year here. It’s a little blurry, but he does know he had been miserable before he had been eventually moved to the Ward.

He does however remember his life from before; and he _knows_ he hadn’t always been this messed up.

He’d come from a large family, he’d had four younger sisters. His father had walked away when he’d still been young and he’d taken his step fathers name and looked to him for guidance instead.

Life was good and he’s always been known for being a little eccentric and different, but people had always assumed it was part of his unique personality. An odd one he’d been dubbed by his teachers. He’d never made many friends and tended to be very antisocial and indifferent to other people other than his only friend Stan.

But his grades weren’t bad and his behaviour wasn’t anything to be overly concerned about. He was just mischievous as his mother said.

He just liked to watch others suffer was all.

Whenever any of the other kids fell over on the playground or injured themselves through being stupid he would grin and watch in fascination as they bleed. It was interesting, admiring how the cried and bled. Stan had called him weird, but he would point and laugh all the same grinning at them and calling them stupid, telling them to watch where they were going.

But Louis had found a hobby out of it. He found himself deliberately tripping up others in the halls or pushing people into the thorn bushes on the sides of the playground. He’d smirk as they fell and stare at the small punctures marring their skin after the bushes had done damage. It was sick some might say. But to Louis it was fascinating watching other people suffer.

The best was when people cried. The things they would say begging for the pain to stop. It was thrilling and Louis wished badly that it could have been him directly causing it.

But Louis knew it was the type of behaviour that could get him locked up and so he kept the thoughts inside his head when Corey Nickson was shouting his mouth off calling him gay. Instead he would think about how nice his body would look hanging from the ceiling with a barbed wired noose around his neck. Or how Mrs Briars would look simple _beautiful_ bathed in crimson blood as he slowly slit her neck when she sent him off to detention yet again for not doing his homework.

It was all going so well until that day during his fourth year in senior school just as he had celebrated his 15th birthday.

He’d always been known for being over protective of his younger sisters. They were part of the few people that he could actually stand. He was after all their older brother and they were his beloved younger sisters whom he doted on.

So when he discovered that Fizzy had been being bullied by another boy in his year, he had only felt it was right to get revenge. His name was Josh Layton, and he was known for bullying the kids in the younger years. He was nothing but scrum and when Louis thought about it he realised he was doing a bit of a public service by getting rid of him.

He’d stormed into the classroom where the other boy was one morning with a sadistic grin on his face. He wasn’t really sure what he had been intending to do, but he’d had many thoughts the previous night about silencing him up into little pieces and sending them to the boy’s mother wrapped up in Christmas paper.

The rest of the boys in the group who Josh had been sitting with had looked up alarmed by the crazed look on his face, and nudged Josh to gain his attention nodding to where he stood staring at them.

Josh had stood up grinning.

“ _What’s up freak? You got a problem or something?_ ” he teased smirking at Louis.

Louis smirked back tilting his head manically.

“ _No. But you will have_ ” he said tone creepy and soft.

This threw the boy off and he suddenly didn’t look so confident. But a glance to his friends behind made him realise he couldn’t back down now.

“ _Ha? What are talking about? Have you finally lost your pea sized brai-_ ”

The scissors hadn’t been his exact idea of weapon. But he’d seen them on one of the desks and had immediately reached for them. He’d took three measured steps forward, lunged and stabbed the scissors into the boy’s stomach.

Josh screamed and attempted to move back stumbling. Louis smirks and yanks the scissors out in one fluid movement relishing as Josh screams louder.

“ _You psycho!_ ” one of his friends shouts as the rest of them go rushing out of the room, their fight or flight senses kicking in.

Louis simply stands there grinning as he brings the tip of the scissors to his lips and takes one fluid lick at the blood coating it.

Josh is on the floor now terrified and staring up at him with fear riddled eyes.

“ _Don’t fuck with my family again_ ” he simple says and those are the last words he says to someone on the outside world.

He’s forced to see many people afterward the police collect him and finding him perched on one of the desks staring at the opposite wall.

He first visits the social services, who try and dig into his home life and analyse every parental decision his mother has ever made. Next are his local doctors, who browse through his short medical history and that of the rest of his family. He’s then sent to the police, who sit him down in a dingy interrogation room and record his many dark thoughts on tape. Then, finally he goes to see a physiatrist at the request of the above people, who have all come to the conclusion that something isn’t quite right with his mental state. But Louis laughs, because he could have told them that himself.

In the end he’s officially declares as psychotic. They say that somewhere along the line he simply snapped, and that there's not much that they can do for him now; he’s too far gone.

Apparently thinking Josh Layton had deserved to die for calling his sister stupid wasn’t normal. Neither was fantasising about repeatedly slicing up Corey Nickson’s body for calling him gay. They were also concerned about his recent behavioural patterns that his mother had mentioned in her interview with the police.

They thought it best that he be sent away, for the safety of his family according to them. Or at least that was how it had been explained to him.

So Louis had done what he had again thought best and had reached forward to grab the lamp sitting on the doctors desk and smacked her round the head with it before anyone could do anything to stop him.

The people from Betwixt and Between hospital come for him the next morning just as the sun is rising.

His mother cries, and it’s really ugly and heart-warming at the same time. It proves she somewhat cares. She wraps him up in her arms and sobs as though he’s being sentenced to death rather than being sent away; although right now the thought of being killed is better than what is really going to happen in his mind.

He’s never thought about death before, and he’s never thought that he's ever wanted to die either; only other people. But right there and then in that moment he was truly considering it. He actually felt suicidal, which is something he’s never imagined himself thinking.

He was never going to see his family again. He was never going to see Stan again. He was never going to be able to finish Josh Layton off. He was never going to see Lottie, or Fizzy, or Phoebe, or Daisy walk down the aisle in their wedding dresses. None of it would happen now. He wasn’t stupid; he knew he was never going out, even before he had been put in the hospital.

But his mother felt it best he be sent away in the end. She had been terrified for his sister’s safety after what he had done and was worried that if he ever got mad at one of them the same thing may happen. So when the doctors had suggested Betwixt and Between she had jumped at the chance.

Fizzy was now terrified of him though, and when she had seen the blood and been told what had happened was too scared to say goodbye despite the coaxing from Lottie. It had broken his heart to see, knowing that his younger sister was so scared of him. The twin’s however had been the complete opposite and as soon as they had seen him had come rushing to him arms wide open and tears streaking down their pale faces. They begged for him not to go, pleading with the doctors not to take their brother from them and Louis had felt his eyes well up hating the world and it’s cruelty. They turned to their mother next begging with her too, but to no avail as his mother simply shook her head teary eyed.

Louis sighed and knelt down to their height.

“ _You be good okay? You do as mum tells you and stay out of trouble for me okay?_ ” he said softly.

They nodded still sniffling and crying.

“ _And you never, never ever, forget that I love you okay? I’d do anything for you and I’ll always love you, no matter what okay?_ ” he says ruffling their hair slightly giving them a closed eyed smile.

It’s the last he see of them.

His mother had tried to come and see him afterwards. But he declined her visits. She had banned his sisters from coming to see him feeling that it would be too much of an upsetting experience. Instead she came and met with Paul or Lou for updates on his progress and to check how he was doing. Sometimes she would pass on drawings or letters from his sisters, but Louis refused to read them. It was best to cut ties now. But he still stashed them in a box under his bed, unopened. He decided he had lost interest in them.

In fact for a while he lost interest in everything.

Due to his violence before he had come into the hospital they placed him in Quarantine directly and he stayed in the same cell for over one year thanks to his violent attitude. For most of the year he had been repeatedly sedated and given shots to keep him calm, so he dosn’t remember much of it. But he knew he had been constantly punching walls and damaging himself.

Cell 621. He hated it. It was the same one they placed him back in when he acted up.

But then one day he just gave up. He did nothing for two months. He didn’t punch walls and he didn’t fight, he didn’t scream and shout and provoke people in the surrounding cells. He simply lost the will to do anything. He even gave Lou a slither of an insight into what he was feeling.

For some reason this gained him access to Ward 37 and he was introduced to Zayn. There was nothing special about him, and quite frankly Louis didn’t get the whole “Zayn doesn’t eat” thing. But whatever it got him out of the Cell 621 and he was going to take the chance while it was being offered to him.

Ward 37. That’s where he’s been for the past five years…

He glowers at the wall of Cell 621 and reals his fist back and creates yet another indent next to the others from the past.

He fucking hates it in here…

-X-

The next morning Josh hears about Louis and can’t help but feel deflated.

He’d been doing so well the other night. Why the sudden deterioration?

“ _It happens sometimes_ ” Paul had told him as they made their way into the Ward that morning. “ _There's nothing you can do. He’ll be out once he calms down and they’ve done another examination on his mental state and given him the all clear_ ”

It still upset him when he thought about how well everyone had been getting on. Luckily Harry had been released late last night and so Niall was back to his hyper state when he came in that morning. They had been sat together in their room Niall chatting happily to Harry as the curly haired boy listened with a serene smile pressing chaste kisses to Niall’s temple.

Liam had been okay too, a little disturbed from last night’s chaos and so he hadn’t slept well. Instead he’s been up with one of the nurses on the Ward watching TV until morning unable to sleep.

Zayn had slept through the whole thing; and in his words hadn’t “given a crap” about what had happened. He could apparently sleep through anything and had made the point that this happened a lot and so it wasn’t anything new.

Paul sighed as he finished reading over the report from last night that had been left for him by Mick.

“ _I have no idea why, but apparently Louis asked to speak to me again_ ” Paul tells him. “ _He does it every time, even when he’s told I’m not on duty. Lou says it’s because he has some sort of mental attachment to me_ ”

“ _Maybe_ ” Josh says thoughtfully. “ _I guess he just trusts you_ ”

“ _Eh maybe, he's a paranoid little fucker at times_ ” Paul laughs. “ _Anyway, let’s take the lads down to breakfast_ ” he suggests rounding up Jon to come with them.

The food court is about a ten minutes’ walk away from the ward, they have to take the stairs due to Niall freaking out in the elevator. He suffers badly with claustrophobia and even with Harry whispering constant reassurances he still can't cope and breaks down. It’s not worth the hassle of saving an extra five minutes and so they walk instead.

Once there Paul takes them to stand in line greeting a few of the other carers there and starting up a few general chats. Josh still hasn’t met everyone in the place, and he doubt he ever will. It’s too big a place, but Paul’s been there so long that he has quite the reputation now and Ward 37 is somewhat famous anyway.

Once the boys are seated down at their designated table, because each Ward has its own to cater for some of the more “fussy” patients, they begin the struggle of getting Zayn to eat enough.

That is until a sudden squeal pierces the room causing most of the room to turn.

There standing in the middle of the room is a girl with blonde curly hair staring straight at Harry with a demented look on her face.

“ _You!_ ” she all but howls. “ _I knew you were troooouble_!” she screams pointing wildly at Harry trembling fiercely. “ _Weeeee are neeeeever eveeeer getting back together!_ ” she goes on to somewhat sing while laughing hysterically.

“ _Taylor honey, come and sit back down now_ ” a nurse who's come over to her says, gently steering her back towards another table.

Harry stares impassively at her and curls his arm around Niall who blinking rather owlishly at her. He then raises his middle finger to her slyly and makes sure she sees it before turning away.

Taylor, as he now knows the girl is called screams again and throws herself on the floor violently.

“ _Now I’m lying on the cold hard groooound!_ ” she wails. “ _Ooooooh, Ohhhhh_ ” she continues before thrashing about, and the poor nurse who’s clearly in charge of caring for her crouches down to her and tries to coax her into getting back up again. But it seems Taylor’s more interested in dramatically rolling around on the no doubt dirty floor.

“ _Who’s she?_ ” Josh asks worriedly nodding his head in what he hopes was a discreet gesture.

Jon laughs while still watching to scene unfold.

“ _That’s Taylor_ ” he says like it explains everything, but clearly realising that Josh is none the wiser continues. “ _She’s… Somewhat delusional. Thinks she’s a really popular award winning country/pop singer_ ” Jon explains scratching his chin thoughtfully. “ _She also believes that she’s dated nearly all of the boys in here, including Harry, who she thinks is part of a five piece internationally famous boy band. I got to say though she does write some pretty catchy song…_ ”

“ _She’s a nut case…”_ Harry says not looking up from his breakfast.

“ _Harry!_ ” Paul scolds and goes back to coaxing Zayn to take another bite of toast.

“ _Well you could say that, but we’re all a little mad here_ ” Jon says smiling back at Harry.

“ _She needs to leave me alone_ ” Harry bites. “ _I’m not even dating her and I never would_ ” he then mutters arm still hooked around Niall.

“ _Harry is she funny?_ ” Niall asks while chewing around a mouthful of toast.

“ _She’s funny looking…_ ” Harry murmurs and then pauses when he realises Niall is _literally_ going to take that as the word of God. “ _I guess she’s funny…_ ” he amends smiling softly at Niall like he could do no wrong.

“ _Hm_ ” is all Niall responds with but then he brightens up out of nowhere. “ _My brother’s coming today!_ ” he exclaims and knocks the spoon from his bowl of cereal sending it flying at Liam who yelps and ducks under the table for a moment.

“ _Niall, please mind your silverware_ ” Liam says softly eyeing where the spoon has fallen, glaring at it spitefully.

“ _Oh, is he really?_ ” Josh asks, going back to Niall’s sudden outburst of information.

“ _Yep!_ ” Niall cheers. “ _He comes to see me once a month_ ” Niall tells him, and even though Josh is already aware he acts like he isn’t for Niall’s sake.

But he catches Harry glaring into space and briefly wonders what’s put him in such a foul mood all of a sudden. He knows it can't be just Taylor.

“ _So what time should he be here?_ ” Josh asks finishing off his own slice of toast.

Niall glances at Paul who looks thoughtful for a moment.

“ _He normally arrives somewhere between nine and ten. Usually fly’s out the day before so he can spend more time here_ ”

Niall grins and tugs on Harry’s arm.

“ _Will you come and see him this time?_ ” he asks looking hopeful.

Harry shakes his head and frowns.

“ _Sorry Ni, don’t feel like it today…_ ” he tells the blonde haired boy in return.

“ _Oh…_ ” Niall reply’s softly looking at the ground disappointed.

Josh gives Harry a sad look, which the curly haired boy doesn’t look grateful for and glances back to where Jon has just managed to coax Zayn into eating the rest of the cereal in his smaller dish.

“ _Well come on then, I think we’ve had enough excitement already for today_ ” Paul says clearly referencing Taylor, who's just been escorted out of the hall after she’d tried to give an acceptance speech. 

Josh nods and pulls himself up gathering Liam together and making sure that Harry and Niall have taken their trays back to the canteen.

They make their way back to Ward 37 and find that Louis has been released from his cell and had placed himself in the corridor sitting watching the wall with a vacant gaze. It’s a little disturbing to say the least. The other boys don’t even flinch though and Josh wants to laugh at how utterly _normal_ this is for them. They don’t even acknowledge the fact that Louis is there.

Niall is still bouncing around clutching Harry’s arm while waiting for Paul to give him the news that his brother is here. It’s an amusing scene, and Zayn must agree because he’s sat on the sofa in the den watching the boy twirl around with a look that asks “ _the fuck are you doing_ ” written across his face.

Liam’s gone with Jon into the study room to start his lessons for the day so Josh doesn’t expect to him for at least three hours now. Jon has apparently been trying to get Liam to be more enthusiastic about his studies, but to no avail. The solemn boy seems to believe he’s destined to fail.

Around half an hour later Josh hears Paul’s phone buzz in his pocket and the older man pulls it from its resting placing and answering it.

“ _Hello, Paul speaking. Yes. Is he? Right, I’ll get Josh to bring him down. What room is it? 204? Alright, thanks. I will, bye_ ” he shoves his phone back in his pocket and turns to Josh with a rare smile. “ _Niall’s brothers here_ ”

-X-

Josh doesn’t think he’s ever seen Niall quite so ecstatic. He’s practically bouncing off the walls as Josh walks him down to the visitors building.

“ _He doesn’t get to come often_ ” Niall tells him cheerily. “ _His wife, Denise, is heavily pregnant and I’m going to be an uncle!_ ”

Josh finds himself laughing as Niall continues to chatter away merrily telling him all about Greg and Denise and the house that they have in Ireland. He’s never seen the blonde so animated while away from Harry. But it’s certainly a nice change, and he’s not about to complain. The only problem now is that he’s not sure how to get him to stop.

The visiting rooms are separate from the main building, but there still as heavily guarded. There are individual rooms within the building to hold the meetings in so each visit from family or friends feels more private and are easier to manage. Niall’s visit is apparently going to held in room 204 according to the slip Paul had given him before he had left.

“ _Hurry up Josh!_ ” Niall shouts from ahead. “ _We’re going to be late_ ”

Josh really wants to point out that they’re really not going to be late because Niall’s brother is already there and so there's nothing to be late too. But he laughs instead watching Niall huff and place his hands on his hips tapping his foot.

Cute, he thinks to himself.

“ _Slow down_ ” he tells the boy. “ _You won't be able to even get in without me anyway_ ” and it’s true.

The guards are on the door of the building and inside stationed at the door of each room to make sure that the patients stay on their best behaviour. They check Josh’s staff card before he enters and write him in the visitors book as well as scanning his card to log that he’s been there. The security is necessary but also at times overwhelming.

Once inside Josh asks for directions to room and they set off again. He can already tell Niall’s been there before. He darts off ahead and follows the corridors as they twist and turn. People greet him as they go and call out to the blonde, but Niall just stops dead and stares at them nervously before scampering away. So Josh takes it upon himself to smile at them instead and mouth an apology.

Eventually they find the room they’re looking for and Josh spots a young hazel haired man sitting down on one of the double sofas facing away from them. There's a bag at the side of him and even through the glass he can see him bouncing his knee up and down nervously.

It appears Niall doesn’t carry the same worry though and as soon as he spots the man through the glass he pushes the door open ignoring the guards and rushes in.

“ _Greg!_ ” he cries barrelling into his brother and curling his arms around him as Greg catches him lifting him into his arms with ease.

Josh can't help but smile as he sees the anxiety flush away from the older man as he hugs his little brother back inhaling his scent and sighing.

“ _Hey Ni_ ” he says softly, voice thick with emotion showing off his accent. “ _How have you been? No Harry today?_ ” he asks placing him down again but keeping his hands on his shoulders holding him at arm’s length to get a better look at him.

Niall grins back and shakes his head enthusiastically.

“ _I’m great! Harry decided to stay behind, he said he wasn’t feeling up to it_ ” he tells him looking thoughtful for a moment.

Greg just smiles in response and then his eyes catch Josh still standing there admiring the family moment unfolding.

“ _You must be Josh right? I was told there was a new member of staff on the ward_ ”

“ _Ah, yeah that’s me, pleased to meet you. I’m now working on Niall’s ward_ ” he explains offering his hand to shake.

Greg takes it nodding.

“ _Pleased to meet you too. I’m Greg, Niall’s brother; I hope he’s been behaving himself_ ”

“Aha, no he’s brilliant. They all are” he replies sincerely.

“ _Good to hear_ ” Greg says softly giving Niall a quick glance.

“ _Well I’ll leave you to it_ ” Josh says and takes a step back towards the door. “ _I’ll be back to pick you up later Niall, okay? Have fun_ ” he calls but Niall’s already deep in conversation with his brother.

The scene makes him smile, and for a moment it’s hard to close the door on them. These are the moments that make all the tantrums and difficult moments worth it. Just seeing Niall so happy and actually excited about something; it’s so rewarding.

He makes his way back to the Ward walking through the gardens and up to the main building watching as it looms over him like an impending doom and he prays that none of the boys have kicked off and landed themselves in Quarantine, Harry especially. The curly haired boy is a lot wilder without Niall around to mellow him out slightly. It’s almost as though they’re somehow telepathically linked. Niall taps into Harry’s confidence when they’re together and Harry takes some of Niall’s calm attitude.

They just balance each other out.

Luckily when he returns however no one’s been taken away in a body bag.

In fact Louis still where he was when they came back from breakfast, staring at the wall in front of him likes it’s the most fascinating thing in all existence. He feels like he should go over to him and make sure he’s alright. But Paul’s already warned him against doing so, telling him that’s its best not to. Apparently Louis had tried to choke the last person who had disturbed his last wall watching session.

So instead he moves into the den where he knows he’ll find either Harry or Zayn since Liam’s still having his study session. As he expected Harry’s there glaring at an astronomy book heatedly.

He almost rolls his eyes, but then thinks better of it reminding himself that Harry is a sneaky little fucker and might catch him doing so.

Instead he takes a seat at the end of the sofa giving Harry his space remembering that only Niall is allowed to invade his personal bubble.

“ _Where’s Zayn?_ ” he asks trying to start some sort of conversation.

His response comes in the form of a frosty gaze over the top of the book which he tries to melt with a smile. Harry doesn’t find it amusing to say the least and raises an eyebrow as if to say “ _the fuck are you doing_ ” and looks back to his book.

“ _Paul took him to therapy_ ” he replies monotone.

“ _He left you here alone?_ ” Josh asks aghast.

Harry sighs irritably and flings his book down into his lap looking exasperatedly at him.

“ _I’m mentally ill, not four years old. I am in some way capable of coping for an hour alone. How the fuck do you think we cope at night?_ ” he asks sarcasm dripping from each syllable that leaves his mouth.

To be honest Josh knows he could easily argue the toss over this. Because at night the boys are unconscious when they sleep and so they don’t have to cope with anything but breathing and that comes naturally, unless they try to choke themselves. But if they try that then the cameras which are placed in each room to monitor them 24/7 will pick it up and alert someone. Plus they all act like four year olds anyway most of the time.

But he doesn’t say any of that. Because Josh rather likes living and he doesn’t fancy being killed by an aggressively minded 19 year old any time soon. 

“ _I’m just surprised that Paul left you alone given the current situation is all_ ” he instead says watching as Harry frowns into his book.

“ _The fuck is that meant to mean?_ ” he asks without looking up.

“ _Well Niall’s not here is he?_ ” Josh explains as Harry flicks his eyes over in his direction.

“ _What’s Niall got to do with this?_ ” he hisses lowly eyes flaring brightly.

Josh quickly holds his hands up in surrender trying to placate the boy, because holy hell he didn’t mean to step onto that landmine!

“ _Nothing! I just thought you were sulking because you missed him_ ” He cries eyes wide inching back a little as he takes note of Harry clenched hands.

Harry turns away again picking his book up and Josh hopes he’s lost interest in beating him to a pulp.

“ _Who says I'm sulking?_ ” he mutters childishly flipping a page over.

Josh relaxes and goes back to admiring how quickly Harry’s mood changes when Niall’s brought into the equation.

“ _Well you’re in here on your own with a face like thunder. I think you could be considered to be sulking considering that when Niall’s here you’re like a content kitten_ ” Josh answers playfully.

His teasing reply does not have the desired effect. Instead of being amused Harry scowls darkly and shoots him a look that Josh takes as his queue to shut his mouth or die painfully. But then it softens into a look that looks almost like he’s _hurt_. He places his book down and draws his knees up to his chest and looks anywhere but at Josh.

He stays like that for a while and Josh wonders if he should sorry. Anything to get him to stop looking so… _Vulnerable_.

“ _It’s just, Niall, he looked so **excited**. He always does when **he** comes…_ ” Harry finally murmurs still looking away.

It takes Josh a moment to figure it out, but when he does it all falls into place; and he smiles at the realisation.

“ _So you’re jealous?_ ” he asks trying to tread carefully.

The last thing he needs is Harry blowing up on him over this. He’d rather not have to explain to Paul that Harry had gone on a made rampage because he’d tried to play therapist with the curly haired boy.

Harry’s head whips up suddenly knocking Josh from his daydream about trying to explain to Paul that he had been born with the stupid gene.

“ _What?_ ” Harry says sounding surprised, but luckily not angry.

Josh simply smiles trying to not look like he's trying to offend him, he doesn’t doubt that Harry make take this the wrong way.

“ _Well you don’t like Greg right? That’s what I’m guessing from what you said anyway_ ” he articulates thinking it through again.

It makes sense, from the way Harry’s acting.

Harry frowns again, but he's does look like he’s actually thinking about it.

“ _I just don’t like how Niall acts whenever he’s brought up. What’s so cool about him anyway? I’ve met him before; he’s not anything special…_ ” Harry mumbles.

“ _See. You are jealous. You don’t like how happy he makes Niall. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s completely normal behaviour for saying how close you are to Niall_ ” Josh tells him when he sees the accusing look Harry sends his way. “ _But you have to look at it from Niall’s side. He doesn’t get to see Greg hardly, and he probably misses him. Sometimes Greg can't even make it over to see him. But he sees you every day. So he doesn’t have time to miss you. But I bet if he didn’t get to see you he’d miss you just as much, if not more than he does Greg_ ”

Harry now looks amazed as he takes in what Josh has just said. He blinks and looks confused almost as though he’s just realised something himself. But after a moment that nasty scowl turns into a content smile.

“ _So, you’re saying that it’s okay to be jealous right?_ ” he asks.

“ _Yeah, it’s okay, more than okay. Just try and think about it from Niall’s point of view is what I’m saying_ ”

Harry smiles wider and picks his book up again and continues reading as though nothings even happened.

“ _I guess it’s good that it’s Greg that Niall doesn’t get to see often_ ” he then says smugly.

“ _Why’s that?_ ” Josh asks confused at the sudden change in attitude again.

“ _Well I don’t think the staff would appreciate the clean-up they would have to do if I only got to see him once a month_ ” Harry says smirking.

It takes Josh a moment to figure out what Harry means, but when he does he abruptly flushes red.

-X-

Harry decides to come with him when he goes to collect Niall several hours later. He states that he’s not seen Greg for a while and that it might be nice to have a small catch up. Josh doesn’t see why it should be problem, but clears it with Paul first anyway, who also doesn’t see why not. He does however warn Harry to be on his best behaviour.

Niall is still with Greg in room 204 when they arrive deep in conversation with a bright smile on his face. Josh really doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but he knows he doesn’t have much choice, and so with regret already building in his chest he knocks on the door and pushes it open.

Niall immediately spins to look at him with wide eyes.

“ _It can't be time already?!_ ” he cries tears welling in his eyes as he frantically looks at Greg like he holds all the answers.

Greg smiles sympathetically at his little brother.

“ _It’s alright Niall. I’ll be back again next month, time will fly by you’ll see_ ” he says soothingly.

“ _But that’s ages away!_ ” Niall argues frantically waving his arms about in desperate gestures.

Harry then steps out from behind Josh and moves forward catching Niall’s eye. The blonde looks confused at Harry’s sudden appearance and frowns.

“ _Harry?” he says. “What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t want to come today?_ ” he asks.

The curly haired boy shrugs like it explains everything and draws Niall close.

“ _Don’t worry. Greg will be back soon. Anyway, you’ve got me, why are you concerned. We’ll make the time go fast and soon he’ll be here again; besides I’ve got some stuff I need to tell you about_ ”

“ _What is it?_ ” Niall asks temporally forgetting all about Greg and looking alarmed. “ _Did something bad happen?_ ”

Harry shakes his head grinning; most likely happy that Niall’s no longer so focused on his brother.

“ _Nope. I just figured something important out, with a little help I guess_ ”

Niall frowns looking torn between wanting his brother to stay, and wanting to talk to Harry. It seems Niall hasn’t got a choice; Harry as always makes the decision for him tugging his small wrist.

“ _C’mon_ ” he says firmly.

Niall nods but holds back looking to Greg with sad eyes. His brother walks to him smiling gently placing his hands on Niall’s shoulders.

“ _Don’t look like that_ ” he says. “ _Honestly Niall the time will fly. Plus you’re an uncle now and uncles don’t cry, they’ve got to be strong for their nephews_ ”

Josh blinks. So Greg’s wife has had the baby then? Niall was an uncle now. Its hits him like a ton of bricks. Niall’s probably never going to see the baby in person. Children below a certain age weren’t allowed into the hospital, visiting or not. Niall wouldn’t get to experience the child’s first words or first steps. He’d miss so much…

Harry seems to catch onto his thoughts too and he casts a sad look to Niall’s deflated form as Greg does his best to cheer Niall up.

“ _Niall_ ” Harry says again, this time more gently, but still holding that firmness.

Niall rubs his eyes with the heel of his hand and nods reaching forward to hug Greg again, clutching to him for dear life.

“ _I’ll, I’ll see you soon_ ” he stutters pulling back.

“ _Of course you will, I’ll bring more photos next time okay?_ ” Greg promises and takes a step back.

Niall nods and Josh opens the door for Harry and Niall stepping through and then closing it again, effectively ending the visit.

Harry doesn’t let Niall look back.

-X-

“ _But I don’t like that one!_ ”

“ _Too bloody bad! That’s the one we’re watching!_ ”

“ _No! I don’t want to watch it Louis. Choose another one!_ ”

“ _Ooooooo, is the great and powerful Malik scared. Tough luck rich boy, we’re watching it!_ ”

“ _Fuck you Louis!_ ”

“ _Boys!_ ”

This had been going on for ten minutes now.

The lads had decided on a movie night as a way of calming down that Friday night. However as normal nothing was that simple on Ward 37. They hadn’t even got the TV on yet and they were arguing.

Louis didn’t want to watch this, and Zayn didn’t want to watch that. Harry, and by default Niall, didn’t like weston movies and Liam didn’t like chick flicks. None of them were in the mood for any documentaries or “that science fiction bullshit” as Louis had put it. So that meant they were left with either comedy or horror from the current selection.

Louis wanted horror and Zayn wanted comedy; the rest didn’t give a shit.

Now Louis a stubborn fucker anyway, so Josh wasn’t surprised when he’s started to argue his case. What had surprised Josh was the way Zayn was suddenly standing up for himself. It isn’t like Zayn to really speak up about anything. So the fact that he’s having a verbal argument with Louis over the choice of film is surprising to say the least.

However Paul’s clearly had enough and Sandy and Dan are beginning to look strained.

“ _Will you two just make a decision before I make it for you_ ” Paul warns from the sofa looking marginally pissed and Josh can’t help but wonder if this is a regular thing.

“ _I’m trying!_ ” Louis whines as he leans down to place the horror DVD into the player, only to be stopped by Zayn who pushes it back out.

“ _No. We’re not watching that!_ ” Zayn argues trying to shove Louis away.

Louis glares at him and pushes him back.

“ _Piss off you fat freak!_ ” Louis shouts back.

The air in the room stills suddenly and nobody moves. Even Niall who had been chatting away to Harry goes silent.

Paul slides up from where he’s sitting but he’s too late.

Zayn, who seems to have pulled himself out of whatever trance he was in, reals back his fist and sends it flying into a smug looking Louis’s face.

Louis goes stumbling back, hand shooting to his cheek and cradling it hissing.

“ _You fucker!_ ” he shouts and glares at Paul. “ _Did you see what that freak did? He hit me! He fucking hit me! You better not send **me** to Quarantine! He needs locking up! Send him away! Get him locked up!_ ” Louis shrieks.

Josh doesn’t know what does it, maybe it’s the words that Louis uses, and maybe it’s just Louis. But whatever it is Zayn flips. He suddenly rushes forward shouting and screaming at the boy. If it wasn’t for Sandy and Dan Josh doesn’t know what might have happened, but it’s possible that Louis may have got what was coming to him.

“ _Zayn. Zayn!_ ” Sandy says as Paul grabs Louis hurling him up elsewhere to stop him provoking Zayn. “ _Come on buddy, calm down_ ”

But Zayn doesn’t, he screams and cries and lashes out at both Sandy and Dan as they try to restrain him.

In the end they have to sedate him.

Niall starts shaking and crying and Liam curls himself up small as though he’s trying to disappear. Even Harry gets affected as he moves protectively in front of Niall eyes narrowing and glaring at anything that so much as looks like it’s moving in their direction.

But Zayn keeps screaming right up until the sedative finally knocks him out properly. He thrashes and kicks and at one point tries to bite Sandy when he grabs him arms to keep them down. They move him down to Quarantine for the night and the rest of the boys are sent to bed movie night forgotten.

-X-

The next morning is just as manic as Paul leaves to go and sort Zayn out. He’s meant to leaving Quarantine and joining the rest of the boys for breakfast. He apparently hadn’t moved all night and had just sat on the bed staring at the door; so they had no reason to keep him confined anymore. Josh wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not.

Zayn’s episode seemed to have had an effect on the rest of the boys though and none of them have said much as they got ready for the day. Liam was even more solemn than usual, and Harry and Niall haven’t said a word to anyone since he’s arrived. Niall hadn’t even given him his customary good morning.

“ _I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s just Zayn hardly ever freaks out like that. They’re just not used it is all. If it had been Louis then they’d be fine_ ” Paul had told him when he had questioned the other boy’s odd behaviour.

He could only just go along with it for now, silently hoping that once Zayn joined them at the table that they would fall back to their typical selves.

Louis hasn’t changed. He still comes into the den to wait to leave as he always does will his cocky grin and wide snide smile. It’s a far cry from the other day when he had been playing video games with them. Josh wishes Louis could just for the morning act the way he did then. It would make this much easier for everyone. But easy isn’t Louis’s style. Paul’s already mentioned keeping Zayn and Louis apart and Josh can't help but think that might be a good idea.

They make their way down regardless and queue up waiting to be served. Niall is whispering to Harry, most likely asking what he should have, or what Harry is having. Josh wonders if they could get Louis his own Niall, someone who could just chill him the hell out a little…

His thoughts are interrupted when Paul appears with an ill looking Zayn dawdling behind him.

“ _Ah, there you are_ ” Paul says wandering over to them and joining them in the queue.

“ _Is he okay?_ ” Josh can’t help but ask as he sees Zayn follow Paul over swaying ever so slightly as he does.

Paul sighs crossing his arms over his broad chest.

“ _That’s what I said_ ” he starts glancing back at Zayn worriedly. “ _But Cara down in the unit seemed to think he's just tired, she recommended that I bring him down to get something to eat and send him back in if he doesn’t improve_ ” he explains trailing off to watch Zayn cautiously.

Louis, who had been stood by Sandy’s side watching the conversation intently, showing way more interest than he usually did, decides to chip in with a smirk.

“ _Probably ate too much again_ ” he says snidely, clearly unable to help himself.

Paul whirls round on Louis, about to shout at him, when Niall screams startling everyone in the cafeteria.

Josh turns to the blonde about to ask what’s wrong when he sees him pointing to the side where Paul is.

He spins back around and to his horror; there on the floor out cold, is Zayn. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was fun.. Please let me know what you think! :D Does anyone know where this is going?


	4. Reality

 

**Reality: the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.**

Zayn’s relapsed according to the nurses in the hospital wing.

His body had already been stressed by the lack of food Zayn was already supplying it and his tantrum with Louis the other night had only made it worse. So the two combined had led to his collapse, something that was being taken _very_ seriously. He was now stuck in a bed unconscious being drip fed nutrients that his body so desperately needed. The staff had decided that they weren’t discharging him until they were sure that he was back to 100% health. They were worried it would only make things worse to discharge him early something that Josh shared their concern for.

Naturally Zayn’s condition had taken its toll on the other boys in the ward. They had been silent ever since leaving the food hall and hadn’t spoken at all for the rest of the day. Niall and Harry had taken to creating a fort made of bed sheets and pillows in the den area and didn’t leave its confines all day, except for food. But when Josh had gone to check on them he had found Niall simply sleeping in Harry’s arms while the curly haired boy watched over him brushing back his hair in an almost motherly gesture.

Louis hadn’t seemed all that concerned and from what Josh could make out he and Zayn seemed to have an almost mutual understanding that they didn’t get in each other’s way and everything would be fine between them. So the copper haired boy had sat alone for the day alternating between wall watching and shredding strips of paper apart. Somehow, completely unbeknown to Josh, he could even make tearing paper to pieces seem morbid.

However it was Liam who surprised Josh the most.

He had isolated himself within his room and refused to come out ever since. In the end after a couple of hours of trying to coax him out Jon had gone in and was currently keeping him company to ensure he didn’t try anything drastic. Paul was majorly concerned for his mental state considering Liam and Zayn were fairly close and it was obvious that Zayn’s relapse had had an undesired effect on him; and the sudden withdrawn behaviour wasn’t helping matters. There was a strong worry that Liam’s suicidal nature may have been triggered and it was something that needed to be monitored.

It was hoped that the upcoming visit from Liam’s parents might cheer the boy up somewhat.

Liam’s mother had called a couple of weeks ago and spoken to Paul about arranging a visit to see Liam. She was due to be coming tomorrow and although Jon was currently trying to remind Liam about it, Liam didn’t seem to really care and his dark thoughts continued to consume him.

“ _Perhaps when he actually **sees** his parents he might feel better. There’s nothing better than seeing people from beyond these four walls when you’re trapped in here_ ” Sandy tells him as Josh and him make their way down the hall towards the offices with the boys personal files in arms.

Paul had told him that morning that they were being audited by the Mental Health Authority and so all of the boys files had to be checked by them. This meant everything from Lou’s therapy files to the reports from Quarantine had to be rounded up and sent off to be checked through by them. Apparently they check the progress of each individual patient and the number of incidents that they have had. In the end if they feel that the hospital isn’t able to cope with the patient they can have them removed and placed elsewhere and even shut the place down if they feel they aren’t providing suitable care in general. It’s quite a scary amount of power, but hopefully all going well their Ward will pass with flying colours; well that’s if they treat Louis’s file separate to the other boys…

“ _Yeah, I hope so_ ” Josh says back to Sandy sighing sadly. “ _I just wish there was something we could do to help_ ” he adds.

Sandy grins and then jumps out in front of him spinning round to face him walking backwards.

“ _Maybe there is_ ” he says grinning slyly.

Josh pauses, making Sandy come to a halt in the hallway.

“ _What do you mean?_ ” he asks trying not to sound to suspicious.

“ _I have an idea_ ” his co-worker announces proudly. “ _Come on, the quicker we deliver this the quicker we can set up my plan_ ”

Sandy drags him all the way to the office and then back to the ward.

As soon as they get back Josh spots Harry and Niall lying on the floor scribbling in a notebook sitting between them. The two of them glance up and as soon as they realise it’s them they look back down again clearly not caring that they’re here. Dan’s sat on the sofa in front of them reading a book looking fairly content; when he sees them he smiles to them and waves them over.

“ _Extra work from Jon then boys?_ ” Sandy asks grinning as Harry gives him the middle finger in response.

“ _How come you don’t have separate books?_ ” Josh asks at he notes them awkwardly sharing the same notebook which from the looks of it they’re writing down their answers in.

“ _They prefer to share_ ” Dan says from the sofa as he watches the two boys playfully knocking into each other laughing.

“ _Well I’ll bet you’re pretty bored with that right?_ ” Sandy asks with a well-placed smirk playing on his lips.

Harry pauses in his on-slaught of tickling Niall to tears and glances up suspiciously at him. He’s got that guarded look back that clearly says that he think Sandy’s up to something, which never boads well as Josh is learning. Niall however doesn’t seem to hold the same judgment and after freeing himself from Harry he all too eagerly jumps all grinning.

“ _Yeah! It’s way too easy, we already know all this_ ” he cries pointing at the exercise book Jon had given them to do.

“ _Well how about we go for a wander into the world beyond?_ ” Sandy asks grinning as Niall lights up practically glowing at the idea.

“ _Yeah!_ ” he yells jumping up and taking Harry with him. “ _Can we?_ ”

Josh throws a look of horror at Sandy and can’t believe what he’s just suggested. Surely they can’t just take them out? Isn’t there procedures and checks and such? Are Niall and Harry even mentally stable enough for that? Why are they even going outside to start with?

“ _Are you allowed to do that?_ ” he can’t help but ask.

But Sandy grins, not looking fazed as Niall babbles away to Harry about the upcoming trip.

“ _Of course! Got to get it cleared with Paul though_ ” he explains. “ _I’ll go call him now_ ”

Sandy rushes out into the hall, phone in hand, already tapping in Paul’s number. He just manages catches the tail end of Sandy starting up the conversation as he goes and sighs.

He spins round to Dan watching his eyes dance in amusement.

“ _So they’re allowed to go out then?_ ” he stares at Dan aghast, he really is finding this hard to believe. “ _Even Louis?_ ” because there’s a scary thought.

Dan only laughs, like he was expecting him to be this confused, and Josh really doesn’t appreciate it.

“ _You make it sound like we just open the door and let them go_ ” he says through muffled laughter. “ _Obviously there are rules and strict codes we have to follow. We can’t take them into big shopping centres or anywhere crowded, just in case they get panicked. We also can’t take them beyond a certain area limit. We can only take a maximum of three at a time and there had to be a minimum of two members of staff to supervise them_ ” Dan explains watching as it all sinks in for Josh.

“ _But even Loui-_ ” Josh goes to say.

“ _Louis isn’t allowed to go_ ” Dan injects. “ _Can you even imagine the chaos? He’s likely kill everyone who dares to look his way_ ”

Josh laughs trying to imagine it. The image of an angry cartoon version of Louis carrying a knife chasing a group of wannabe gangster runs through his mind.

“ _Yeah, it would certainly be interesting…_ ” he replies still smiling.

“ _So why does Sandy want to take these two love birds out anyway?_ ” Dan muses smiling when he catches Harry glaring up at him from the carpet.

“ _No idea. We were talking about cheering Liam up and he suddenly got all excited and rushed us back here and well, you saw the rest_ ”

“ _Sounds like he’s got something planned…_ ”

Sandy comes rushing back in out of nowhere grinning like a fool.

“ _Paul says it’s alright since Niall and Harry have been good recently_ ” Sandy tells them excitedly. “ _Says you’ve got to come too Dan!_ ”

Dan rolls his eyes but then settles for smiling as he stretches out his arms.

“ _Alright; come on then kids_ ” he says gathering Harry and Niall together. “ _We’re going on a road trip_ ”

“ _Yes!_ ” Niall cries hugging Harry and jumping about while Harry stands watching with a fond look.

“ _Who’s watching Louis and Liam?_ ” Josh asks.

“ _Louis with Paul_ ” Harry says wrapping his arms around Niall from behind to keep him still and lazily rests his head on the smaller boys shoulder. 

“ _And Jon’s with Li!_ ” Niall finishes with way to much enthusiasm.

“ _Sorted then! Let’s go!_ ” Sandy cheers fist pumping the air.

-X-

Sandy thankfully caved while they were in the car and explained his wonderful idea to the rest of them.

“ _So Liam really loves Batman. Like he’s obsessed right? So I was thinking why don’t we buy him the box set and gather up all his favourite snacks and make a night of it?_ ” he says grinning wildly like he’s just come up with the solution for world peace.

Dan nods slowly and looks thoughtful.

“ _Well yeah. He goes on about it all the time when he does have proper conversation with you. I reckon we can get his favourite snacks too. Between the five of us we should be able to do a pretty amazing job_ ” he tells them smiling from behind the wheel.

“ _Yeah! I know all Liam’s favourites!_ ” Niall says grinning from next to Harry on the back seat.

“ _Good!_ ” Sandy tells him nodding. “ _We’re gonna make this special. No way Liam’s going to be sad once we’re done right?_ ” he says watching as Niall cheers again and even Harry cracks a small smile.

Dan drives them into a small town. It’s not too crowed and for saying its midday there aren’t many people walking around. It’s perfect for them really, although they still have to keep a close watch on Niall and Harry all the same. The boys don’t appear bothered though and they lace their fingers together on pure instinct sticking close to Dan and Sandy as told. 

They head down the main street and turn into a few convenience stores picking up various snacks and treats for the evening. Niall appears to enjoy this part the most and dumps in almost everything he sees acting as though he has no idea that they actually have to _pay_ for it.

“ _Niall, please kindly stop chucking in everything you lay you’re eyes on. We do have to pay for all this you know. Paul isn’t going to be pleased if he receives an over budget bill_ ” Dan tells him sighing as Niall throws in yet another 36 pack of crisps without a care in the world.

To make matters worse Harry only encourages him to do so. The curly haired boy is more interested in the fruit selection and has thrown in four bunches of bananas despite this shopping trip not being for him. He’s also staring at the grapes Niall by his side picking out strawberries.

“ _Ah, leave them to it. They rarely get to come out as it is_ ” Sandy says while watching Niall pick up various items and showing Harry.

Josh smiles at the pair softly. It’s just nice to watch them seem impressed and _happy_ just from being outside. It’s like they’re trying to desperately make the most of it. Josh can remember being their age and not wanting to leave the confines of his room. But these boys, they’d probably do anything just a chance to step outside the boundaries of the hospital just to see sites like the inside of the convenience store. It makes him realise how much he takes his own life for granted.

“ _Hey you two done browsing now?_ ” Sandy calls cutting through his thoughts.

Niall and Harry turn with matching smiles, Niall’s arms are full of more things and God knows where he’s picked most of it up from. He looks ridiculously pleased with himself though and none of them can find it within themselves to be cross about it.

“ _Yeah!_ ” Niall says running over dragging Harry behind him and placing it all in Dan’s basket.

“ _So just got to pick up the movies now_ ” Josh says. “ _Batman right?_ ”

“ _That’s right_ ” Sandy replies as they go to pay.

The woman on the checkout makes a show of staring at Harry and Niall’s intertwined hands and pulls a face at them. This doesn’t go down well with Harry who glares at her and look as though he’s going to say something. Sandy catches on quick and pulls them away with Josh moving quickly outside before Harry can say anything that could land them in trouble. However this leaves Dan to pay and collect there mountain of bags, which doesn’t exactly go down well with him.

Once he comes out he makes a scene of throwing the bags at them and making them help  out.

“ _Paul is going to murder us in cold blood!_ ” he shouts flinging another bag at Sandy, whose laughing. “ _Oh yeah you’re laughing now. But just wait till you have to explain why we’ve spent over £300 on so called ‘snacks’ to him. Then we’ll see if you still find this funny_ ”

Sandy chokes suddenly and looks at Dan in panic.

“ _£300!!_ ” he cries.

“ _Yeah! It’s not bloody funny is it?!_ ” Dan replies.

“ _Why the hell did you pay for it then?!_ ” Sandy cries back.

“ _Well I couldn’t bloody well ask her to take it all back could I?!_ ” Dan returns.

By this point Josh, Harry and Niall are all doubled over laughing in the middle of the street, unable to hold back their laughter at the other two. They look like an old married couples squabbling. The images that come to Josh’s mind are just too funny and Harry and Niall clearly agree.

In the end both Sandy and Dan agree to tell him together and they fortunately move on.

It’s Niall who stumbles across a game shop that happens to also sell a wide range of movies near the back of the shop. He’s quick to drag a reluctant Harry in and the pair darts to the back of the store browsing through the huge range of titles. Niall picks out several comedy titles that are nothing to do with Batman and don’t even fall into the Marvel category. Harry picks out Love Actually and smile fondly like the mere sight of the DVD had triggered a happy memory.  

“ _Guys, focus. We need Batman remember?_ ” Sandy tells them and with heavy hearts the two put the DVD’s back where they belong.

“ _Yeah, but what if Liam wants to watch something funny?_ ” Niall asks innocently with a shy smile that clearly says he wants to buy something.

Dan huffs and rubs the bridge of his nose. He knows what’s coming and he knows Sandy is going to cave in.

“ _Yeah well…_ ” Sandy starts.

“ _Please?_ ” Niall’s presses smiling sweetly.

“ _God dammit Niall…_ ” Sandy mutters. “ _Fine; one movie each, and that’s it okay?_ ” he says waving his finger about like that will make the message sink in.

“ _Yes!_ ” Niall cheers gathering the attention of the whole shop which makes him dart nervously behind Harry.

Harry glowers at everyone and turns to face Niall pressing Love Actually into his hands.

“ _Do you remember?_ ” he asks and Niall smiles sweetly nodding.

“ _Yeah… We watched this at you’re house and you said it was your favourite movie…_ ” Niall says softly and Josh can only just hear the private conversation.

Harry looks pleased that Niall can remember and he nods.

“ _I’m getting this one. Which one do you want to get?_ ” he asks.

Niall then goes still and looks panicked for moment as he glances down at his own selection eyes falling over each one.

“ _Urm… I, I…_ ” he stutters biting his lip slightly flicking his eyes over the titles.

Josh frowns. Niall hadn’t seemed to have this problem earlier when they had been picking out food. He’d been quite happy choosing out food and chucking it in. So what had changed? Was it the fact that Harry had directly asked him what he wanted? Had that triggered it?

Niall ends up leaving with a copy of Stepbrothers. It turns out that Niall really liked the film back before both Harry and he had been admitted to the hospital, well according to Harry anyway.

Dan glances down to his phone and checks the time again as Niall and Harry peer at the display windows to his left.

“ _We should probably think about going_ ” he says smiling as watches Harry and Niall share a pick-a-mix sweet bag they has chosen together earlier. “ _Paul will no doubt start calling us soon_ ”

“ _Alright then. C’mon guys, we gotta go!_ ” Sandy yells over to the boys.

“ _Aw…_ ” Niall whines scuffing his shoes into the ground. _“Can’t we stay a little longer?_ ” he asks frowning. “ _We haven’t tried Nando’s yet_ ”

Josh laughs. He finds it funny that that’s all Niall seems to be worried about right now. If that was all people ever had to worry about then the world would surely be a better place. Perhaps Niall could run for election if he ever got out of the hospital…

He hears Dan laugh the side of him.

“ _Another time maybe_ ” he promises. “ _Anyway, don’t you want to get back to set up Liam’s surprise?_ ”

Niall nods furiously and tugs on Harry’s hand as they run off up the road. Sandy sighs and shakes his head.

“ _Niall! Wrong way!_ ” he calls.

-X-

They’re about five minutes away from the hospital when Paul calls them. Dan laughs when he sees the number flash up with Paul’s personal nickname, _Irish Mobster_ , from Sandy labelled beneath.

“ _Bloody hell knew he’d call_ ” Dan says. “ _Hang on a sec_ ” he tells them taking the call. “ _Yo Paul… Yeah we’re nearly here, give us two minutes yeah? …Wait what’s going on, is something wrong? …Okay see you soon then?_ ” he ends the call looking confused and shares a look with Sandy. “ _Something’s up_ ” he says softly stealing a glance at Harry and Niall curled up asleep next to each other limbs intertwined.

“ _It’s probably Louis again… No doubt he’s had another fit and Paul’s had to deal with it_ ” Sandy sighs shaking his head.

Dan nods as he turns the car into the driveway and down towards the first set of security.

“ _It’s going to be a lovely welcome back eh?_ ” Sandy then says handing over his ID to the guy on the gate.

“ _Don’t_ ” Dan replies rolling the car down past the next set of guards. “ _I was hoping he was having a good week you know. But then with all the trouble with Zayn I’m beginning to wonder…_ ”

Sandy laughs again and gets out the car once they’ve pulled up Dan following suit. Sandy then turns to Josh with a smile.

“ _Would you mind getting Harry and Niall together?_ ” he asks nodding his head towards the building. “ _Me and Dan will sort everything out at reception and get us signed back in_ ” he tells him grabbing the rest of the bags in the boot and heading off up the steps.

“ _Sure_ ” Josh replies getting out from the back seat and walking round to Harry’s side.

He opens the door and gently leans to shake Harry’s shoulder trying not to startle him. Despite his gentleness Harry still violently jolts awake and his fist flies up at him, eyes narrowed with a mean look etched into them. He jumps back away from the car hands help up in mercy. For a moment Harry stays still and then slowly he appears to realise who Josh is and he lowers his fist back down. Deeming Josh not to be a danger he turns to look for Niall and checks him over, checking for what Josh doesn’t know. But he doesn’t find whatever it is he’s looking for and from the faint smile on his face Josh guesses this to be a good thing. Harry turns to look back at him and then yawns untangling himself slowly from Niall, as to not wake him and gets out of the car.

He doesn’t know what happens next but somewhere in the process of Harry dropping his foot to the ground and pushing himself out he slips, and falls. The boy drops into an ungracious heap on the floor and lies there for a second unmoving and Josh has a moment of panic as to whether he’s alive or not. A second later however he gathers himself up and looks up at him with a frown like he can’t really grasp what’s just happened.

Josh wants to laugh, he really does. But at the thought of knowing that Harry will probably, no scratch that, will _definitely_ kill him in cold blood he resists the urge and bites his lips instead. The smile that’s spreading onto his lips however cannot be stopped.

It’s just his luck that Harry spots it though.

“ _Don’t you dare tell Niall_ ” he murmurs darkly after pulling himself back up again and dusting his clothes down as best he can.

Josh blinks for minute and takes a moment to wonder _why_ Harry cares about Niall out of everyone knowing. It then hits him and he remembers that Harry only cares for Niall’s opinion anyway.

“ _Course I won’t_ ” he tells him in return and smiles softly.

Harry only nods and goes back to Niall leaning into the car and unbuckling the blondes seatbelt. He then pushes his hands under Niall’s knees and with the upmost care he care pulls him over to the edge of the car before lifting him out and carry him bridal style over to the reception area.

“ _Are you sure he won’t mind that?_ ” Josh asks locking the car and following Harry up the steps.

Harry turns to give him an odd look as if it’s stupid to ask.

“ _Why would he?_ ” he says giving him another deep set frown.

“ _No reason_ ” Josh replies and looks away because God that boy has such an intense facial expressions sometimes it’s ridiculous.

But Niall still hasn’t woken up and looks rather comfy in Harry’s arms with his head leant against Harry’s chest and arms resting on his own stomach all curled up. It’s an endearing sight to say the least.

They catch up to Sandy and Dan who smirk when they see Harry carrying Niall and makes faces to the curly haired boy, who doesn’t find it amusing and flips then off as best he can with Niall in his arms. It doesn’t take long for them to make it back to the Ward since Dan and Sandy had called ahead to ask them to let Paul know they were coming and security seems less tight now that they’ve been signed back in.

However before they even open the door to the ward they can hear screaming from within. The three staff exchange worried looks and Dan hurriedly swipes his ID card against the lock on the door to let them in. He all but yanks the door off its hinges and holds it open to let the rest of them in.

Once in they set about trying to find out what’s going on and by now Niall’s stirring in Harry’s arms slowly coming round from his nap in the car. He rubs his eyes and looks up at Harry in confusion as Harry smiles down at him.

“ _Morning sleepy head_ ” Harry whispers affectionately kissing his temple. “ _We’re home_ ”

Niall rubs his eyes as Harry sets him down on the ground and automatically twists his free hand into Harry’s.

“ _Morning…_ ” he replies and leans up to place a kiss to the corner of Harry’s mouth and then glances around clearly hearing the screaming. “ _What’s going on?_ ” he asks yawning.

He watches Dan and Sandy rush into the ward Josh hanging back to keep an eyes on them. But Niall, being ever curious, follows Dan and Sandy pulling Harry along for the ride. He can’t see Louis anywhere and that is never a good sign. He hopes Louis hasn’t had another episode.

Zayn isn’t here either, although Paul had said he might not be for a while. The thought upsets him and he hopes that the older boy will recover soon, because Niall misses watching him draw.

There’s no Liam either and now Niall really is worried, because Liam’s always here, he’s never not because he doesn’t go into Quarantine much. Liam’s like an older brother to him in many ways and he looks after him when Harry can’t, Niall relies on him to be here at all times and now he isn’t he’s extremely worried.

He creeps round to where Liam’s room is which is where everyone seems to be heading. He grips Harrys hand tightly as he moves around to look through the open door and sees Paul leaning against the door shouting.

“ _What’s going on?!_ ” he hears Sandy shout.

“ _Liam’s locked himself in the bathroom and won’t come out. I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing in there and I can’t get a hold of Mick to check the cameras. Fuck! Why do we even have locks on the pissing doors?!_ ” Paul shouts.

“ _Why’s he locked himself in?_ ” Dan asks frantically.

“ _I got a message earlier on. His mother can’t make the appointment and I had to explain it to him and this is the result_. _Fuck! I’m going to have to break the door down_ ” Paul curses. “ _Liam! Open the door or we’re coming in! You’ve got five seconds!_ ” Paul yells through the door. He then turns to Dan. “ _Get me Mick on the phone if you can and get him to check the cameras_ ” he hisses. “ _I want to know what he’s doing in there. I can hear running water_ ”

Dan nods and takes out his phone moving over towards Liam’s perfectly made bed. He dials a number and begins speaking hurriedly into it.

Niall stands still in the doorway watching as Paul begins to slam into the door, literally breaking it down. He gives it another four more slams and finally the door splinters and begins to crack.

“ _He’s frantically washing his hands over and over and murmuring something about blood!_ ” Dan yells over to Paul trying to be heard above the noise of the door breaking.

“ _Shit_ ” Paul says as he forces the door open and charges in.

Then Niall hears it. The sounds of someone sobbing, it’s as clear as day now the doors gone. Liam’s practically chocking on his sobs.

“ _No! No. No, no, no, no, no! **Stay away!**_ ” Liam’s shouts and Niall can see him backing into a corner clutching something shiny in his hand blood dripping down his arm in rivets. “ _It’s everywhere. I can’t. It won’t leave. I can’t wash it away!_ ” he cries as Paul comes closer.

“ _Liam_ ” he says patiently tone soft and full of emotion as he moves towards the boy carefully as not to startle him.

“ ** _Get back!_** _They don’t want me! They don’t care! I don’t deserve to **live**! I’m a murderer… I’m a **murderer!**_ ” He screams and lashing out at Paul dropping whatever he’s holding hitting and screaming and shaking.

Niall trembles watching. He sinks back into Harry in fear clutching at his hand until his nails are biting into Harry’s palm. Harry in turn brings him close engulfing him into a hug protectively. The memories… They’re back swimming around his mind in flashes.

“ _Niall…_ ” Harry whispers close to his ear.

Paul makes a grab for the boy and brings him into his chest to try and stop his hands from hitting him, but Liam only struggles more pushing at him and now kicking him. His attempts are erratic and he’s now screaming even louder his voice scratchy as he attempts to raise it louder. He’s going to damage his vocal cords at this rate.

“ _Liam. That’s not true. I told you something unavoidable came up. You need to calm down_ ” Paul tells him, but Liam won’t and he only pushes and kicks harder.

Paul shakes his head and Sandy hovers near ready to help if Paul instructs it. But Paul knows Liam isn’t going to calm. He’d sent Jon to take Louis to his room so the boy wouldn’t interfere and had been trying to coax Liam out by himself. But it’s clear now Liam needs help, and now. He nods to Sandy and the other man comes close helping to restrain Liam and hold him down while Paul reaches into his pocket bringing out his emergency sedative kit. He prepares the needle and sighs.

“ _You got him?_ ” he asks Sandy above the noise Liam’s making.

Sandy nods looking grim.

“ ** _Noooooooooo_** _!_ ” Liam yells and Paul can hear the misery in his voice. The desperation and hopelessness and he knows all Liam wants to see his family; and it emotionally _hurts_ him that he can’t provide something so simple.

“ _I’m so sorry Liam_ ” Paul whispers as he injects the liquid feeling Liam’s body go stiff.

“ _Why? **Why won’t you let me go?!**_ ” He screams shaking again.

The forceful movements only cause the sedative to move quicker around his body and it doesn’t take long for it to kick in. Sandy holds him down as best he can to keep his arms from smacking either of them. It’s hard. He won’t lie. Liam’s a well-built kid; he’s all muscle and thick powerful limbs. But even Liam has his limits and once he’s down Sandy slowly moves his hands, making sure he’s out. He slowly gets up and moves off him sighing.

“ _Well shit, I wasn’t expecting that_ ” he says taking a shaky breath.

Paul shakes his head and it’s clear he wasn’t either as he moves up off the ground. He then turns and spots a pale, shaken Niall and an unreadable Harry both looking down at an unmoving Liam.

Well shit he thinks to himself.

“ _Dan, taken these two back to their room please_ ” he instructs swerving back round to Sandy. “ _Sandy, call down to EHF and ask them to come and collect Liam for me. I want him to see Lou once he wakes up; ask her to book him into Quarantine after. I think he needs some quiet time to think_ ”  

With the instructions given he then picks Liam up from the floor and places him down on the bed, eyes sad and almost pitying.

But then the spell breaks and all eyes turn to Niall whose now sobbing heavily into Harry’s chest clutching him as though his life depends on it. Harry holds him close with just as much strength trying to offer support whispering soft words into his hair and guiding him from the room behind Dan.

Dan takes them into their own room and shuts the door behind him once they’re in and then takes a seat at the bottom of what is meant to be Harry’s bed; he knows Harry never sleeps in it though. Instead they both curl up in Niall’s despite the small space.

Niall sits still sobbing in Harry’s arms, terrified by what he had just seen. The blood, the blood terrified him. Liam, he’d been _bleeding_. He could have _died_. Then he’d have been alone when Harry couldn’t be here. What would he do? Who would he go to? Liam would leave like they did.

“ _Niall_ ” Harry whispered softly. “ _You’re okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere…_ ”

Dan smiles at the pair huddled against the headboard.

“ _Shall I ask for some sleepers?_ ” Dan asks Harry.

The curly haired boy looks down at Niall again and looks back at him sadly and faintly nods his approval.

Dan pulls out his phone and makes a call to the Emergency Health Facility asking for them to add a sleeping pill to Niall’s nightly medication. Once done he sits up and smiles to the pair again.

“ _Will you be okay now?_ ” he asks nodding to the door letting them know he’s planning on going.

Harry nods again slightly, resting his head atop of Niall’s curling his arms tighter around him looking drained.

That’s how Dan leaves them entangled with each other. He makes sure his can see them through he window that looks into their room once he’s outside the door, and then walks back down the hall.

-X-

Josh is getting ready to leave for the night when it happens.

He’s just finished up helping Paul with the report on Liam’s earlier incident and about the leave the ward when he hears screaming.

It’s the kind that makes your blood run cold with dread; loud and agonising.

Paul goes very still next to him pausing what he’s doing and looking up.

“ _Niall…_ ” he breaths and then rushes off, Josh following.

They bolt down the hall where the boys rooms are and Josh sees Harry through the window leaning over a thrashing Niall trying to wake him. It looks like Niall is having some sort of night terror.

Paul slams the door open, nearly flinging it off its hinges in his haste. He stumbles over to Harry who leans protectively over Niall shielding his with his body and glares at Paul menacingly.

“ _Harry, let me see him. We need to wake him up_ ” he tells the boy and Josh doesn’t know how he’s being so calm right now.

Harry looks reluctant to move but as Niall screams out again he slowly backs off allowing Paul to come nearer.

“ _Why won’t he wake up?!_ ” Harry asks frantically running a hand through his mess of curls.

“ _Niall. Niall!_ ” Paul repeats urgently trying to shake Niall. “ _Did he take any extra medication before bed?_ ” Paul demands knowing the boys medication can change from day to day depending on their moods and how the day goes.

“ _Yeah, Dan ordered him a sleeper earlier to take before bed_ ” Harry replies pacing.

He then whirls round staring wide eyed at Paul as though he’s realised something important.

“ _This is **his** fault! He ordered the pills and now Niall won’t wake up! I’ll kill him Paul! I’ll **kill** him!_ ” he shouts and kicks the dresser at the side sweeping everything from the top of the cabinet before tipping it over.

“ ** _Harry!_** ” Paul shouts and looks at Josh going to say something when another yell rips from Niall’s throat and he sits bolt upright in bed.

“ _No! Please don’t!_ ” he wails sobbing and screaming, tearing at his hair.

Josh watches in horror as the boy fights for air chocking on his breathes and desperately fighting against the hands Paul has on his shoulders trying to get him to calm down. But Niall won’t have any of it and hits and kicks Paul, scratching and bruising him.

Harry sees red and runs at Paul jumping at him and trying to pull him from Niall.

“ _Get off him! Get off! Don’t fucking touch him!_ ” he shouts punching Paul, and from the looks of it he’s deadly serious.

“ _Josh! Go get Jon and Sandy!_ ” Paul yells to him as he grabs a hold of Harry to try and stop him.

Josh doesn’t need to be told twice and he flees the room shouting for his co-workers finding them already running down the hall after hearing the commotion. They follow him back to where Paul is still battling Harry and Niall.

Niall is sat on his bed screaming his lungs out curled into a tight ball. There’s screaming coming from Louis’s room now as well. No doubt the commotion had awoken Louis from his sleep and Josh is only thankful that Louis’s room gets locked at night. God knows the copper haired boy would only make this situation worse.

Although at this point Josh wonders if it could get much worse.

Sandy has once again stepped in with Jon helping him. They’ve got a hold of Harry and are trying to pin him down and stop him from doing anymore damage to Paul, who is now literally bleeding. He’d got a nasty cut to his eyebrow and has scratches all over his face, arms and neck. No doubt the bruises will be fully developed in a couple of hours too.

“ _You’re going to have to sedate him. He’s not going to calm!_ ” Pauls shouts to them wiping his bloodied lip.

Jon nods and reaches into one of his deep pockets on his jacket taking out the needle and sedative. He gets the shot ready while Paul helps to keep Harry down and stop him from doing Sandy anymore damage.

“ _God dammit Harry_ ” Paul murmurs. “ _Stop being so difficult and this wouldn’t have to happen_ ”

“ _Fuck you! Fuck you!_ ” Harry screams. “ _Niall! Run! Niall listen to me!_ ” he shouts to the boy on the bed.

But Niall isn’t listening. He hasn’t moved from his position and God knows what he had even been dreaming about to wake himself up into such a state. Josh wants to help but he has no idea whether he should even approach the boy on such a state.

“ _Josh! Call EHF! Get a couple of the guys down here now!_ ” Paul shouts as he, Sandy and Jon continue to battle with Harry.

EHF is basically the hospital for the patients on the wards and the staff; Paul will no doubt have to go down for a visit himself later. But Josh has no idea what to tell them, he’d never had to call them before and he’s panicking, because oh shit he has no idea what he’s doing right now.

In a panic he grabs the phone from his pocket and prays that the number has already been programmed into the phone. He searches through the contacts and finds it thankfully. He’s then desperately trying to cast his mind back to when Dan had had to call in for Liam earlier and trying the think about what he had told them.

The phone rings twice before a woman answers the phone sounding calmer than Josh thinks she should be.

“ _EHF. What’s you’re emergency?_ ” she says and Josh stays silent for a moment. “ _Hello?_ ”

“ _I, urm, could you send someone down to Ward 37 please?_ ” he asks unsure of how to explain the situation which he knows she’s going to ask for.

“ _No problem. What’s happened on the ward?_ ”

He sighs knowing she was going to ask.

“ _Well one of the boys has had to be sedated_ ” he says looking back to where the sedative seems to be taking its effect on Harry. “ _The other is currently having a panic attack after waking up after what we believe to be a night terror…_ ” he glances back at Niall who is now fighting with Paul again sticking his arms out and hitting at him.

It doesn’t look good and Josh wonders whether Paul will issue an order to have Niall sedated too.

“ _Right. Someone will be down soon. Just try and keep the patients contained_ ”

Josh grits his teeth disliking the terminology being used. The boys are still humans, they’re not animals that should be cadged up and kept under lock and key. The thought make him curl his hand around the phone till his knuckles turn white from the pressure.

There’s another scream behind him and Niall watches as Harry finally gives into the sedative and falls limp on the floor. Paul grabbed a hold of him and holds his arms back down again as Niall comes to life once again fighting for his life.

He gives out one final wail and then as though a switch has been flicked Niall drops to the bed face forward and falls limp in Paul’s arms.

Paul falls still and checks Niall over for his pulse to make sure it’s normal and he’s not worked himself up too much.

“ _Well shit_ ” he says. “ _He’s fainted…_ ”

Sandy sighs in the background and huffs.

“ _Damn…They really put up a fight this time_ ” he groans helping to pull Harry up and onto his own bed.

“ _Yeah well after earlier what do you expect?_ ” Jon chips in while gently placing Harry’s head down onto the pillow. “ _What happened with Liam obviously shook them up and you know how sensitive Niall is. He probably had nightmares of what happened…_ ”

Josh nods knowing that what Jon’s saying makes sense. From what he’s already read on the boy’s medical files this apparently isn’t the first time this has happened.

It doesn’t take long for four staff from the EHF to arrive soon after. They come racing in through the doors and hover around Niall and Harry before lifting them onto stretches carting them away.

One of the men comes and talks to Paul asking multiple questions on what had happened previously. They make a fuss over Paul as well and ask him to follow them down to fill on the boy’s paperwork and get himself checked out too.

Josh can’t help but link the EHF to a clean-up crew after a murder… Simply sweeping the mess under the carpet and moving on.

-X-

He arrives the next morning to find Zayn fresh out of Quarantine and sitting on one of the sofas in the den. He’s drawing in his sketch book when he enters, colouring in graffiti styled words with an artist’s precision. The dark haired boy glances up at him as he walks past and Josh offers a smile to him who and is returned with a curt nod.

In all honestly he’s really glad to see Zayn back on the ward. He still looks incredibly skinny as always and his face is still really gaunt and hollow looking; but at least he doesn’t look ready to pass out. He’d been worried, very worried, and now with Liam, Niall and Harry not being here the ward felt more like an abandoned hospital than a place of recovery. Louis was still there, but Josh wasn’t so sure he could count that as a good thing at times.

Speaking of which…

Where was Louis? Where was Jon, or Sandy, or Dan? Even Paul seemed to be absent from the ward.

He turns to Zayn with a confused frown to see the boy watching him warily, eyes suspicious at his questioning gaze.

“ _Where’s everyone else?_ " He asks watching as Zayn seems to relax at the question, and he goes back to colouring in his picture again.

“ _Paul’s in a meeting. Jon’s gone to pass along a few worksheets for Liam to do. Dan’s checking on Harry and Niall. Louis still in bed and Sandy is…_ " Zayn stops himself, pausing.

“ _Yeah?_ " Josh says urging him to continue hoping that something bad hadn’t happened.

Zayn then pulls a face and gestures off down the hall.

“ _He’s gone to the toilet…_ " the tan boy mumbles turning away again.

“ _Oh rig-_ ”

“ _Josh!_ " Someone shouts out from behind and he finds Sandy standing there in the doorway beaming.

“ _Hey_ " he calls back and gestures for Sandy to come in.

“ _G’morning to ya_ " the bass player says back in return. " _You’re in early today_ " he notes.

“ _Yeah, didn’t sleep well last night so I ended staying up late and watching a few re-runs on TV…_ ”

“ _I know what you mean. The first few times I saw some of the patients here kick off I didn’t sleep very well either. It just gets to you sometimes, plays on your mind right?_ " Sandy explains clearly sympathising with him as he lounges back on the sofa eying Zayn’s artwork with appreciation.

“ _It gets better thought right?_ " Josh can’t help but ask looking hopeful.

Sandy looks like he’s really thinking about it as he glances to the ceiling, face thoughtful.

”. _..I guess it does. Maybe a little… Or perhaps now I just know what to expect_ " he sits back upright throwing himself forward to rest his elbows on his knees. " _I guess in the end it’s never easy to watch. I feel like these guys are like my little brothers in a way_ " he tells him grinning as he watches Zayn pull another face and its obvious Zayn is listening. " _It’s painful every time, but Harry and Niall… They’d been doing so well. It feels like a slap to the face when this happens_ " he sighs and looks back to Josh with a bittersweet smile.

-X-

It’s around lunch when Harry gets released. He’s not happy and that much is made quite clear when he storms in with a face of thunder and all but storms onto the ward heading straight for his room slamming the door behind him. The sheer force of the collision shakes the walls and causes Zayn’s pencils, which were balancing precariously on the edge of the coffee table, to shake and roll off.

“ _Oi Harry! Watch it!_ " Sandy shouts after him but receives no answer from Hurricane Harry.

Zayn scowls at the fallen pencils and lifts his head to the hall where Harry had swept through.

“ _Ass_ " he spits and leans over the sofa to pick them up before slouching back getting comfy once more.

Zayn hadn’t moved much at all throughout the day other than to go for lunch - which had been an effort itself. He’d had a quarter of the plate today, which was a high improvement from before he had gone into Quarantine and Josh had been proud that he had been able to help. Louis on the other hand had been as good as gold oddly and hadn’t put up a single fight throughout the whole ordeal. He’d sat down without a fuss and had eaten as told smiling and making small talk with them. Even when they had gone to leave he’d followed without complaint and once on the ward had informed them he was tired and had gone back to bed like a typical teenager.

It was all very odd.

He’s brought out of his thoughts when he hears the door go again and turns to see Jon and Dan come ambling in looking strained.

“ _What’s up with him?_ " Sandy asks cautiously nodding his head off to where Harry had stalked off down the hall giving them the once over for injuries.

Jon shakes his head and sighs.

“ _I’ll go check on him_ " he says walking off down the path Harry had taken.

Dan flops down into the sofa next to Josh and groans wiping his hands down his face. He looks exasperated and sleep deprived to say the least. Dark bags under his eyes and an irritated look masking his usual chilled out smile and easy going expression.

“ _He’s been a nightmare ever since the other night apparently_ " Dan finally says. " _Wouldn’t settle in Quarantine and kept the other patients from sleeping. The North Side is really struggling now because they’ve been up most of the night due to Harry causing chaos. They sent him back because they didn’t have an isolated enough cell for him. So he’s back here now. But we can’t get him to calm down_ " Dan rubs his eyes again taking another deep sigh. " _He went to attack Ed when we got him released, nearly ended up in a brawl with that Jake Bugg kid in Ward 8, smashed a load of stuff in hall 16… He’s going to be a really handful until Niall gets back I’m telling you_ ”

“ _When is Niall being released anyway?_ " Sandy asks pulling a face as Dan explains what’s been happening.

“ _No idea. I spoke to Lou about it and she doesn’t think it will be anytime soon. She tried to schedule a chat with him, but when she asked about it they said he hadn’t stopped screaming when he woke up. They had to put him out again and send him back to EHF… Poor kid hasn’t woken up since_ ”

“ _Damn!_ " Sandy calls giving a low whistle. " _Well I guess we’ll have to keep a close watch on them eh?_ ”

“ _What about Liam? Is he doing any better?_ " Josh chips in looking sympathetically at Dan understanding his dismal expression all too well.

Dan nods his head a ghost of a smile curling on his lips.

“ _Jon went to see him before we met up; looks like he should be back this evening some time. He’s settled down and when Jon left him he was about to leave for a gym session, so he should be fairly happy about that I’m sure_ ”

Josh gives a breath of relief. At least someone’s doing better he thinks to himself.

“ _It’s just Niall and Harry now I guess…_ " He says sadly.

“ _Eh don’t worry!_ " Sandy calls from the other sofa where he’s drawing in Zayn’s book on the opposite page to where the dark haired boy is sketching something out. Zayn doesn’t look impressed and is currently scowling at the other man. " _Niall usually bounces back quite quickly. He’ll be back before you know it, you’ll see_ ”

“ _Yeah I hope so…_ ”

-X-

It’s much later when Paul gets back. He’s been entertaining Louis for the last three hours playing a slightly disturbing game of scrabble in which Louis had played words such as “decapitate” and “dissect” on the board. It had been a very uncomfortable experience and wasn’t one Josh was looking to repeat. Needless to say when Paul had walked through the ward he’d been more than pleased to see the weary man.

“ _Oooooh look_ " Louis has cooed. " _Paul’s back_ ”

Josh raises his head sharply from his less than helpful letters he’d been analysing for the last five minutes to check whether Louis was just trying to wind him up again. The copper haired boy had taken to making it his mission to mess with his mind as much as possible. He’d spent the last half an hour trying to convince him that there had been a boy on the ward who had committed suicide in the very chair he was sitting in. Josh still wasn’t sure whether he should believe him or not and had already made a mental note to ask Sandy or Dan later.

He turns anyway twisting his head round to look towards the Ward entrance and spots Paul standing by the door. He looks stressed and very tired. It didn’t surprise him though, if he really had been in a meeting all this time then Josh is very sure he’d be in the same way.

“ _Urg he’s not in a good mood_ ” Louis murmurs. “ _I’m out of here. Don’t want to be around when he snaps. Been in Quarantine enough already this month_ ” he continues sourly jumping up and rushes off out the door towards his room.

Paul frowns at the boys retreating back as he rushes past the taller man and out of sight. He then shakes his head and treads into the room taking a seat where Louis had been happily sat moments earlier.

“ _He’s worried you’re in a bad mood and apparently didn’t want to be around when you blew_ ” Josh explains while clearing the scrabble board knowing Paul was confused over Louis sketchy behaviour. 

Paul watches him for moment looking thoughtful as his eyes flick over the words laid out.

“ _Creative isn’t he?_ ” he says spotting the word ‘ _impale_ ’ among the tiles.

Josh smirks for a moment nodding in agreement. But then frowns catching sight of the heavy emotions burning in Paul’s eyes.

“ _Something’s happened_ ” Paul tells him catching Josh’s perplexed look being sent his way.

Josh stills at the words his previous humour gone as he picks up on the serious tone in Paul’s voice. There’s now a sense of dread welling up in his stomach tricking his mind into thinking he feels sick. He really isn’t sure whether he wants to hear this or not.

“ _Right…_ ” he says softly abandoning his previous task of clearing up and instead leans closer listening. “ _What is it?_ ”

Paul rubs his eyes again and sighs almost hopelessly.

“ _The meeting I’ve been in all morning was about the audit_ ” he explains slowly looking him dead in the eye.

Josh remembers the other week when the audit had been explained and he remembers delivering the boys files to the main office the other day. Had something happened? Did it involve he boys? Surly it couldn’t be _that_ bad right?

“ _All of the other heads from the rest of the wards had to go to the meeting as well and the grading’s that the Mental Health Authority has given were passed back to us along with any concerns, changes and targets…_ ” Paul takes another deep breath and pressed his fingers together.

“ _So we did badly then?_ ” Josh summarises.

It’s the only conclusion he can come to with the way Paul’s acting.

“ _They’re sending Niall to another hospital_ ”

The information hits him like a punch to the stomach knocking the air from his lungs and leaving him bewildered.

“ _W-what?_ ” he can only stammer. “ _Harry as well right?_ ”

Paul shakes his head and closes his eyes shaking his head sadly.

“ _This is where the problem starts. When Niall and Harry first came here they were naturally assessed like all patients are and those results were sent off to the Mental Health Authority. However they decided that Niall and Harry should be separated in order for them to recover and become independent people. But after spending so much time with them already we had already realised that that might not be the best idea after seeing how they coped alone. We managed to put together a report detailing the effects that separation caused each of them and succeeded in changing the boards mind so that they could stay together_ ” Paul shakes his head again and sits back showing just how tired he is. “ _But now after seeing the amount of incidents between them, and reviewing the situation and Lou’s reports, they’ve concluded that no progress has been made since they both arrived and have decided to send Niall away to another hospital… They want Harry to remain here, alone_ ”

Josh can’t believe what he’s hearing. No, he doesn’t want to believe what he’s hearing.

“ _But… They can’t **do** that!_ ” he gasps leaning forward to Paul desperately. “ _They won’t… Neither of them will cope!_ ”

Paul nods weakly looking him in the eyes again.

“ _I know… I’ve tried to protest the decision already. That’s why I was gone so long. I’ve spoken to the head of the Mental Health Authority who lead the meeting today. But arrangements have already been made and the decision is final. They’re taking Niall away tomorrow. There’s nothing more I can do… I’ve failed…_ ”

Josh stares wide eyed at the man watching as he cradles his head in hands and hunches over slightly.

Paul’s… He’s really taking this hard… Surely he doesn’t blame himself for this right?

“ _Paul… I-_ ”

From behind him he hears a sudden chocked noise and bolts round to see Harry standing there in shock his eyes blown wide and scarily terrified.

“ _Harry…_ ” Paul says softly.

The spell brakes and Harry comes to his sense fingers curling round the door hard and eyes narrowing in to watery slits.

“ _I’ll… I’ll **never forgive you**_ ” he utters darkly before turning in heel and rushing back to his room.

Paul goes to sit up and follow him but Josh stands wordlessly glancing down to him with a sympathetic smile.

“ _I’ll go. I need to learn to deal with them at their worst sooner or later. Might as well be now right?_ ”

The Irish man looks immensely grateful for the offer and takes it without fight.

“ _Thank you. I need to go and tell the others about the news. You know where we all are if you need us. I imagine he might become a handful so press the emergency call button if you need any help with him okay?_ ”

“ _Got it_ ” he replies moving to Harry and Niall’s room.

He finds Harry curled upon Niall’s bed in a ball of awkward limbs head pushed into one of Niall’s pillows.

“ ** _Leave_** ” he commands the moment Josh crosses the threshold of the room.

Josh falters for a moment; he can hear the raw pain in the curly haired boy’s voice. But after a moment he sets forward again slowly, trying not to startle him and mentally slaps himself or treating Harry like a wounded animal and not a _human being_. He makes it across the floor and sits himself on the edge of the bed looking down at him curled in on himself miserably. There’s no tears, no sniffling, no nothing. There’s only cold dead eyes’ glaring at the wall facing him with such _fury_ and _anger_ that Josh questions how one person can hold such a look at Harry age.

“ _I know you’re beyond angry… I am too. I can’t believe they’re doing this to you both either_ ” he tell him gently. “ _But holing yourself away like this isn’t going to help Niall_ ”

Harry whips around so fast to face him that it scares Josh momentarily before he realises that Harry hasn’t punched him in the face and he’s okay.

“ _How the **hell** would you know how I feel? You have no fuckin’ idea how I feel!_ ” Harry shouts back, staring him down with burning poisonous green eyes.

“ _Well I lost my nan when I was younger_ ” he starts softly watching as Harry stills and slowly raises his head to look at him. “ _She was the only person in the world who supported me in what I wanted to do when no one else would. Not even my parents_ ”

Harry glances away again dropping his head down low mournfully. But Josh knows he must have appealed to Harry’s softer side, which is normally reserved solely for Niall.

“ _…So what happened to her?_ ” the curly haired boys asks softly his tone no longer holding any of the malice from before and Josh can’t remember such a sudden change of personality.

“ _She suffered with Dementia_ ” he tells Harry watching his eyes widen in shock. “ _She forgot a lot of things: people, places, memories… Me…_ ”

“ _Oh God…_ ” Harry whispers.

“ _Yeah, it was tough, I won’t lie_ ” he laughs turning to flash him a grim smile. “ _But in the end that’s what pushed me to come and work in the Mental Health Sector. I wanted to give something back to all the people who helped my nan. So in the end despite all the heartache it brought, something good did come of it in the end. After all I ended up here didn’t I and got to meet you all?_ ”

Harry frowns at the floor and looks thoughtful for a moment before turning back to him.

“ _So are you trying to say Niall being sent away is a good thing?_ ” he asks looking slightly angry at the prediction.

“ _No Harry. I’m not saying that at all_ ” he tells him gently. “ _What I’m saying is sometimes things are out of your control and no matter how much you don’t want them to happen they still do. Sometimes you have to suffer, and there’s nothing you can do but stand there and take whatever it is being thrown at you. It’s tough, I know it is. But that doesn’t mean you can throw your life away. You have to try and take it, because otherwise life will leave you behind, It’s not going to wait for you to get you’re shit together_ ”

Harry looks perplexed, but he doesn’t raise his fists like Josh is half expecting him to. He remembers when the doctor nursing his nan had told him the same thing. He had felt like punching the guy and shouting and screaming. But then much later he had realised that the guy had been right and that made him feel worse. No matter how badly he didn’t want his nan to die there wasn’t anything he could do to prevent it, and it had been the most cruel of things life had ever thrown at him.

Harry falls back again and Josh sighs reaching across to him and gently placing a hand on his shoulder as Harry collapse into a fit of hard sobs.

It’s amazing really to think that this is the same boy who had wanted his head on a platter the day they met. It seemed like he was now showing his real colours beneath whatever dark past had twisted him. Was this Harry’s true self? Was he really just a sensitive goofball beneath the surface?

“ _Harry…_ ” he says trying to catch his attention again.

“ _I don’t know if I can cope without him…_ ” Harry sobs. “ _He’s was all I had left…_ ”

The thought leaves Josh cold.

-X-

The next morning is tough.

Harry stays by the only window in the ward staring blankly out like he’ll miss something life changing if he looks away for a second.

He’d already tried to fight Paul when he wouldn’t let him come with him to see Niall off. Apparently Harry wasn’t allowed to go and that just hadn’t sat well wih Harry. But after Paul had warned him that fighting would only land him back into Quarantine again he’d let go and fallen to the floor in a heap.

Since then it was as if Harry had lost the well to fight. He’d sat in the same spot he had fallen and hadn’t moved for over half an hour. Then after sitting there for said length of time he’d jumped up out of nowhere and rushed over to the window and stood there staring out. He’d been there ever since.

It’s worrying and Josh thinks he knows why he’s there. He’s obviously looking for Niall, thinking that he’ll see him go past most likely.

Josh doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Niall won’t pass the window. The pane of glass looks out over one of the back gardens and Niall will be leaving through the front of the building near the drive that leads up to the hospital.

The other boys hadn’t said much either since they had been told.

Zayn had silently walked off towards his room after being told by Dan and hadn’t come out all morning. He’d refused to go down for breakfast and instead Jon had brought his meal to him and waited for him to eat the portion he had been allocated. Apparently he was drawing a picture of very detailed shamrock the last time he had been checked on.

Louis however had reacted differently.

He’d been like a live wire. At first like Zayn he had been quiet and everyone had been worried about how he was taking it. He’d sat alone in a corner muttering to himself and no one could make out what he was saying. But then after two hours of constant murmuring he’d gone off to bed without a word.

Halfway through the night however he’d apparently woke up screaming and had proceeded to trash his room. The staff had walked in to overturned furniture, shredded paper that Louis had collected, ripped down posters of random places and a desecrated bed. Louis had been circled in the corner wide eyed in the darkness with a manic look on his face grinning at them. It had according to Preston been quite a scary sight, almost like something from a supernatural horror film.

They had been going to place him in Quarantine like they normally did, but then Louis had broken down in tears. He launched himself at Preston and hugged the man for dear life sobbing into his shoulder and it became clear that all Louis needed was comfort.

He was now sitting on the floor in the den cuddled up in a blanket watching the title screen of a movie on loop. He hadn’t had anymore breakdowns and for that Josh was thankful. The other two were currently busy and Josh was worried that if Louis did decided to have a tantrum he wouldn’t be able to cope with him on his own. There was still Harry to think about after all, and God knows what he would do if Louis kicked off with his current state of mind.

Dan was in the other room with Zayn keeping a close eye on him in case he suddenly had a breakdown himself. Sandy had gone with Paul to see Niall off and be a somewhat familiar presence for Niall and keep him calm. Josh wasn’t sure what good it would do; he could imagine that right now all Niall would want was Harry – as he normally did.

They still had to somehow break the news to Liam too…

He wasn’t looking forward to that. Liam’s last break down had been because of not being able to see his mother which had led him to believe that no one wanted him or to be around him. So what on earth was he going to think when he found out that Niall had gone too?

He was due back later on too. Apparently he had been through some rigorous therapy with Lou and had been mainly kept in an isolated cell as he could have some time alone. Jon has been making regular trips over to Quarantine to keep an eye on him and make sure his studies didn’t fall behind. According to Jon Liam had been making brilliant progress so far and had calmed down significantly. However this made Josh all the apprehensive of how he’d take the news. The last thing they needed was for Liam to take a step back.

“ _Hey Josh…_ ” a small voice calls from behind him.

He turns and finds Louis looking at him from inside his thick cocoon of blanket huddled around him.

“ _Yes Louis?_ ” he answers stepping back into the den again.

“ _Why did they take Niall away?_ ” the other boy asks softly.

“ _Well the people in who oversee all of the hospitals didn’t think that Niall was making much progress here. So they decided to move him elsewhere where they thought he might_ ” Josh explains to him trying not to stumble over his words.

“ _Oh_ ” Louis replies turning back to the TV screen where a horror movie was now playing. The image of a man being ripped open by another person in a mask played and Josh cringed as he watched the blood fly.

Louis however didn’t seem at all fazed as he watched the gory film roll, instead he stared blankly ahead.

“ _People are their worst enemies_ ” he mutters burying his head in the cover around him.

Josh can’t help but think he’s right.

-X-

Several hours later Harry finds himself in his room with the lights out alone.

He’s curled himself on Niall’s bed under the sheet that they used to share, head resting on the pillow they used to lie on. Despite the bed only being a single and therefore only made for one, it surprisingly feels… Empty…

He’d shared the bed with Niall for over three years. Even before they had been in the hospital he had rarely slept without Niall at his side.

So now being alone in the bed felt wrong somehow.

He misses him _so much_ , and he doesn’t think he’s going to survive this separation if he’s honest.

He wonders what Niall’s doing. Is he safe? Is he well? Is he coping? Does he miss him?

The questions whirl around his mind uselessly without an answer. He doesn’t see the point in being here anymore. He has no one to protect anymore. No mother, no sister, no Niall…

He’s never been without anyone to protect or care for, and he needs that; needs that distraction from his own violent thoughts.

His chest aches as new wave of despair washes through him leaving him feeling empty and cold. He lies there unfeeling, simply existing, breathing in the darkness.

He must have dozed off at some point he realises as he opens his eyes again and stares at the simply green clock sitting on the wooden dresser at the side of him. It’s six thirty in the evening.

He rolls over and squints in the darkness trying to make out the general shape of the room. After gathering his bearings he runs a hand through his hair and then flexes his fingers stretching out over the bed and finding nothing. Where was Niall?

“ _Nia-_ ” he stops himself short letting realisation roll over him.

His hand stills mid-movement and tears well in his eyes again.

Why? Why, why, why _why?!_

In a fit of frustration he returns his hands to his head and screams. He lets everything out. The pain, the sorrow, and the _hurt_ he’s currently feeling. Everything falls out in the noise that rips from his throat.

He flings himself up and slams his fist into the wall watching the paint chips and flake under his bones. In whirl of movement he then back hands everything off the dresser next to the door feeling a wave of heat in his stomach as he watching everything crash to the floor. He brings his leg up slamming it into the dresser knocking it over and sending the doors tumbling out violently. Then, feeling only slightly better, dives back onto the bed sobbing as he fights with the sheets ripping and tearing them between his fingers.

It doesn’t come as a surprise when Paul bursts in flicking the lights on and staring at him wide eyed as he sits there in the middle of the bed on his knees sniffling pathetically. He spots Josh behind him looking alarmed and can’t help but feel resentful towards the pair.

Why hadn’t they stopped Niall from leaving? Had they been part of the decision? Were they in on this?

“ _What’s going on Harry?_ ” Paul asks cautiously stepping in trying to avoid the broken object lying dejectedly on the floor.

He doesn’t answer and instead goes back to tearing at the sheets in his hands mournfully. What’s the point in playing these games anymore? He has no reason to try and get better now. Niall isn’t here and so why is he?

“ _Harry_ ” Paul says moving closer to him.

There’s just no point in fighting now…

“ _Paul, why don’t I handle this? You’ve got Liam to see to right?_ ” Josh says frim somewhere behind Paul.

Harry scowls. He doesn’t want anyone to _handle_ him. He doesn’t need anyone to _handle_ him. He’s not being aggressive, he’s not fighting. So why does he need someone to _handle_ him like he’s some kind of wild animal?

“ _You sure you’ll be okay?_ ” Paul asks him.

Again Harry feels annoyance boil inside him.

 _He’s right here!_ Why are they talking like he can’t hear them?!

“ _Yeah of course. It’s fine. We’ll just have a little chat won’t we Harry?_ ” Josh replies but Harry doesn’t answer the question.

There’s a pause on Pauls end as he most likely assess the situation for moment. But clearly he thinks Josh will be fine as he sighs and takes a step back.

“ _If you need anything then just come and fetch one of us_ ” Paul tells Josh sternly before retreating from the room leaving the door ajar.

Josh takes over from him moving towards the bed and sitting on the end simply watching Harry continue to shred the bed sheets to pieces not saying a word.

He stays there for a while still silent and still watching him with curious eyes.  It becomes uncomfortable after a while and Harry feels himself quickly becoming annoyed again. He wants to punch Josh in the face just so he won’t watch him like hawk.

“ _What do you want?_ ” he growls gritting his teeth.

“ _You’ve got a scar on your wrist_ ” the other boy points out with a single finger aimed at his left wrist.

Harry blinks and glances down to his wrist finding the scar marring his smooth flesh with a single pink line. He stares at it intently picturing messy badly dyed blonde hair and neon blue eyes in his mind. A sad watery smile makes its way to his lips and he looks away.

“ _So?_ ” he says flippantly closing his eyes to keep the tears at bay. “ _It was a long time ago_ ” he tells him cutting the conversation dead.

Josh shift slightly on the bed and leans over getting better view of it.

“ _Seems significant somehow…_ ” he says shocking Harry slightly with his perception.

“ _What’s makes you say that?_ ” he asks warily.

What does Josh know? Has he read his file? Why the hell does he care?

“ _Just a feeling_ ” he shrugs at him.

Harry shifts his eyes away and looks back to the shredded quilt.

A feeling of understanding rains over him.

“ _…Niall started it, cutting I mean. I told him, I told him that if he was hurting then I would too… I didn’t think he believed me so I… I cut too_ ” he laughs at the memory of Niall’s horrified expression. “ _He was so shocked. Started crying and shouting at me. I’d never seen him so distressed before… I made him promise me. Made him promise not to do it no more and I wouldn’t either… But sometimes he would, whenever he felt alone, so I would too. I did it to prove that he wasn’t, so he knew I’d always be there, always…_ ” he feels the lump return to his throat and drops his head down. “ _But now I’m not…_ ” he croaks.

There’s more movement on the bed and Harry watches through the strands of his curly hair as Josh moves closer to him sighing.

“ _What happened Harry? How did you two ever end up here?_ ” Josh asks and it comes out as more of statement to Harry.

He’s not prying… He just sounds concerned now. It’s a talk that he feels is long overdue.

“ _Niall parents were murdered in front of him…_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this! :D It’s been both really fun to write and interesting to research! As always please drop me a comment to let me know what you thought!


	5. Dreamscape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I apologise for the extremely long wait... I have no excuse other than the Holiday Season and work. I feel awful, but that is my poor attempt of an excuse. Anyway the chapter is done now, so I'm faily happy about that. 
> 
> A word of warning, this chapter is VERY dark. So if your not cool with that then I advise you don't read it. That or prepare yourself for some heavy reading. 
> 
> Once again a HUGE thank you to every who comments or give kudos. It means a lot and I do read every comment that people write. :D

 

* * *

 

**Dreamscape: a landscape or scene with the strangeness or mystery characteristic of dreams.**

He wakes to white. White walls, floors and sheets stretched out before him. There’s no pain, no aches, only a fuzzy slither of a memory serving as a painful reminder of what happened.

But he knows full well where he is - the signs are more than obvious and he’d have to be completely senseless to not be able to connect the dots. Even before he had properly woken up he’d been greeted by the whitewashed room his nose had bee assaulted by the thick potent odour of bleach and the sickly clean smell of disinfectant. That alone had made him want to roll back into the sheets and tangle himself in the little comfort that could provide.

He scowls down at the them sweeping his thumb across the itchy material. The annoying beeping from the machine to his left fills the empty ward proving him little distraction other than serving to annoy him. He turns his thoughts to Harry idly wondering where he is and feeling slightly guilty that he he wasn’t the first thought on his mind.

He knows that there’s some sort of medication running through his veins to calm him. The IV line that’s currently hooked into his the crook of his elbow and the unusually calm state of his mind is plenty proof for him. He faintly wishes that he could always be prescribed whatever medication it is, but he’s already been deified anything stronger than what he’s already on. Apparently there was a worry that he could become addicted from large doses and there was the fear that continued use could eventually cause some harmful side affects and I rare cases kill him. So for now he’s stuck with a weaker, less potent, less effective substitute which he takes daily. But when he thinks about it the weaker one doesn’t even do half a good a job as the one currently running riot through his system. He’s never been able to think so clearly and sometimes he wonders whether it’s just best to stay in here so they keep pumping it through him.

He feels like getting out of bed and just taking the IV line and stand with him to go and search for Harry. He wants to go and find him, he needs to go and find him. Despite being calmer and having the ability to think clearer - without the crushing feeling of panic and utter dread - he still has the need to cling to the curly haired boy and be with him. He’s never felt safer with someone, so protected and loved. So why would t he want I stay with him? Why wouldn’t he want to just be with him?

Just as he’s about to swing his legs over the side if the bed and make his badly thought out escape a petite lady steps into the room followed by a middle aged doctor. He eyes them wearily, watching as they smile at him. He’s never been too trusting of doctors since he’d ended up on the ward. They’re part of the reason he’s in there to start with.

But the two of them continue to smile kindly as they approach slowly as to not startle him or cause panic.

"Well I’m glad to see you awake Niall" the doctor tells him making sure to turn his smile up a notch as Niall frowns back. "I’m Doctor Pearce, I’ve been overseeing your recovery so far" he then explains making firm eye contact which Niall tries to avoid. "Now I’m just going to ask a few questions and then go over your vitals and hopefully get you checked out if all goes well. Now are you I any pain at all?" He asks to which Niall shakes his head firmly. "Any aches, swollen limbs, nausea or blurred vision?" Again he shakes his head in response watching as his makes notes on his clipboard. "Looking good so far. I’m just going to check your vitals out now okay?" He warns offering another Hollywood smile as Niall gives him a cautious nod watching his every move as he moves over to the heart monitor at his side. "Well your heart rates gone down to the expected rate. Your blood work has also come back clear. Pupil dilation appears to be normal, no sign signs of infection or illness and your temperature also looks normal. I think your clear Niall" he tells him finishing up with the thumbs up.

Niall can only shrug in response. He knows deep down that he’s no where near in the clear. If he was he wouldn’t even be here in the first place.

It’s at that moment that Paul comes rushing through the doorway looking around wildly before his eyes settle on him and he takes a breath.

"Paul!" He shouts letting out a smile and instantly feeling more settled and at ease with the current company.

Paul’s someone safe after all. He’s a familiar face in this sea of unfamiliar people that he’s surrounded by. He knows Paul won’t let them do anything that may harm him, and he won’t let them take him away anywhere he doesn’t want to go.

The older Irish man comes over to him looking a little jaded and less then happy. It causes a bout of unwanted worry to flare in his stomach numbing the medically induced calmness that the medication is meant to be creating.

"Paul?" He asks as the man takes a seat next to his bed showing his ID badge to the Doctor letting him know who he is and why he’s there.   
But Paul ignores his underlining question and turns back to the Doctor again face hard and unemotional. It seems he’s all business today.

"How soon can he be discharged?" He asks crossing his arms as he gets straight down to business.

Doctor Pearce looks a little taken back at the request. He gives Paul a sceptical looks and then glances sharply down to his notes taking them in and looking decisive.

“ _Well I’d say he’s good to go really. There’s nothing down on his records to stop him from being discharged today. But I’d like to kee-_ ”

“ _I’d like to discharge him now then if possible_ " Paul injects steeling his eyes into a look that clearly tells Dr. Pearce he’s not changing his mind on the matter any time soon.

“ _Oh right…_ " is all the doctor can say as he once more looks stunned by Paul’s abrupt decision to remove Niall so quickly. " _I’ll go and get the necessary papers for you then_ " he says and leaves the room with his nurse in tow.

Niall doesn’t know what to say. Paul seems tense, very tense, and from experience Niall knows that that’s never a good sign. He won’t even look at him once the doctor has disappeared and keeps his gaze firmly wedged in the direction of the floor.

"Paul…" Niall says softly trying to coax the man into speaking to him, but to his disappointment he doesn’t even flinch.

A spike of worry runs through his system as they continue to sit in an awkward silence. Paul won’t even look him in the eye as he takes the seat next to his bed folding his hands together and holding a private stare down with the floor. It’s not like Paul to withhold information from him normally, unless whatever is wrong could cause him to have a panic attack - which is something he’s quite happy to avoid. He goes to ask Paul what’s wrong again but Dr. Peace reappears last minuet entering the room with a smile handing Paul a stack of papers to sign.

“ _If I can just get you to sign these to say that you have discharged Mr Horan_ ” he tells Paul still not looking best please about the arrangement. “ _I will advise that Mr Horan be allowed to rest once back on the ward though. Obviously he was very traumatized to have worked himself up into suc-_ ”

“ _No, of course I understand… Once we get back I’ll let him go and rest in his room…_ ” Paul interjects quickly gathering himself up and flicking his eyes over to Niall. “ _Well come on then you. Let’s be having ya_ ”

Niall blinks in confusion at Paul’s eagerness to leave. But after a moment it becomes obvious that he’s desperate to make himself scarce – all the more proof that something is very, very wrong. It enough to make Niall nervous and he can feel to muscles in his body tense in apprehension. Despite his growing anxiety he swings his legs over the bed and pushes up to his feet stumbling a little as he steadies himself. Being out for so long had clearly dulled his motor skills.

“ _It might be wise to take it easy and not move around too much for now. You were out for a while after all_ ” Dr Peace tells him sending him a soft smile a ghost of amusement dancing through his eyes.

“ _We’ll keep that in mind_ ” Paul answers back helping Niall steady himself as he starts to change back into his regular clothes that had been brought up from them ward for him.

Once he’s done changing and the release papers are signed Paul gives his thanks to Dr Peace voicing his appreciation for taking care of his charge. It doesn’t however change the fact that he’s still itching to leave, something he makes obvious by glancing to the door every couple of seconds. Niall can only watch on with a growing sense of dread welling within him. Why is Paul acting so shifty?

All sorts of scenarios play out within his mind. Most are not pleasant and involve him walking back onto the ward to the news that someone’s died or have been brutally murdered by an out of control Louis on a sugar rush.

After finishing up with speaking with Dr Peace Paul hurriedly leads him out of the door and into the brightly lit corridor beyond it glancing around nervously before turning to look at him.

“ _So I thought we might go out on a trip seeing as you’re out of hospital now_ ” he says to Niall trying to force a smile on his face to hide his nervous disposition.

The news doesn’t come as much as a surprise as it should to Niall. Paul’s odd behaviour has been confusing him for over half an hour now, so not much is fazing him at this point. But the fact that the idea has come out of nowhere does puzzle him slightly. Usually after being discharged from the EHF Paul is quick to get them back to the safety of the ward and tuck them up in bed with a sandwich and juice box from the cafeteria.

“ _Why?_ ” he asks sharply arching his left eyebrow in curiosity.

“ _Because I though you might like a trip outside after being out for so long. It would be a chance to get some fresh air and if you’re good I’ll even treat you to lunch_ ” the older Irish man barters his tone convincing and a slight bit sly.

Again Niall is left feeling an intense amount of confusion at the lack of familiarity of the situation. This isn’t how it normally goes and he’s at a loss of what to do as he feels the panic rise. How is he meant to respond? What does he do in this situation?

In his panic he turns on instinct to find Harry and cling to him until the moment passes. But his dismay he turns and finds nothing but the white wash walls staring back at him blankly. Its then he remembers sourly that Harry isn’t here right now and he’s left with Paul watching him sadly.

“ _Come on Niall_ ” he calls.

In the end Niall has no choice but to follow apprehension rising in his chest.

Something is wrong, _very_ wrong.

So it shouldn’t surprise him when they arrive at reception to find Sandy standing by the main desk chatting up the young lady working behind it. He’s leaning against the wooden top, body bent inward as though he’s whispering secrets between them, trying and failing at looking seductive.

But that’s not what holds Niall’s attention.

There’s a suitcase by his feet sitting there on the marble tile innocently. At first Niall doesn’t really take note of it. Instead the image of Sandy attempting to charm the receptionist is enough to make him smile involuntarily and bite back an amused laugh. But as his eyes wander around the room again and it catches his attention, the recognition has him reeling slightly. The last time he had seen that suitcase was when it had been placed high up on Harry’s and his set of wardrobes in their room when they had first been admitted; and there it had stayed untouched for over three years. So why wasn’t it there now crammed right at the back behind boxes gathering dust?

Paul once more ushers him forward hand pressing on his back in what feels like reassurance. He stumbles slightly towards Sandy, who spots them from his peripheral vision and turns offering a big, bright, fake smile.

“ _Hey you!_ ” he calls as they make their way over to him. He holds his arms out comically, but Niall can’t bring himself to smile as he comes to stand in front of him wary of Paul talking quietly to receptionist to their left.

“ _What’s going on?_ ” he instead asks in greeting folding his arms across his chest in a weird display of self defence.

At this Sandy grimaces, but almost as soon as the look had appeared it was gone again, replaced with that annoying and oddly infuriating smile.

“ _Cheer up Niall! Didn’t Paul tell you? You’re going on a trip today. Aren’t you the lucky one eh? You’re normally bouncing off the walls at the chance to go out into the big wide world_ ” Sandy tells him frowning at Niall’s sullen look and defensive stance.

The blonde frowns back at him a desperate look clouding over his moody features making him seem all the more worked up and on the boarders of having a breakdown. The thought almost makes Sandy call Paul over but Niall appears to be trying to keep it together for the moment.

“ _Yeah, but Harry’s usually here when I do. Why isn’t he here now? Has something happened?_ ” he then jerks his head back up to look at Sandy in horror, eyes dilating and widening in shock. “ _Is that why Paul’s suddenly taking me out? If something has happened to Harry then I want t-_ ”

“ _Hey, hey, hey! Harry’s fine okay? Listen to me Niall_ ” Sandy tells his leaning down his level and placing his hands on his shoulders forcing the Irish boy to face him. “ _Harry’s okay. He’s fine_ ” he explains slowly making sure that Niall is taking his words in. “ _When I last saw him he was with Zayn doodling in the sofa looking bored out of his mind because you weren’t there. Paul only wants to take you into the town to get some proper fresh air and clear your head okay? You did give us quite a scare you know…” he then smiles almost sadly and glances at the ground mournfully for second before facing him again, full on beam back in place. “Everything is_ _going to fine you know. It’s all going to work out in the end – I’m sure of it!”_ Sandy cheers wavering his hands about to make a distraction.

Niall pulls a face watching as the smile doesn’t reach the others eyes. He’s not stupid enough to ignore the fact that Sandy’s in on whatever Paul’s up to.

“ _Niall_ ” Paul calls to him from the reception entrance waiting in the doorway holding open the glass door for him. “ _Come on we best be off, our rides waiting_ ”

A nudge to his side from Sandy gets him moving in his caretakers direction in baby steps.

“ _Something’s wrong, something’s wrong_ ” his mind screams to him in worry urging him to turn heel and run back to the ward, to the safety of Harry’s waiting arms.

He catches the front of the suitcase swinging in Sandy’s slack hold and feels his eyes well with tears as he slips through the threshold of the door.

A large white van is sitting at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the hospital. Two police officers, armed and poised, are waiting either side of the open doors at the back of vehicle watching him with beady trained eyes.

He hesitates halting forced hurried footsteps and draws back needing to feel the safety of solid white walls and endless corridors. A glance to Paul tells him that that isn’t going to happen though. His hooded mysterious eyes still won’t risk looking at him and Niall can now place that look. He’s seen it before in the eyes of his previous caretakers. Guilt.

Devastation swarms him as he watched Sandy wordlessly exchange his suitcase with a man in white overalls who has just stepped out from the front of the van. No words are spoken and Niall now knows why. This has all been set up from before he had even come out of the EFH.

“ _You knew_ ” he breathes slowly to Paul in realisation.

He can’t even look at the older man right now as everything falls into place within his mind. He can only stand looking on as his world starts to fall to pieces before him.

“ _You_ _ **knew**_ ” he repeats with sense of finalisation still staring straight ahead at the van wishing for it to set alight in the cold air.

“ _I’m sorry Niall_ ” is all he says and despite the hatred Niall wants to so desperately to feel towards him, he just can’t muster it. Paul does sound truly sorry and the thought only frustrates him more as tears trail down his face.

“ _You_ _ **knew**_ _!_ ” he shouts at him whirling round to point an accusing _shaking_ finger at him, jabbing his chest pathetically.

The Irish man shakes his head sadly and kneels down to his level placing two hands onto his shaking shoulders watching tears slide down flushed cheeks. He gives him a sympathetic look and sighs deeply closing his eyes in remorse.

“ _I did everything I could_ ” he tells him – voice cracking slightly over the words. “ _I tried everything Niall. But, but they wouldn’t listen to me. They think it’s better this way – and who knows maybe it will be eventually_ ”

Niall shakes his head weakly squinting watery eyes letting the tears free and wishing he could be too.

“ _N-no. It won’t be. It won’t be!_ ” he says chocking on his tears feeling even more worked up.

He’s being sent away into the unknown, and Paul, the one person who he was meant to trust as much as he did Harry – he had just let this happen. Yet he was supposed to be fine with this?

“ _W-what about Harry? Where’s Harry?_ ” he asks rubbing at his eyes frantically.

“ _He’s fine Niall, and you will be too. You’re going to be alright. Promise me you’ll remember that?_ ” Paul pleads with him giving him a slight shake to emphasise his words – adding a hesitant smile.

Niall doesn’t know what else to do at that point. He hangs his head and simply nods at the words limply, much like a broken rag doll. He watches through misty eyes as Paul stands once more and backs away letting cold air blow away the warmth where his hands had been sat on his shoulders. He shoots his pale fingers out trying to grab at Paul’s long sleeved jacket only to snag cold air.

Where was Paul going? Wasn’t he going with him? Why was he being left?

The two police come towards him hands moving out to grab a hold of him tightly forcing him into the van and into an uncomfortable seat. He tries to struggle against them as they strap him him thrashing out his legs wildly aiming for their sides. It doesn’t make any difference though and all it achieves is making them annoyed and urging a few strong words. He continues to lash despite the lack of progress it’s making him – there’s no way he’s going anywhere with these guys. But it comes to an abrupt end when he sees the shine of a needle flash at his side. They’ve brought a nurse into the van whose armed with sedative and Niall can already feel the phantom sting from when they had last injected him. The nurse hovers close waiting for his captors to hold him down to get a clear space to inject him. So he thrashes more and starts screaming loudly opening his mouth wide making the strangled noise even more agonising hoping that Paul will just just give in and call whatever this is off.

But no such thing happens and instead more people come flooding into his personal space shouting and screaming to each other over his noise. Hands come out grabbing a hold of him yanking him down and keeping him still against his will.

“ _Hold him down!_ ”

“ _Keep him still!_ ”

“ _No grab his legs!_ ”

“ _Do it now!_ ”

“ _He’s working himself up too much!_ ”

His flying fist manages to smack into something solid and someone to his left gives out a pained grunt. His mind has gone into meltdown and ten thoughts tangle his mind at once as his fight or flight instincts go crazy tearing at his mind. But as normal he’s not been given a choice and he has to fight first if he wants to run.

He goes to plant his fist into the the next target, but just before he can a flash of silver flashes past his his vision. He turns fast enough to give himself whiplash and watches the scene play before him in slow motion. Paul stands there, syringe in hand, pressing the the mental splinter into his skin injecting poison into his system. Their eyes meet briefly before the sounds around him flood back full force.

“ _Paul?_ ” he asks in confusion furrowing his eyebrows.

His voice is raw with the sound of betrayal as Paul looks away in shame. Anger smothers the hurt that wells up within and he brings up a hand managing to clip the older man’s cheek. His nails slash a decent cut that’s bound to leave a mark behind. Now seeing the damage he’s caused satisfaction floods him and he lets his shoulders slump forward into waiting arms. Slowly the thoughts die down into soft murmurs that are much more manageable.

“ _I’m so sorry. I tried Niall, I tried_ ” he hears someone say.

Even though he’s only half conscience he can still make out the thick Irish twang in the accent and his brain instantly connects the dots to his brother.

“ _Greg?_ ” he slurs before black shrouds his vision.

                                                          -X-

It has been a long time since he had felt this unsafe . He’s surrounded by the unknown with no one to turn to for help. Normally Harry was there, glued to his side, and would whisper soft reassurances in his ear or wrap him up in a warm hug. But right now there’s nothing but cold air and even colder words surrounding him. They do little to sooth his racing nerves.

Just as he’s contemplating the pros and cons of holding his breath till he passes out a hand clamps down heavily on his shoulder. A scream tears through his throat and he’s quick to jump to his feet pushing himself against the hard metal surface of the van trying in vain to make himself as small as possible.

“ _Calm down. It’s alight. We’re not here to hurt you yeah? Just calm down. Geez you’re a jumpy one_ ” the guy on his right says.

The words ‘ _calm down’_ do little to actually carry out their meaning. If anything they only serve to remind him that something is wrong.

It seems the two kinder police officers have gone. Instead they’ve been replaced by two other men who he assumes must work for wherever he’s being taken. They’re wearing plain overalls and have matching badges stamped into their clothes. Neither of them look particularly friendly as they scowl down at him in distaste.

“ _Can’t you just sedate him and get this over with?_ ” the other yells over.

“ _No we’ll just have to fill out more paperwork if we do that_ ”

“ _Well we don’t have to tell them you know…_ ”

“ _You have a point but what do we say when we carry him in unconscious?_ ”

" _He_ _had a fit and passed out. Simple_ ”

Niall watches the exchange fearfully. These people, they’re different from the ones at Betwixt and Between. They don’t care about him at all. Just because they think he’s going to be hard work they’re going to sedate him. How is this fair?

Battling his spiralling thoughts he sinks down to the floor pulling his knees into his chest and allows the tears he’s been holding back to flow.

“ _Oh for Christ’s sake! Just pick him up and carry him! Useless piece of trash. They should all be put down_ ”

Someone tugs him up and forces him to walk forward and off the van ignoring the way he stumbles and nearly trips off the end.

He’s marched up the set of crumbling steps towards the entrance of the hospital and through a set of glass doors into the reception. A lady behind the desk is casually reading a glossy magazine in front of her ignoring their presence as she flips the page over idly.

“ _Oi! Mary!_ ” one of his captors yells over to the woman making her jump and turn to scowl at him.

“ _What!_ ” she snaps back flipping over the magazine and hastily shoving it to the side.

“ _We’ve got another one for you. Do us a favour and call Tony up to come and fetch him_ ” the other grumbles shoving him forward slightly for inspection.

For a moment Mary squints at him as though he’s a specimen under a microscope and she’s the scientist in charge of dissecting him. Her eyes roll over his body – looking him up and down criticisingly. She tilts her head up slightly in a snobbish manner pouting her lips before she reaches for her phone at the side keeping her eyes levelled watching him as though he’ll jump over the desk and produce a knife to her throat.

“ _Tony, there’s another nutcase waiting for you. Hurry up and collect it will you_ ” she instructs someone at the other end of the phone before slamming the receiver down. “ _He’ll be here soon”_ she tells them with an overly fake smile and with one final blast of scrutiny in his direction she begins to examine her brightly painted orange nails with an intense amount of consideration. “ _So what’s wrong with this one? Hallucinations? That swearing syndrome? Amnesia?_ ”

Niall feels a dull ache within him begin to grow. It’s clear everyone here is going to be just as unkind. Never in the three years he had been locked up at Betwix and Between Hospital had he been called anything remotely cruel. The staff had always been as kind and considerate of his needs and feelings. They had never once belittled him or made him feel as though there was something horribly wrong with him – even though he already knew there was. Everyone was equal there and no one was ever made to feel as though they didn’t belong.

But it was clear that things ran much differently here.

It doesn’t take long for Tony to appear. He’s a tall man, very skittish and looks worried as he wanders in flanked by two other men at his shoulders. His eyes dart about the room before landing on him and then rushing over in a panic almost falling as he does.

“ _I’m so sorry I’m late. So sorry! I got here as quick as I could I swear!_ ” he yells in a rush and Niall struggles to catch it all.

“ _Yeah, yeah. Well you’re here now. Here’s his papers and luggage, so kindly take him off our hands yeah? We’ve got to go and collect another one_ ” the guy on his left says rolling his eyes before shoving a handful of papers to Tony.

After doing so the two men who had brought him there take their leave walking away back through the doors they came through. A silence falls over them at the sudden exit and Niall once again feels awkward standing there close to tears.

“ _Well then”_ Tony starts clapping his hands together with a smile. “ _I best show you to the ward_ ”

As they make their way through the halls Niall can’t help but pick out the clear differences between where he was before and here. Overall it feels more gloomy and dark, despite the overused white paint marking the walls. The people passing them seem stressed and unhappy and there’s no pleasant background chatter, only bleak forced silence.

He also notes that during the entire walk there he doesn’t once see a single patient. In fact the only reason he’s knows he’s in a hospital is because he’s been told, but to anyone else it would just look like endless white corridors lined with multiple steel doors.

Eventually Tony comes to a stop outside a door marked 13 in thick red tape; his new “home”.

“ _Well here we are_ ” Tony tells him with a forced smile opening the door with his key card going through.

The room inside is fairly big with a table in the corner. There’s a dark haired boy sitting at it staring down at a book in front of him that’s upside down. He doesn’t even glance at them when they walk in, clearly to engrossed in what he’s doing. Niall’s reminded of Zayn for a moment as he looks at him and his high cheekbones and tanned skin.

“ _That’s Siva_ ” Tony tells him continuing the walk forward without saying a word to the boy in question.

Niall nods in return continuing to try and keep up with the man walking ahead of him. He takes him into an adjoining corridor pointing to the doors lining the walls.

“ _That’s Siva and Jay’s room. That’s Nathan and Tom’s room. Bathrooms here”_ he explains coming to a final door at the very end. “ _And this is your room… Well yours and Max’s_ ”

Niall blinks at it as Tony opens the door and one of the men who had been accompanying them walks in to place his luggage down. Niall watches as he does trying to keep the tears back. It seems so final now. Like this is really happening and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. They push him into the room closing the door behind them.

“ _Breakfast is at nine sharp, lunch is twelve and we go for tea at six. Lights off at ten. Other than that you can please yourself, we’ll check in with you at every two hours okay?_ ” Tony tells him nodding before he turns on heel to leave.

“ _No, no, no!_ ” Niall’s mind screams out as his hands move to grab at the sleeves of Tony’s white jacket.

He can’t stay here alone. He needs something familiar, anything. He just _can’t_ be alone.

But the two men come forward grabbing at him in return, tugging and pulling at his limbs, forcing him away.

“ _Please don’t leave me here! Please don’t leave me alone! Please, please!_ ” he sobs shaking his heads letting short screams rips from his throat. “ _I don’t want to be alone…_ ” he begs.

Tony huffs a breath of frustration letting his shoulders sag.

“ _Lock the door on the way out_ ” he tells the men as he walks away opening the door again and closing it firmly behind him on the way out.

The men holding him down nod in return shoving Niall back onto the bed and moving sharply from the room slamming it behind them. The sound of the lock clicking in place sounds through the room confirming his fears of truly being alone.

He screams and screams and screams until he rips his throat sore. Throughout his whole episode he can hear the occasional burst of sound banging against his door as though someone is trying to get in. Someone even joins in with his screaming at one point trying to match his pitch. He’s positive that he must have upset some of his fellow inmates with his noise, but he doesn’t care.

When no one comes he only screams louder and claws at his skin creating a mass of welts and bruises. He carves creative swirling lines across his pale skin marvelling at the contrast between the bold red of his blood and the dusty peach colour of his skin.

The realisation that he really is on his own hits him hard like his heart is being squeezed in his chest and he can’t breath. He can’t breath. The breath he’s forcing into his system aren’t reaching his lungs. He feels the heat in the room beginning to boil against his skin turning it a rosy red. Panic floods his veins as he desperately tries to gulp in air, but it won’t reach. It’s like his body is rejecting the gift he’s trying so hard to give to it. He lets out terrified sobs with the remaining air his has clawing at the bed sheets under him for purchase. He’s going to to pass out, he’s going to hit the floor and give himself a concussion.

He thinks of Harry and the reassuring hand he usually places on his back rubbing gentle circles into the skin there, the bright smile yet worried eyes that glow down at him when this happens. His soft words that float over his form and constant presence that keeps his panic attacks at bay normally.

There’s nothing like that here now. No one to turn to. No Harry, no Liam, no Zayn, not even a Louis – who wouldn’t normally do much, but he’s someone familiar. That’s all he needs right now, just some reassurance that everything is going to turn out okay. He’s never been able to look after himself before, always needing someone there for him, to let him know he’s okay, he’s safe – nothings going to harm him.

The breath pumping in and out become more frantic and the air around him feels like it’s getting thinner like he’s climbing a mountain – which he might as well be doing right now.

But then, just as he’s starting to see the world close in on him, the door splinters and slams open against the wall. Stood there tall and intimidating is another boy. He’s well built, tanned and sporting a well shaved head. Piecing eyes stare him down with a promise of pain if he doesn’t pay attention. A brief moment of silence falls over them and Niall then realises his breathing has fallen back to normal. He takes an experimental intake of air and releases letting his body relax. He’s no longer in danger of choking on his own breath.

“ _If your done dying get out_ ” a voice says and he blinks up at the boy standing in the doorway in horror.

Had, had he said that?

“ _W-_ ”

“ _Get the fuck out of my room now!_ ” the boy roars charging in and reaching for items lying on the dresser to left launching whatever he could at Niall mercilessly.

Pain erupts at the side of Niall’s head as he leaps up off the bed. One of the items that had been thrown at him had hit the side of his head and further pain greeted him as he crumpled to the floor in a heap. He didn’t dare pause to check the damage caused as he yanked himself up and rushed towards the door in fear trying in vain to avoid anymore blows.

The door slams shut behind him as soon as both of his feet are through the threshold of the room. He was clearly _not_ welcomed in his own room.

Now in dire need of comfort he stumbles along the dark corridors of the ward searching for someone _anyone_ to cling to. He's completely out of his depth here and without Harry he didn’t know what to do. He had no idea where any of the staff were either – it was as it they had been left to fend for themselves. Needless to say he had no clue as to who to go to about the gash on his head – which was now oozing blood and making a trail down his left cheek.

A short walk down the hall later and he found himself at a loss. Instead he slumped down the wall and curled himself up, bringing his knees to his chest and circling his arms around them setting the unmarked side of his head against them for support. Somehow he was managing to convince himself that there was nothing left to cry about – nothing _worth_ crying about.

He’d never really faced up to the fact that he has already lost everything he’d ever held dear a long time ago. He’d single handedly ruined both his and Greg’s lives through his poor choices. But after a while of walking around in a haze Harry had woke him up. He’d made him see that there was still a life in front of him if he was prepared to fight for it. But it was all just false hope. It hadn’t taken him long to mess everything up again and taken Harry down with him.

He was nothing more than a walking mistake doomed to forever make mess up after mess up and drag everyone around him down into his black hole of a life. Greg had sort of had a lucky escape after he had been locked up; but Harry hadn’t.

The fact that he had been moved to another hospital proved that he wasn’t even worth the effort. Why else would they move him? They clearly didn’t want him around anymore. He was like a broken toy that they couldn’t fix and so they had thrown him out in the trash to rot.

No one wanted him, no one needed him.

So the only thing left to do now was what everyone clearly wanted him to do - walk away and disappear.

                                                         -X-

Josh sits there for a moment trying to take in what Harry had just said. Thoughts are twirling round his mind, while his brain attempts to work it out.

“ _Niall… Niall’s parents were murdered?_ ” he says slowly as though trying to force the words make sense in his mind. It seems so wrong to say out loud like that; makes it seem all the more worse.

“ _Yeah… Right in front of him_ ” Harry replies casually, voice raw with emotion. He then slowly brings his fingers up clicking them together. “ _Just like that - gone_ ”

“ _But, why? What happened? Were you there?_ ” Josh asks, questions tumbling from his mouth as he sits there desperate for answers.

Harry drops his head with a shake and for a brief moment Josh worries that he won’t get the answers he’s craving. But then he rises up again staring at the chips of paint where he’d slammed his hand into the wall in a childish fit of rage.

“ _No. I wasn’t there_ ” he then chuckles darkly and hangs his head again. “ _But I wish I had been… No. He was in Ireland at the time. He lived there before… Before his parents were murdered_ ”

There’s another pause and Josh knows that if he wasn’t so interested in what Harry had to say he might of told him to stop if it was hard for him to tell. For once he’s being selfish though and he knows he’s chosen such a poor time to be.

“ _His uncle was a little odd, not quite all there, and his dad was concerned - as I guess any family member would be. Long story short Niall’s dad called in for help and he ended up sectioned. I guess his uncle was resentful for it and in the end he escaped the hospital he was sent to. He brought a gun and tracked Niall’s family down one day when Greg was at a local football game with his school team._

 _He came in through the back door of the house and rounded them up. Niall was only six at the time and I guess he didn’t fully understand what was going on. His uncle took advantage of that and told him that if he answered his questions correctly he wouldn’t hurt his mum and dad_ ”

Harry takes another breath closing his eyes as he does and a wave of sorrow passes through Josh as he realises how the story is going to end.

“ _Niall must of answered wrong because his uncle shot both of them in front of him. Next thing they know the neighbours had called the police after hearing the shots go off. Niall’s uncle got locked up again and sent far, far away and Greg came home to two dead parents and an emotionally traumatised little brother…_ ”

Josh can’t say anything to that – he can’t even imagine it. Something so horrible happening to someone so young. It’s the type of thing you only ever hear about on the news – the sort of thing that makes you thankful that you are who you are.

“ _So… Where do you fit into this?_ ”

Harry sighs resting his arm on his knee, looking gloomy and stares at the ground with twisted sort of nostalgia.

“ _I… I was in Cheshire, living with my sister and mum. I don’t know where my dad was. Mum said he just up’d and left one day… She worked hard my mum. Did everything she could to make us comfy. It was only later I found out how she afforded to do so._

 _There were always a lot of guys who came and went in our house – some more than others… I never thought much of it when I was younger – but my sister never seemed to want me to see it. She’d pull me away and coax me into playing outside away from them. I never understood why until I walked in on one of the guys trying to have their way with my mum_ ”

“ _So, she was prostituting herself?_ ” Josh asks carefully trying not to sound too insensitive or make Harry angry. Despite his care it doesn’t seem to have the desired effect.

“ _No! She wasn’t! She… She wasn’t like that… It wasn’t… It wasn’t like that…_ ” the curly haired boy trails off again turning his head to the side almost regretfully.

“ _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sa-_ ” Josh starts trying to apologise to the forlorn boy.

“ _No. It’s fine. I guess in the end maybe she was. I just never liked to think of it like that. It was bad enough that she thought she had to do it. She always tried so hard. She took as many jobs as she could, but it never seemed enough. The house was expensive and she didn’t want to move us away from all that we knew._

 _So I tired to help out where I could. Whenever the guys who came round got too much, tried to take more than my mum offered, I would intervene and kick them out. I took up martial arts at my school_ ” he laughs again pitifully rolling his head back. “ _Not that I was much good. More than likely the guys who came would get in a good swing at me and I’d get beat up. But sometimes I managed to hit back too and I guess I improved a little._

_I ended up so_ _**angry** _ _all the time. I hated the situation we were in. I ended up hating my mum and sister for going along with it. I hated school, I hated people… I hated the life I was living._

_But then Niall came along when I was 13. He’d been tossed from foster home to foster home because he didn’t have any family that could support Greg and him. No one could handle Niall’s constant needs and they would all end up sending them back. So in the end they got sent to England to try and see if anyone would have them over here. I remember there was a couple down the road from us. The wife couldn’t have children and so they went into fostering children instead. In walked Greg and Niall_ ” Harry breaks off for a moment mulling his thoughts over.

Josh has never seen him so vulnerable as he recounts everything. He looks so defeated – but from what he’s telling him he guesses he has every right to be.

“ _Niall was so quiet when he enrolled at the school. He wouldn’t talk to anyone or go out of his way to make friends. He was always stuck to his brothers side, clinging to him. In class he would just look around at everyone with such fear in his eyes all the time and never answered questions when the teachers spoke to him. So naturally everyone stayed away from him. He got called a freak and picked on by the school bullies. I wasn’t really interested to begin with. He was the new kid and I had my own problems to deal with. But then I got stuck with him for a science project. I wasn’t exactly the most popular kid in my year after all and so Niall and I were the odd ones out. It only seemed right to the teacher that we got paired together._

_I forced him round my place and it all went uphill from there. I spent the next month with him researching and trying ideas out for the project. He slowly opened up after a while of silence and small hand gestures._

_I felt like I was on top of the world the first time he properly spoke to me. I even_ _**smiled** _ _– something I hadn’t done in a long time._

_We ended up dating after a year of dancing round each other awkwardly and Greg eventually confided in me about what had happened to Niall and him. Got to say it all sort of fell into place. I suddenly understood why he was always so clingy and scared. He literally couldn’t make any decisions for himself and I was worried he was just dating me because he felt he_ _**had** _ _too. But Greg told me he’d never seen Niall so cheery since their parents had died…_

_We were happy. I was happy for the first time in ages._

_But two years later when we were 16 I went and ruined everything_ ”

Josh almost wants to cry for Harry. It’s bad enough what had already happened to them – but knowing that there was more is enough to make him stop Harry there. But he doesn’t dare tell him to stop at this point. He seems so caught up in past events now that Josh is scared that stopping him would only do more harm. Perhaps this was what Harry had needed. Someone to just spill all this out to and get it off his chest.

“ _We were over my place one night. Gemma was out with friends doing whatever it was they did on Friday nights and mum was with some guy upstairs. We were halfway through a movie when I heard yelling upstairs from her room. I knew straight away that something wasn’t right and rushed upstairs to help. Niall followed me up in panic and I found the guy holding my mum up against the wall screaming at her. She was black and blue in the face and I don’t know what had happened but I just reached for the nearest object and smacked him round the head with it. He didn’t like that obviously and tried to swing at me._

_I remember Gemma coming back at that point. She must have heard us upstairs and came rushing up to find out what was going on. Niall was crying with my mum who was telling us to stop._

_I don’t know what happened. I just remember being so_ _**angry** _ _and upset. We ended up fighting, hitting each other wherever we could. He got a few good hits on me – split my lip and cut above my eyebrow; ended up with a few bruised ribs too. But somewhere along the line I ended up on top of the guy with my hands around his throat… I squeezed and squeezed and he went limp lying there on the floor._

_My mum and Gemma were crying in the hallway. They were so scared and Niall was hysterical sat there on the floor screaming. Gemma was going on about calling the police, but she didn’t have to in the end. Niall’s screaming alerted people well enough and they came knocking half an hour later._

_I lashed out at the police when they tried to take me away. Ended up assaulted several of them when they tried to handcuff me._

_The guy I knocked out wound up in a coma for a week. But when he got out he made his statement to the police and said I assaulted him and tried to kill him._

_My mum went to testify against him but the evidence was all over his body. I bashed him up pretty bad and so I didn’t have a solid enough case to go on._

_Niall suffered a mental breakdown and for a while they sectioned him. It soon became apparent after he tried to commit that he needed special care and Greg tried to get them to let him see him. They denied him and instead the two of us were labelled ‘unfit’ to live in society._

_Next thing I know we’re here – and three years later we still are… Well I am_ ” Harry takes a shaky breath wilting.

“ _Have you heard from your mum ever since?_ ” Josh asks him trying to keep Harry away from the subject of Niall.

“... _She writes letters every now and then. She tried to come and see me a couple of times early on but… I didn’t want her to see me in here. Not like this._

 _She’s doing good though! After I got locked up she was given help to get herself straightened out. Last I heard she was getting married to a guy called Robin. I’m happy for her, she deserves to be happy, Gemma too_ ” he smiles softly, although a little sad.

“ _I know you won’t believe me when I say this Harry - in fact you’ll probably laugh at me and call me stupid. But things really wi-_ ”

“ _Get better right? If I just focus on the present and try to be positive it will all turn out for the best?_ ” he gives a full on laugh, body shaking, before tilting his head to side to look at Josh through his curled fringe. “ _Hate to break it to you Josh but I really don’t have any fight left in me anymore. Even if I wanted to try all this being positive and making the best of what little left I have of life I couldn’t. There’s nothing left I care about. My family aren’t here, Niall isn’t here. I don’t have anyone left to live for. Nothing is keeping me here tied to this life anymore…_ ”

                                                      -X-

Josh is kind of sick of having sleepless nights

He's taken to drinking an obscene amount of coffee and eating a truck load of surgery products to keep him upright through the day. He curses his brain for the lack of distinction between night and day and when the appropriate time for sleeping is. Harry's words from two days previous keep haunting him during the night making it increasingly hard for his brain to ignore and drift off into that much craved land of sleep.

Louis apparently finds it all hilarious and suggests in passing watching a marathon of gory horror movies – because these always seem to bore him into sleeping with their poorly directed death scenes. (Apparently they're all so fake it's not even funny – he fails to see the relevance of this).

So he spends most of his time walking around the ward in a sleepy daze while Louis follows him round watching him with an overly intrigued look. The chestnut haired boy has practically been glued to his side ever since Niall had left – not that he minds. He thinks it's actually kind of cute how Louis gravitates towards him as soon as he steps onto the ward.

He draws him into intense word search puzzle books where Louis tries to find his own list morbid words instead of the ones printed below the grid. Or he brings out the scrabble board from under the cupboard and makes Josh sit for hours at a time playing a gory game of Scrabble in which Louis tries to put together the most uncomfortable of words such as “ _dismember_ ” or “ _decapitate_ ”. Needless to say Josh becomes more than concerned after the third round when Louis gets a manic look across his face after he plays the word “ _exsanguinate_ ” and promptly decides that he _really_ doesn't want to know.

The look on Liam's face as he passes by them after glancing down at the word tells him all he needs to know.

So it seems kind of strange when he isn’t blessed with Louis presents during the afternoon.

He tries to not think much of it and mentally shrugs his shoulder while he's sat with Zayn helping him out with his maths workbook.

Zayn's great to sit with at times. He doesn’t talk much and has this overly chilled out vibe about him – even though Josh knows that that can be _far_ from true when Zayn wants it to be. He's just so laid back and doesn't really seem to care for anything. The tanned boy is more than happy to just let him sit there and watch him without a word; and although it should be slightly unnerving that they're sat in silence it really isn't.

However he reminds himself that Louis is still missing and sights to himself. He can't just leave him on his own. Part of his job is knowing where all the boys are at all times.

Harry is in his room still sulking with Jon. Liam is at a therapy session with Lou and Zayn is with him. Louis is now the only unknown; and Paul will _not_ be impressed if he finds out.

So with a heavy heart he pulls himself up and goes to look for the other boy while praying that he hasn’t fallen in the toilet or something equally as daft.

His search does lead him to the bathroom in the end. he had searched the study, lounge and Louis's room already and drawn a blank, so the only place left was the bathroom. Again he prayed his thoughts about Louis's fallen in the loo weren't true. The last thing he needed was to try and explain _that_ to Paul.

" _Louis!_ " he called shutting the door behind him. " _I know you're in here. Just coming to check you're alright_ "

There's no response for a moment as the tap on one of the sinks drips eerily at his side. He hopes to whoever is listening that Louis doesn't try and re-enact one of his favourite scenes from all those horror films he's been watching recently. Now really isn't the time.

But then he hears shuffling from one of the stall and smiles slightly.

" _You done?_ " he asks hoping for a verbal response this time.

" _No. I'll be out in a minuet_ " Louis calls back sounding a little hesitant and completely unlike his normal assured self.

A spark of worry creeps into Josh's mind and he takes a step toward the stalls. If Louis's in trouble or not feeling right it's p to him to help in anyway he can. But he can't do that if Louis doesn't tell him what's wrong.

" _Are you sure everything's okay?_ " he tries again. " _If you need anything Louis I'll he-_ "

" _Urg! Can you **please** just go I'm fine!_ " Louis yells back and a stomping sound comes from the stall as the chestnut haired boy tries to display his displeasure at Josh's presence.

" _Well I don’t believe you right now. What's up?_ " Josh counters crossing his arms defensively before he remembers that Louis can't see him.

" _Ah for fucks sake can't a guy get some privacy around here? Piss off Josh! **Please!**_ "

" _Well now I'm worried. Since when do you say please?_ "

" _Fuck you!_ "

" _You know I can go and get Paul to kick the door in if I'm worried right?_ "

Another bang echoes through the room and Josh smirks. A brief period of silence follows the noise and Josh knows Louis must be mulling over his choices. Then out of nowhere an incredibly quiet voice sounds and Josh has to lean in slightly to hear it over the whirling of the radiator in the corner.

" _I'm locked in the stall…_ "

He promptly burst into uncontrollable laughter.

" _Hey! Fuck you!_ "

                                                    -X-

It's hours later when Paul comes walking through into the den looking serious. He's sat with Sandy, Zayn and Louis flicking through their work going over answers. Louis had decided to be awkward after the bathroom incident and it was clear that he hadn't yet forgiven Josh for laughing at him.

Paul looks ridiculously worn out and Niall's departure had hit the man hard and he hadn't so much as shown even the slightest of smiles since. Louis had complained to him for ages afterwards about it throwing many whiny remarks his way. But Josh guess that Paul had seen both Niall and Harry as his sons like he did the rest of the boys. He showed them the same care that Josh had seen in many fathers, his care just couldn’t be matched by anyone.

Which made the situation all the more sad the more Josh thought about it.

" _Have you checked in on Harry recently?_ " the older man asked him taking a seat opposite him on the sofa.

" _Not in about an hour or so_ " Sandy replies looking up from Zayn's text book. " _Do you want me to go and check in on him?_ " he asks standing up from the sofa.

Paul nods to him and takes Zayn's book when Sandy offers it him in exchange before making his exit.

" _He was tearing at his bed earlier_ " Zayn remarks not glancing up from his latest masterpiece.

Paul furrows an eyebrow at the dark haired boy tilting his head to him curiously.

 " _What do you mean Zayn?_ "

The boy shrugs in response blowing a pile of rubber shavings from his paper and brushing away the excess.

 " _He was just pulling and scratching at it like he was trying to tear it apart_ "

Josh frowns and looks to Paul again who's frowning at Zayn suspiciously.

" _You should have told m-_ "

" _PAUL!_ "

The shout makes them all jump and Zayn makes a bold pencil mark by accident across his page ruining the picture he had carefully crafted. Paul jumps from his seat dashing out of the room before anyone can question Sandy's sudden cry for help. Josh moves to follow but pauses as he hears Louis morbid, and creepy tone, float behind him.

" _By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes…_ "

                                                      -X-

It turns out Harry had tried to take his life.

He'd been desperately clawing at the mattress on his bed attempting to free one the metal bed springs; and after practically tearing his bed apart he had managed just that. He'd then surgically sliced the skin at his wrists and cut along the veins sitting there with the metal spring - his intent clear.

Paul had called for help as soon as he had walked in the room finding Sandy pulling Harry up from the bed and setting him down on his back. There had been blood everywhere soaking the sheets the boy had been lying on and the room had a horrible metallic stench clinging to it that would take days to air. Sandy had been a shaking mess when Paul had walked in stumbling over his words and desperately trying to apply pressure to the boys wrists and stop the following blood.

 Paul had surged forward and knelt down to help pawing at his clothes to reach his phone and dialling the all important number to the EHF. He'd all but shouted down the phone to them demanding that they sent someone up as quickly as they could.

Shortly after the call had been made the EHF had arrived and carted Harry off on a stretcher. Josh was thankful the curly haired lad had been unconscious at the time. Paul had been beyond furious and Josh knew for a fact it was all he could do to keep himself from showing the true pain he was feeling. The older man clearly cared about the boys as if they were his own and didn’t like to see them in pain or danger.

Poor Sandy looked so horrifically shaken from the experience of finding him lying there sewn across the bed sheets. He was so pale after and shaking as he recounted the events to one of the doctors waiting on hand to help. He'd had to walk away after a while and get some fresh air to clear his head. No one stopped as Paul nodded and gave him a gentle squeeze to his shoulder as he left. Josh could only watch on as the usually cheerful man left stumbling down the corridor swiping his hands down his face, he couldn't even imagine the feeling of finding something like that.

 They keep Harry locked away for a further three days in the end monitoring him regularly and keeping check of his progress and moods. The doctors had declared him suicidal and a " _risk to himself and potentially those around him_ " on his paperwork. Though he showed little sign of improving anytime soon.

 Everytime Paul goes to see him Harry only sits there looking out of the window blankly. Despite Paul's attempts to coax him into conversation he doesn't react and he won't tell the doctors what his motives were when he decided to try to take his own life - but everyone already knows anyway. There's not even a sign that he has even acknowledged anyone's presence in the room when people visit. Only a blank stare, a shell of person lying there against the white sheets.

 He doesn't fight the nurses who tend to him. He doesn't answer their questions on if he's in pain or needs anything. He hardly eats and will only do so when the threat of it being forced is used. He won't even sleep longer than two hours at a time, and so in the end the doctors decide to feed him a shot of sleeping aid to force him into a an eight hour medically induced slumber. It does little good and as soon as Harry wakes he's even more difficult as punishment.

 Paul comes to the conclusion that holing Harry up in Quarantine won't do the teen any good either as all it can provide is more thinking time - which is clearly _not_ something Harry needs right now. Instead he proposes that Harry be taken back onto the ward and coxed into as many group activities as possible so as he's not left alone with his own poisonous thoughts. He also makes sure everyone is aware that he must _not_ under _any_ circumstances be left alone - toilet breaks being the only exception. He's officially put on 24 hours surveillance as soon as he leave the EHF.

 Lou increases his therapy sessions, as a suggestion, trying to pry into his mind and empathise with him. She's trying a new approach and different tactics with him, but Harry isn't having any of it and simply looks through her such an intense blank look that the sessions simply become uncomfortable and Lou ends the fourth one early.

 She concludes that Harry is suffering heavily with his Separation Anxiety Disorder again and has fallen into some kind of a depressive slump. They know what's triggered it, but finding a way to help is now the problem; especially when Harry is so against trying.

 No ones having any joy with him and Harry is clearly out to make it as painstaking as he can for all sides.

 He just doesn't seem to want to try anymore - not that Josh blames him and there's no way he could even begin to imagine how he feels. No amount of trying to empathise is going to make the situation any better. Instead they can only watch as the boy destroys himself further allowing himself to do more harm than good.

                                                       -X-

 Paul is flicking through personal files when he receives the phone call. He's flicking his way through one of the files left over from the recent audit that had first started the chain of events leading up to the current mess. The task of implementing the suggestions from the Mental Health Authority had fallen onto him and as a result he was left reading through all of the paperwork they had left behind for them.

 Due to being so thoroughly immersed within his work he doesn't notice the buzzing coming from the table for moment. But the long clang from it hitting the flooring does knock him from his musings and he leans down to scoop it back up again. He doesn't recognise the number flashing up at him and there's no name attached to it to give him any inclinations. Slowly, still thinking it over, he brings the phone up to his ear and presses the call button.

 " _Hello?_ " he says weary of who's calling him.

 " _Oh hello there. I'm calling from Greenfields Mental Health Hospital, could I please ask if I am speaking to a Mr Paul Higgins?_ " a polite female voice asks from the other end of the phone.

 Instantly Paul recognises the name of the hospital as the one Niall was sent to jus over a week ago. He'd seen the name on the papers that he had signed for just before he had been sent away - the name had been burned into his mind for keepsakes.

 " _Yes I'm Paul. Can I ask why you're calling?_ " he says not liking the sudden call that seemed to have come out of nowhere.

 " _Yes of course. However I'm afraid I'm not calling with good news… Late last night Niall Horan was found on his ward with severe injuries to both wrists. He was brought into out hospital facility where we tried to stabilise him, however our attempts were unsuccessful and I regret to inform you that he passed away… I'm very sorr-_ "

 The rest of whatever is being said drowns out and all he can do is reply the last sentence in his head over and over. Niall… Niall had passed away? He couldn’t of, surely not? This had to be some sort of mistake. He remembered seeing the boy the day he left. He could remember kneeing down to his level smiling at him, telling him that everything would work out in the end. He had known himself that it was a lie - but he would have told Niall anything at that point to get the boy to go quietly so as he wouldn’t be sedated. But as always nothing had seemed to go to plan and no less than five minuets later the boy had been falling limp.

 But now, now he had to go through the same thing again with Harry. How was he meant to tell the boy what had happened? How could he sit there and explain that Niall had taken his life and was no longer here? How could he explain that he was never going to see him again - never talk to him again, never look him in the eyes and tell him he loved him?

 He gets to his feet slowly steadying himself against the table for support. The lady on the other end of the phone is still talking to him, asking him if he's okay, if he's heard everything she's been saying to him.

 " _Yes, yes I'm still here. Sorry I just, I just need a moment_ " he tells her staring around the small office unsure of what to do first.

 " _No, of course, I understand this must be quite a shock for you… I'm so sorry for your loss. You were named as the first contact on his entrance form_ " he continues keeping professional the whole and Paul briefly wonders how someone can seem so unattached when speaking about someone's life like this.

 " _Yes that’s right. I looked after Niall for three years while he was here…_ " he tells her idly placing a hand to face running it down his cheeks as the information tries to sink in.

 " _I'm so sorry_ " she repeats and Paul can tell she doesn't know what else to say.

 " _No, it's… Thank you for letting me know_ " he says softly as a way of ending the call, he might as well give someone the escape that he no longer has the pleasure of.

 She gives him a final apology and ends the call. A moment passes as he stands there listening to the dial tone blare angrily at him before he too hangs up and rests against the wall staring up at the cracks in the ceiling.

 He knows deep down that he still has a job to do and being the bearer of bad news naturally falls so effortlessly on his shoulder. But for now he just wants to allow himself a moment to grieve before he watches everyone do the same - just a second to think and gather his thoughts.

 He finds himself still standing there head upturned towards the bright lights ten minuets later and decides to make a move. In one swift gesture he gathers up all of his paperwork and dumps it into a cardboard box labelled " _Audit_ " to read later. Then pulling his key card from his jacket he swipes the door behind him open and carries the box with him.

 While walking back he runs sentences through his head in a effort to find the right words to tell people. First he has to inform Sandy, Dan, Jon and Josh before he tells the other boys. But some part of him wonders whether it might be best to leave oblivious to the news and let them just continue to be happy the way they are. Perhaps its something he might run past the others and see what they think is best for once.

 The ward seems fairly calm when he returns - which is a miracle in itself. Zayn's and Liam are sat with Dan playing a video game in the den, both looking engrossed and overall content. Harry's sat with Jon going over what's looks to be maths questions in the study, although he still has that blank look about him. But for now at least he's doing something other than staring out of the window.

 At last he spies Louis complaining to Josh in his room about the others boys lack of carrots on his place for lunch today. It seems that carrots are to be his new obsession for the week.

 As soon as he walks into the room Louis's head snaps up to stare at him, eyes narrowing into slits before the realisation kicks in and he jumps off the bed to greet him full force.

 " _Good afternoon Your Majesty. Welcome back to our hallowed abode. Do come in and join us on this fine day_ " he says making a show of leading him into the room with an array of hand gestures and dramatic movements.

 He manages a small smile before turning to look at Louis seriously, crossing his arms and preparing himself to be met with Louis fierce defiance. Louis seems to know what's coming and tilts his head to the side once again narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

 " _Louis, would you mind giving us a moment please?_ " he asks the shorter boy.

 Much to his surprise Louis only huffs and mumbles something about Paul being stupid followed by another round of hushed insults and leaves the room in a dramatic fashion slamming the door behind him.

 He hears Josh laugh behind him and turns to find him shaking his head slightly at the boys actions.

 " _He can be so childish when he wants to be. Almost makes me forget that he's capable of ripping my throat out when he wants to_ " Josh says eyes sparkling with amusement as he turns to look at Paul dropping the smile. " _So? What did you want to talk about. From the look on your face I can only assume it's not going to be anything pleasant_ "

 He grimaces before letting out a breathy sigh and rubbing a hand though his short hair. He settles on the side of Louis bed next to Josh pausing for a moment trying to find the right words.

 " _I had a call today from the hospital Niall was sent to_ " he starts watching as Josh states at him in shock.

 " _Oh… What did they say?_ " he asks back urging Paul to continue and Paul knows he's got the his attention now.

 " _They called to let me know that Niall had been rushed into their hospital late the other night. He was found in his room baring injuries across his wrists… He didn’t survive_ "

 A horrible silence falls across the room almost as if the while world has fallen quiet at the news and Paul wishes he could be anywhere else right now as long as he is far, far away from where he is right now. Josh has taken a deep breath in and has yet to let it go like his brain has forgotten that he actually needs air to live. He lets his head fall into his hands and stares long and hard at the floor.

 " _I don’t know what to tell Harry… I just don’t know if I can face him right now_ " he tells Josh hoping that the other can offer some advice or guidance - anything at all.

 " _I don’t you'll have too_ " Josh says in such a small voice besides him and when Paul glances back to him he finds Josh's gaze elsewhere aimed towards the door.

 He turns curious to see what he's looking at only to gape in horror when he finds Harry stood there frozen in shock with his hand still on the door handle, tears running down his cheeks.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we have it! I hope you enjoyed reading the next instalment. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long as this one did.
> 
> Oh and Louis's quote: "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes…" is taken from Macbeth. 
> 
> As always this is cross-posted on to my Tumblr Blog - Narrywings - as well.


	6. So I feel the need to address a few things...

* * *

First of all I hope everyone's doing well and having  good start to the year! It felt like last year went WAY too fast and it wasn't the best of years I've ever had so heres to hoping this one is much better! :)

Okay so I feel I need to address some things with the story due to the HUGE amount of feedback I have had since posting the last chapter…

So to start with I'm really grateful to everyone who has given me feedback - you literally have no idea how much it means to share my writings with people and have them actually enjoy reading my musings. I'm so glad so many people are enjoying the story so far to the point where they write comments and let know what they think. So a MASSIVE thank you to you all!

Of course to anyone who can related to the characters on a personal level I hope you're getting through the day and can find comfort in knowing that you are never truly alone! I worry a lot about people having relapses while reading my work and naturally I don’t want this to happen. So please, please, please if you feel this way talk to someone, anyone. I'm always here for anyone who needs someone to talk to, or just wants a quick chat! :D

I've had a lot of people messaging me asking about my inspiration for the story and how I get inspired to write it. One of my main influences has to be music. Honestly I had Wonderwall by Oasis and My Salvation by Gabrielle Aplin on repeat while I was writing chapter 5. (if you haven't heard either of these songs I highly recommend going and having a listen. Both represent Narry's relationship _so_ well). Both the songs have such an emotional feel to them and I just have this imagine of Niall being led away while my salvation plays in the background (yes I little strange I know...) I also draw inspiration from my own personal experiences and things that have happened to people I know. A lot of Zayns back story and illness come from a close friend of mine.

The next I wanted to walk about is Niall's sudden passing in the story…

I had a huge amount of people message me about this on Tumblr and mentioned it in comments. This was something that was planned from the beginning and will have an impact on the plotline naturally. But I ask that people please stick with the story and I promise things will get better. As for whether Niall will return… Well the hospital he was sent to should answer this question. (Take that as you will).

 As for Harry, well He's going to have a rough patch for while I guess, but in the end I hope to give him a happy ending!

I'm currently in the process of writing the next chapter should _hopefully_ it shouldn't be too long until it's uploaded.

I also want to ask about how people feel about me writing a few extra one shots for the story. I want to explore other sides of the story such as Louis first year at the hospital and Narry's first meeting when they were younger, or what happened to Niall's parents. So if anyone wants to see some of those drop me message and let me know, or if you have any other points in the story you would like to read more about feel free to suggest things! :D

Well that's all I wanted to say. A bit long winded I know...

Again thank you to everyone who has read the story so far, it means a great deal to me and I truly hope you are enjoying it.

* * *


	7. Kinetic Energy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no other reason for the lateness of this chapter other than having a few issues to work out. Oh and Teen Wolf have taken over my life! This chapter is inspired a little be the recent episodes from season 3B so be prepared it gets a little deep at times...

* * *

 

**Kinetic Energy: energy which a body possesses by virtue of being in motion.**

No one dares to breath for moment, they simply sit (or stand in Harry's case) frozen staring at each other in a lock down. The air is tense and would have been awkward for a bystander simply watching on from the sidelines. Paul's thankful that none of the other boys have chosen this moment to wander in - because God knows what he would say to any of them right now. It's bad enough that Harry has walked in on the discussion as it is. But at the back of his mind Paul can't help but wonder if this was for the best really. He had after all been thinking about not telling the curly haired boy at all; so maybe in the end this was a good thing. At least now everything was out in the open.

However the look on Harry's face makes him think twice about that.

He's still stood in the doorway staring at him with such a hurt expression as if Paul is the only person in the world he can see right now; as though he holds all the answers and maybe he does right now.

Harry's hand is resting weakly on the handle where he had pushed the door open, body leaned forward like he was about to walk in. His body is trembling slightly, something he knows can't be from the cold, so he can only guess it's either the effects of shock or immense grief.

He feels the guilt rise within him as Harry slowly shakes his head at him and for once he knows Harry's default emotion isn't going to be anger.

He watches as the boy sinks to the floor hard, letting his hand drop from the handle as he kneels. He brings a hand to his chest fisting the fabric there like a life line letting the sobs rack his body.

" _No…_ " he breathes staring at the floor in disbelief." _No, he can't, he can't be gone_ " he whispers brokenly and shakes his head again. " _He… He can't be_ " he whispers once more and lifts his head to meet Paul's misty eyes. _"P-please, please Paul… He's not, he can't be_ " he begs brokenly laying his whole heart on display for all to see.

Paul's never wished for anything to so badly be a lie. He's never wanted so desperately to be lying in his life. Right now in this moment he wishes nothing more than to be able to break into bouts of laughter and tell Harry that this has all been one big joke that everyone's been in on. He wishes he could watch as Harry jumps to his feet and shouts accusations at him before storming off to go and find Niall and snuggle up with him on the sofa. He wishes he could watch them sit together curled up in front of the TV watching that blasted " _Stepbrothers_ " movie that Niall's so fond of. He wishes he could watch Niall and Zayn draw all over blank sheets of paper until they're a mess of colour and random swirls. He wishes he could see Niall and Liam sat reading through Liam's many reading aids listening as Niall helps Liam with his pronunciation of each word that he stumbles over. He longs for the chance to witness Niall and Louis have one of their famous discussions over stupid topics like the pros and cons of stairs vs. elevators.

But now none of that will happen anymore, none of it _can_ happen anymore, and he can't help but feel just that little responsible for it.

He cant help but just watch Harry sit there for a moment on the ground sobbing into his hands as his world most likely falls apart all over again. But he knows he can't leave him there like that and so with a heavy heart and misty eyes he pulls himself together and stands up. Four measured steps and he's standing there in front of the boy with a much closer view of the devastation he feels so responsible for. He reaches down curling his hands around Harry's bony wrists gently pulling him up to his feet.

  
" _Come on Harry, up you get_ " he tells him softly placing an arm around his back and leading him away from Louis's room and down the hall to his own.

  
" ** _Why_** _is this happening? This can't be real, it can't be real_ " Harry continues to whisper repeatedly as they enter his once shared room with Niall.

  
Carefully he places Harry down on Niall's old bed as he pulls back the covers on the boys own bed and puffs out the pillows there. He goes to lead Harry to it, so as he can coax him into sleep and let him rest before he properly explains the situation, but Harry shakes his head and doesn't take the hand offered to him. Instead he lays down where he is against the soft cocoon of pillows and stares up at him through misty eyes.

  
" _No, I want to stay where he used to be_ " he tells him brokenly, voice so quiet and unlike his usual boisterous tone.

  
Paul has to look away and blink back the tears for a second before facing him again offering him a firm nod along with sad attempt at a smile. He then pulls the covers on the bed from underneath him and the draws them over his vulnerable frame.

  
" _Okay, but keep these over you alright? Don't want you catching a cold now do we?_ " He says as an attempt to lighten a situation that can't possibly be made better.

  
He knows it's a long shot and in the end nothing will make any of this better. Nothing can replace Niall for Harry and no amount of distraction will hide the fact that the blonde is no longer there anymore.

Right now Harry probably truly believes that his life is over - after all the boy he had literally doted on was gone. His whole _world_ was gone and there was nothing he nor anyone else could do to fix that now.

  
So instead he makes the decision to stay and watch until the boy eventually falls to sleep. It ends up being for nothing as ten minuets later he wakes again from the nightmares that plague him. Paul reaches for him when the curly haired boy shouts out and whispers soothing words to him as he tries to drag him out of his own mind and back into reality.

But Harry kicks and screams and shouts out for Niall, his mum, his sister. He begs for the people who are no longer with him, the people who have been forced to walk away. He cries and breaks down to pieces and coughs and chokes on the heavy sobs that his body emits. He looks so scared kneeling there in the middle of the bed and for once looks his age and not like the stony faced boy he usually tries to portray. Right now he's just a terrified teenager whose afraid of his own personal demons that haunt him.

So Paul does his best to settle him, repeating positive promises and kind words to him. It must help somewhat and Harry calms slightly - still crying but lacking the fight he'd shown only moments before. Once he'd fully awake and slightly calmer Paul tries to coax him back to sleep again, only to begin the whole process again.

He only tears himself away from the boy when Sandy, Dan, Jon and Josh come in to let him know they're off. He even stays whilst the night shift come onto the ward to check the boys are all safe and in their beds. He explains the situation and they nod to him sadly in understanding and toss a look of sympathy to Harry. He tries to imagine if the boy had been awake, tries to imagine the scowl he would have thrown their way out of stubborn pride.

  
He truly has no idea how they're going to get through this. But there's one thing he knows for sure - Harry isn't ever going to fully recover from this.

  
-X-

  
Two days later finds no change in the situation. Oddly enough Harry doesn't ask anymore questions about Niall after the first night. Instead he keeps himself to himself and sits alone in the den making pillow forts and hiding away inside them sleeping.

  
It's a heart wrenching sight considering it used to be one of Niall and Harry's favourite activities on the ward. He doesn't have the heart to move him from the den, only for lunch. The other boys know something is wrong, they end up avoiding him mostly unnerved by Harry's eerily silence and blank expressions.

  
Louis dares to make several comments during the days that followed the news. Harry doesn't even look at him when he does and he certainly doesn't give Louis the reaction that he's looking for. So the chestnut haired boy quickly becomes bored and leaves him be, but not before twisting his face into a look that could almost be mistaken for concern.

  
It's like watching someone go through life in a daze. The curly haired boy does as he's asked and he goes to breakfast, dinner and lunch without complaint. He sits through Jon's lectures and attends Lou's therapy sessions silently and won't say a word.

As he had apparently told Josh, he didn't have a fight left in him anymore. It was although his will to actually live had evaporated from him.

  
Not that Paul was very much surprised in all honesty. Harry's life had practically revolved around Niall and had most likely done ever since they had met and started dating. It's was scary just how much Harry actually relied on Niall despite it looking to everyone else that it was the other way around. So when he thought about the reaction that Harry had had it all made complete sense - neither of them had gone a day apart in over 5 years.

  
He knocked out of these musings when a figure steps in front of his makeshift desk set up in the study where the boys have their lessons with Jon. A glance up and he sees Harry hovering and he quickly forces a smile to his lips. The curly boy is stood awkwardly, hands shoved deep in his pockets, kicking the floor with the toe of his shoe.

  
" _Harry_ " he says casually brushing aside a few paper giving him his full attention. " _What can I do for you?_ "

  
A pang of worry flickers through him as he watches Harry raise his head and look at him through a mop of curls that have fallen into line of sight. He then shuffles on his feet again and pulls at the cuffs of his jumper distractedly.

" _I was just thinking and I guess… Well I just thought that…_ " he trails off and engages the floor in a staring contest again.

Paul waits patiently knowing that Harry will continue when he's ready. He's still worried though, especially now that Harry has said he's been thinking. Thinking is the _last_ thing he wants him to be doing after all that’s happened.

  
" _I want to go to Niall's funeral_ " the Cheshire lad says a strong sense of determination resounding in his voice.

  
Paul instantly finds himself taken aback by the sudden firm decision from the boy. He wonders faintly if this is one of things that's been plaguing Harry mind for the last few days. He knows that’s it'sbeen something that has flicked across his own mind from time to time. He feels like he at least owes it to Niall to show up for it - again he can't help but think that he has played apart of Niall's death.

  
" _Oh right..._ " He says clearing his throat as a silence settles over the room. " _Well I'll call Greg and find out what arrangements have been made_ " he promises.

  
Harry nods to him eyes unchanging from that hardened look, he glances to the floor before bringing his eyes back up again staring straight at him.

  
" _...Thank you_ " he says softly before he turns on heel and leaves the room closing the door behind him with a soft click.

  
-X-

  
Liam's sat in the den when he sees Harry come slouching back into the room and move into the small fort he'd made earlier. He watches sadly as the curly haired boy sinks the floor and crawls in making himself comfortable before curling up and presumably going back to sleep.

It's become a routine over the past few days and he and the others had grown increasingly curious as to what was going on.

Louis had made many remarks towards Harry since Niall had left. He would comment on how Harry always seemed to be alone now and spitefully ask why - despite already knowing exactly why. He'd also taken to leaving many of Niall favourite things lying about the den - such as the ' _Stepbrothers_ ' movie that had been brought a while back. It was all very cruel and sometimes Liam really wanted to punch Louis square in the face for it. But he knew exactly where that would get him and would instead throw Harry a look of sympathy.

Surprisingly though Harry never made any attempt to get Louis back. Neither did he say anything in retaliation - which was probably what was bothering Louis. Instead he would float back to the safety of his man-made nest of blankets, which was one of the many things that broke Liam's heart to watch.

It was almost as if Harry was _mourning_ , like Niall was dead rather than elsewhere. Liam knew from past experience what it was like to loose someone, and he knew what it was like to mourn for that person since he had gone through it himself. So as he watched Harry move around in his daze he started to pinpoint the familiar behaviour.

He was no psychologist - and therefore he couldn’t make any official diagnosis for Harry - but he could make the connections.

He knows that blank look anywhere. He's familiar with that lack of wanting to do anything but sleep and hide away from the world. He's _been_ through that urge to lash out at the world and _hate_ everyone so passionately - and he knows what it feels like to be so very alone and isolated.

Harry's depressed. Maybe to the point of suicide, no one really knows the state of his mind because Harry never truly opens up to anyone who isn't Niall.

But Liam _worries_ , he worries so badly for each of the boys because he knows what's it's like to feel like no one else in the whole world cares about you. He remembers the feeling of wanting someone _anyone_ to reach out and tell him that they care - that they're _worried_ and want to help.

So he takes the time to make sure each one of them is okay (or as okay as they all can be). But Harry never lets anyone that close, won't let people get under his skin and into his mind.

Perhaps Harry knew something they didn’t. Maybe he had been told more than them - which could be anything that Harry knew because nothing had really been said to the rest of them and there had never been any official announcement.

  
Liam has a few ideas as to what happened with Niall but he doesn't know if any of them are even close to the truth. But what he does know for sure is that Harry's odd behaviour is obviously linked to Niall's abrupt disappearance from the hospital.

There's nothing else in the world that could cause such a reaction from the curly haired boy. Niall had seemed to be the only person in the world who could hold his attention for longer than a minuet at a time - and so Harry wasn't taking his sudden absence very well at all.

  
He doesn't exactly know what happened with Niall, only that when he came out from Quarantine the boy had disappeared. Harry doesn't talk about it either and whenever he asks once of the staff they simply say that it was something to do with the people higher up. It doesn't really make any sense to him. Niall had never done anything wrong as far as he was aware and so his sudden disappearance had caused a lot of unrest on the ward.

  
Louis had had another breakdown over it and demanded to see Niall. However when he had been denied he'd broken down in tears and not said anything more for over three days. Zayn had taken to drawing images that he believed represented Niall such as shamrocks. He now had a good three pages covered in them - all various sizes and shapes. Zayn wasn't one for speaking anyway and would only engage in conversations when he believed he had something important to say.

  
So Liam had found himself feeling a little isolated on the ward. He had always enjoyed talking to Niall when he was upset or really irritated. The younger boy had a very calming aura about him and would simply sit there and listen contently with a soft smile; nodding and shaking his head at the right times.

  
But now he didn't have Niall and his only outlet to speak to was Lou or one of the other staff, who just weren't the same as an attentive Niall. Louis really couldn't care less at times and for the moment seemed to be on a mission to drive Josh stir crazy. Zayn was good for a while but it would always quickly become apparent that he was more interested in whatever he was sketching at the time - he just didn't have the same patient attention span that Niall held. That left Harry - who was most of the time sleeping in his make shift dens at staring idly out of windows without a care in the world. It seemed that no one really could compare to Niall.

He just wouldn’t move from the fort of sheets he had made the day that they had found out Niall had been taken away. He would cocoon himself up in the blankets he had place inside and sleep the whole day away only leaving for the occasion toilet break, food and finally back to his room to sleep some more. According the conversation he had overheard from Josh and Paul he had also taken to sleeping on Niall's old bed too, curling up in his abandoned sheets still on the bed.

Paul had tried to remove them and leave the bed bare but Harry had fiercely fought against him and out of a final act of kindness Paul had left them behind.

From what Liam could tell Harry seemed to be a shell of himself - like Niall had taken the boys will to live and drive to get better with him.

For Harry without Niall being there it seemed like there was no point in getting better and living.

So all he can do for now is keep watch and make sure that Harry doesn't take his sadness too far. He'll watch over him until Niall comes back. He's sure he will eventually because those two can never stay away for too long can they?

  
-X-

Harry's been counting the days.

It's seems a little sad when he thinks about it. Maybe even a little stupid - but it's all he feels like doing anymore. Lou says it's a perfectly normal reaction, although he's not sure who to trust these days…

It's a little bit like being underwater. He can hear all of these different voices each calling to him, but it's all muffled and he can't distinguish between them anymore. He guesses that this is a good thing really because in all honestly he doesn't want to talk to anyone anyway. Why on earth would he?

Paul had betrayed him, and he's not entirely sure if the others had been involved or not; although he's highly suspicious of Sandy and the fact he wasn’t on the ward the day Niall had left.

But his sudden lack of desire to connect with anyone is a recent revelation he's come to. There's no one here that he honestly likes.

Liam always worries over every little thing and is so ridiculously sympathetic toward everyone. He's tries to make everything better with those soft glances and understanding words. It makes his skin crawl slightly and unravels old memories of his mothers kind touch. He hates that about Liam, he brings up old memories that he should have been long forgotten - memories that were until recently packed away at the back of his mind.

Zayn is too calm. He's more than happy to sit contently drawing while the ward turns into chaos. He can even turn a blind eye to Louis ruthless prodding when he's chilled out. It makes his blood boil the way he can sit and not care as the quirk boy shouts his mouth off. He doesn't know why - in all honesty it shouldn’t bother him, after all it's Zayn's business. But he can’t help the sharp twist in his stomach as he watches the dark haired boy simply continue to scrawl across the pages pencil in hand. His silences can be eerily too, but he does make good company for when Harry used to wait for Niall to finish his therapy sessions. But that's about the only use Zayn had to him, and now that Niall was no longer here (at all) the tanned boy was pretty much useless to him.

That left Louis, who was for the most part a living nightmare. He had no respect for privacy or personal space. He literally had no boundaries and so if he wanted to say something he was just going to come out and say it despite what other people may think or feel. He didn’t really seem to care for others peoples feeling or opinions. It was probably one of the most annoying things about him as far as his personality went. He never seemed to be on the ward most of the time either, but he still managed to cause havoc all the same. He was so selfish too and only cared for his own needs. In fact the only time he ever really showed any sort of interest in other people around him was when he wanted to know what was happening to them - and that was only because he was a nosy fucker.

All in all he was completely fed up with the people around him and was almost tempted to wind Louis up to the point where he went on a killing spree and murdered everyone for him - it would certainly save a job.

He'd never felt like this before. Niall had been so good at filling the gaping hole in his life and had provided all the companionship that he had ever needed in his life. He was the reason he had never felt the need to seek out other friends to keep him occupied - not that he had ever really had friends before anyway. Niall had provided comfort for him when he had been upset, Niall had been there when he needed someone to pick him up or encourage him, he'd done everything. Why would he go and actively seek out anyone else?

It was only now he was beginning to realise just how much he had relied on the smaller boy. Everyone had always seemed to think it was the other way around and that Niall relied on him for everything. But it wasn't like that at all…

Harry relied on Niall just as much.

Deep within the cocoon of covers and pillows Harry clenched his fist and squeezed his eyes shut trying to keep the tears at bay.

He'd been keeping to hiding away inside pillow forts since Niall had left. It felt safe and reminded him of much happier times watching Niall strategically place the pillows around them so as the walls didn’t fall in upon them. Watching his face light up when they were done and throw down the blankets and sheets for comfort.

If he concentrates hard enough he can almost picture Niall being there with him leaning against his chest breathing calmly as he reads one of the books from the library. He can almost hear him nattering away in his ear as he listens to him talking away about the future and the little house in Ireland that they were going to have with a white picket fence and vegetable patch.

A future that had died along with Niall.

-X-

The rooms white, bright white and empty other than the bed he's sat on.

There's a single window on the far wall that’s ajar blowing the thin white curtain in an invisible breeze. It's almost serene and for once in a very long time he feels content, at peace with himself.

" _Harry?_ " a voice coos to him softly.

He blinks and looks around the room in confusion. He'd thought he was alone, at least that’s how he had wanted it. He half wonders if this is a new room within quarantine - but the open window makes him think twice.

He throws his legs over the side of the bed and makes his way towards one of the bare walls.

" _Harry?_ " the voice calls again and Harry turns around to face whoever's calling him.

To his surprise no ones there.

Instead the window that was there before is gone and in it's place is a white door a golden handle glistening against the stark contrast.

Oddly he doesn't feel scared, in fact he's almost dare he say happy?

The whole building feels calm and lacks the buzz of apprehension and anxiety that he often feels on the ward and hospital in general.

He moves towards the door and reaches out twisting his hand around the handle and pushing it open. A corridor reveals itself stretching out for what looks like miles. However it looks different to the room behind him and is decorated with a wooden floor and simple patterned wallpaper. There's an array of pictures hanging on the wall lining the corridor, and it's almost like looking back on a picture book of his life. He recognises so many people and memories displayed before him, but some of them are unfamiliar and he doesn't know a few faces. What's even more surprising is that Liam, Zayn and Louis are also there smiling back at him arms around each others shoulders grinning out at him in a way that's alien to him. Niall's there too, standing in the middle of the frame with him behind a wide smile on his pale face arms wrapped around him.

He takes an intake of breath reaching for the frame to get a closer look.

" _Harry!_ "

He jolts back and stares back down the hall - the voice is getting louder.

Where the hell is he? Why is he here? Who the hell is calling him?

He takes off running pushing his body to move faster despite being so out of shape due to not going for his gym sessions lately. His movements are sluggish and lack the drive he'd had before. But the corridor is still stretching out before him almost like it never ends. He pauses leaning over to take deep intakes of air into his lungs.

" _Harry_ "

His head shoots up and he chokes.

There standing before him is his mother and sister.

His mother is wearing that same dress the night he last saw her. She's crying and her hairs a mess and hanging out from the bun she'd styled it into. Her usual rosy cheeks are black and blue and the mascara she's so carefully applied is streaking down her cheeks in black rivets.

Gemma looks no better stood there in her best pair of heels, the straps broken from when she'd come rushing up the stairs shouting for him and Niall. Her cheeks are wet too and tear tracks are still trailing down her pale skin which makes him feel a little nauseous.

" _M-mum? Gem?_ " he whispers still breathing heavily - but now for different reasons.

What they _hell_ are they doing here? _Why_ are they here? He'd asked for them specifically not to be able to see him. So why now, and who the _hell_ had let them get in?

" _It's time Harry_ " he mother tells him gently reaching out her hand.

" _What?_ " he asks moving back slightly at the words. " _What are you talking about? Time for what?_ "

Gemma smiles sadly at him and reaches for him too as he takes a step back.

" _It's time to forgive yourself Harry_ " she says taking a step forward. " _Time to let go and move on_ "

His eyes widen as the fear settles in on him. How the hell do they…

His mother reaches forward again and he finds himself walking backwards to avoid the outstretched hand. His back ends up hitting the wall behind him but his mother is still advancing. There's no where to run now, all of his escape routes are blocked by astrals from the past.

Arms reach around him and pull him close cradling him in the safety of his mothers embrace. How long had it been since this had happened? How long had he craved for this, for motherly affection and to know she still cared?

His eyes well up and he buries his head into her shoulder sobbing heavily as he clutches at her. He'd waited so long to be forgiven, to break away from this past. But was this really it? Could he really move on now?

" _It's okay Harry, it's okay sweetheart. It was never your fault, you weren't to blame_ " she says softly whispering assurances to him as he stands there feeling six years old again.

Behind him Gemma smiles proudly giving him a nod and a quick thumbs up. He tries to smile back, but it must have a looked a little off as she chuckled at his attempt. His mother laughs too as she runs her fingers through his curly locks.

" _You've grown taller again_ " she comments idly. " _You're all grown up now, but that doesn't mean I'll never not need you. You'll always be my baby_ "

He blinks from her shoulder and moves back to look at her properly smiling up at him now looking much better. Her hairs all tied back up again properly and her face is clear of the previous bruising from before - she's even wearing a brand new dress and summer sandals. Behind her Gemma's the same, dressed to impress with that impish smile on her face. Both of them look so different - yet happy. It brings a smile of his own to his face.

" _It-It's going to be okay now isn't it?_ " he asks trying to hold his smile.

His mother smiles back and takes Gemma's hand as they both turn to walk away.

" _Of course it's going to be okay, this isn't some "Ghost" shit you know_ " Gemma calls over her shoulder. " _But yeah… You're going to be fine Harry_ " she adds with a soft smile as they start to fade away.

His eyes widen in realisation and he moves to reach for them and pull them back, unwillingly to let them go.

" _Wait!_ "

But he's too late and he's been left alone again in the corridor now with a single door ahead of him. It's almost as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders and an eerily sense of calmness falls over him as he takes the last few steps to the door. His fingers outstretched to the golden handle yanking down and then forward. Pushing through his feet step onto green foliage that gives slightly beneath him.

  
There's a stretch of blue sky above speckled with white cotton and for miles around all he sees is rolling green hills like something straight out of a cheery nature documentary.

  
His narrowed eyes scan along the greenery, taking in a sight he's never really witnessed in person before, and land on a figure not too far from him sitting picking at the grass. He starts off towards them hoping that he's not about to encounter another spectral from the past.

  
But just a few steps away from them, he stops as his brain begins to connect the dots. Blonde hair, pale skin, bright blue eyes, and that annoyingly familiar song they're humming. His heart clenches in his chest, a chain twisted tightly around it pulling.

  
Body frozen, he can't move any closer, and maybe that's a good thing in the end he thinks. At least now he can't do any more damage.

  
Yet fate, ever cruel to him, won't let him be and as he turns to walk away back towards the house he came from a voice floats towards him calling for him.

  
" _Harry?_ " Niall says from behind him.

  
Biting his cheek he wills his feels not to turn and instead carry on going. But for some reason he's never been able to deny Niall and he blames that for why he spins round to face him.

  
His beyond perfect boyfriend is sitting there half turned to him staring up at him with those beautiful blue eyes that he could literally fall into. He has one eye brow raised and a devoid of the nervous, shy aura he had been expecting. Instead he looks relaxed, and dare he say it, calm despite the fact he'd been alone only two minuets previous.

  
It's quite clear at this point he's gone completely stir crazy and dreamed this all up to torture his already broken mind. But even if he has lost his mind he wishes that it wouldn't conjure Niall up, anyone but Niall. After all more than anything in the world he wants Niall back in his life. So to see him now in front of him looking reasonably content and cheerful is heartbreaking beyond belief because he knows he's not truly here.

  
Before he can stop himself the blondes name falls from his lips and he receives a smile in return. The Irish boy taps the space next to him for Harry to sit down besides him and he finds his traitorous body moving on command.

  
But now he's next to him he can see him much clearer. Bright blue eyes, and a slight patch of red in his cheeks and those precious few freckles scattered across his skin.   
It feels like he hasn't see him in years and he winces as sharp stab of fear strikes him.

  
What if he forgets what Niall looks like one day? What if one day he can't remember his perfect smile and those cute crinkles that accompany his bubbly laughter? He'd already forgotten what shade of pink Niall's lips were and how pretty his eyes were when the light hit them just so. He really can't bare to forget again. To him these small details are _so_ important.

  
Niall must sense his unrest beside him and he feels a firm hand fall onto his thigh offering comfort and a reassuring squeeze.

  
" _Hey, what's wrong?_ " He asks softly conveying his worry across through his tone.

  
Harry turns his head to meet Niall's ever curious gaze and sighs at the comfort he finds in them.

  
" _I just... Wait, where are we? Why did I see my mum and sister? Am I dreaming? Why are you so calm? Why am **I** so calm?_ " He rambles letting out all the questions that had been bothering him since he had woken up back in the white room.

  
Niall grins back at him boyishly showing off his white teeth. The difference in him makes Harry weary. This boy here may look like _his_ Niall, but his doesn't _act_ like him. It's worrying, and while he'd love his Niall to act so carefree and without the constant fear, this new Niall should make him nervous.

  
But somehow, despite all the thoughts going round in his head, he can't find the emotion he's searching for.

  
" _Our conditions can't reach us here. In this place we're just Harry and Niall_ " he says as though it explains everything. " _You saw your mum and sister because you needed to. Think of it like it enabled you to move on in way, a way of letting go of the past and looking towards the future_ "

Harry sighs and glances at the sky again letting an invisible breeze pass over him.

" _I guess, I guess maybe that makes sense…_ " he whispers.

Maybe he did need to finally face them - it had been so long since he had last seen them. He wondered how they were doing faintly, he knew his mum has got straighten out. Was Gemma at university? Had she gotten into the one she'd had her eyes on? Was his mum living in the little cottage she'd always wanted to have?

Well as long as they were happy - that was all that mattered.

" _Maybe I should see them…_ " he mumbles as the thoughts continue to turn around his mind much slower than they usually did - a side effect from wherever they were he guessed.

Niall beams back at him at the decision looking pleased with both Harry and himself. He drops back onto his outstretched arms behind him and takes in the breeze that passes over them.

" _I think you should. There's no harm in doing so and who knows, maybe you really will feel better for it_ " he comments stating the words so easily.

The more he thinks about it, _really_ thinks about it, the better the idea truly sounds. He has nothing to loose now - and his mother has been trying for years, so maybe it was time to re-open the door he had shut so long before.

" _It's really is time to move on isn't it? That’s what everyone's telling me to do. I have to start living my life_ " he says to the blonde next to him furrowing his eyes in worry.

He'd never thought about moving on before - he'd simply figured he'd never needed to since Niall was always with him to distract him from their bleak shared past. But now Niall was no longer there he had been given the chance to see how badly he was still being haunted by the mistakes he'd made.

Niall laughs loudly in return, and it’s a _real_ laugh full of life and energy, not the soft giggles and discreet sniggers he's used to. The sound completely throws him off and he has to take a moment to tell himself that this boy in front of him really is Niall.

" _Don’t be silly Harry! Your life begins when **you** choose to start living_ " he laughs trying to hide the remaining giggles behind his hand.

Eyes wide and heart hammering in his chest - the realisation hits him like a brick to the face. Was it really that simple? Surely not, otherwise Lou would have slapped him stupid a long time ago and got him straightened out. But taking that step without Niall next to him…

Could he really do that?

His time to ponder on his thoughts comes to end, and when he next looks up Niall is no longer next to him. Instead the world around him is closing in; a dark shadow consuming the last remnants of the surrounding area.

He stands up watching it move closer and closer to him - but for some reason his fight or flight instinct doesn't kick in and neither does the urge to be afraid. In it's place is only a warm feeling of calm acceptance, and a grin fights it's way to his face as he spreads his arms wide and lets out a deafening roar of emotion as his world turns black.

-X-

Louis had decided early on that Harry was one of those frustrating types of people that you just want to punch the living crap out of.

He had one of those faces he decided as he sits next to Josh on the sofa staring at him with narrowed eyes.

He doesn't do a great deal these days and instead mopes about under a pile of bedding. All in all he bores Louis to tears, and simply watching him is enough to make Louis want to shred him to pieces brutally.

But at the same time his sudden sadness stirs a great need for him to actually ask what's wrong. All of the boys do when they're sad, whether it's Liam or Zayn or Niall - especially Niall because he always looks so cute and innocent when he's upset.

He's pretty sure it's because of his sisters. Whenever any of them had been upset he had taken it upon himself to talk to them and help work things out with them. Obviously now he doesn't get that chance and he's around 98.5% sure that his brain keeps making these stupid connections to try and get him to treat the other boys like the siblings he had lost. Of course the more better developed part of his brain keeps telling the stupid part of him that in no way, shape, or form is he to act on these emotions because it's a load of crap. He sure as hell doesn't share blood with these losers and so there's no need to act like a sap towards them.

But still, he can't help but think maybe he should. Naturally these thoughts only enter his mind towards the end of the day when his brain is beginning to tire of everyone else's shit. There's no way he would willing think about such things when he was in peak condition.

But even now as he watches Harry shuffle himself deeper into his man made pit of sloth he can't help but wonder if Harry knows something more that the rest of them are unaware of.

He knows that Niall's departure had freaked them all out. Because people don't just vanish into the freaking air! It had even thrown him off for a while - and he's the wards longest serving member so he's seen quite a few unusual things over the years. But no one has ever just vanished without a trace and he's beginning to wonder whether he trusts this crap about Niall being moved by the people in higher power that Josh had fed him.

Speaking of Josh that asshat had been pretty evasive when he had started questioning him over a casual game of Scrabble - for reasons unknown to him Josh had been extremely uncomfortable for the duration of the game. He'd been glancing down at the board (more specifically the words he was playing) and shifting ever so slightly away in a way he had found most intriguing.

However as soon as he had mentioned Niall's name and whether they had heard any news on him Josh had gone very still. In fact Louis has thought for a moment he might have had experienced a bout of temporary paralysis…

Annoyingly enough a second later he was giving off nervous laughter and making up a handful of poorly put together lies while Louis looked on in suspicion. At times he could be one of the transparent people he'd ever had the displeasure of dealing with; and quite frankly it pissed him more he liked to admit.

It wasn’t just Josh either that had started to act shifty whenever Niall was brought up. He'd had a similar experience with both Sandy and John, even Dan had flinched and given him a fleeting grim look when he casually mentioned Niall while flicking paper balls across the room.

It was all very odd.

People seemed to have a common belief that because he was apparently "mentally unstable" that he wouldn’t pick up on subtle changes and unusual occurrences around him. This was complete and utter bullshit. Louis always knew when something wasn’t right. In fact he was sure that _because_ he wasn’t all together he could pick up on these "anomalies" that were going off around them.

He just didn’t know what was exactly the cause yet.

Not that this mattered of course. Whatever it was it was bound to come to the surface eventually. If there was one thing he revelled in more than anything it was chaos, and he was pretty sure that when this bomb went off it was bound to be catastrophic…

-X-

  
Paul brings himself to call Niall's brother during the afternoon. He's been dreading it all day and trying to put it off for as long as he could. But the days beginning to fade and he's running out of time to sort it.   
Harry's going to come and ask him about it sooner or later, so he needs to be prepared for when he does.   
But now as he hold up Niall's old personal folder from the admin office he can't help but feel the dread welling up inside him.   
How is he going to ask Greg? How is Greg going to respond? Does he apologise? Does he try and avoid the issue as much as he can? Or does he try and help Greg make sense of what's happened?  
The questions whirl round his mind in a tangled mess as he starts to punch into the familiar number into the keypad. A ringing sounds in the receiver as he waits anxiously for someone to pick the call up tapping his fingers against the wooden desk.   
" _Hello?_ " A voice says on the other end, and he'd recognise that feminine Irish accent anywhere.   
" _Denise_ " he says cheerily. " _It's Paul from Betwixt and Between_ " he explains trying to keep his voice level.   
" _Oh Paul!_ " She cries happily. " _It's so good to hear from you. Greg was going to call you, but it seems you've beaten him to it_ " she says softly.   
Paul forces a smile to his face. He can imagine Greg now, anxious as ever worried for his younger brother, he's surprised that he's not come over to visit already.   
" _It's good to hear you too. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier_ " he says trying to sound as sympathetic as he can.   
" _Oh no don't you worry, I'll go fetch Greg for you_ " she tells him quickly and from the sounds of it goes rushing off to find her husband.   
He hears the rustling on the other end of the phone and the sound if Denise calling Greg from upstairs. Another round of muffled sounds come from the other end before someone finally speaks and Paul wishes the moment could have lasted longer - he's still unsure as to whether _he's_ even ready for this.

" _Hello?_ " the voice on the other end of the phone calls sounding thick and a little gruff.

Pain swipes at Paul on the other end as he takes a breath. So it seems Greg had been told after all. The cheery tone in Denise's voice had thrown him off for a moment, but now hearing Greg made it quite clear that they were aware.

" _Greg_ " he says clearing his throat a little trying to dislodge the lump that sitting there.

" _Ah Paul, I was wondering when you might call. I'm sorry I haven't been down yet this month_ " he says gently and Paul wishes he wouldn’t try and be so nice.

He understands, he really does. It must be hard for him, loosing the last of his close family that he has left. So Paul doesn't expect him to keep his manners up, it's okay for him to be upset right now. Being nice just makes Paul feel all the more worst - especially when he feels partially responsible for what happened.

" _No please, don’t worry about it. I wasn’t expecting you to come down after what's happened_ " he tells him in response.

" _What's happened?_ " Greg questions in return.

" _Yes, I-I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm slightly to blame. Perhaps if he had never been sent to that other hospital I could have kept a closer eye on him. Then - maybe - this wouldn’t have happened_ " he explains placing his head in his hands regretfully.

" _Other hospital? Paul what are you talking about? What's happened?_ " Greg asks sounding painfully worried.

Paul goes silent as he processes what Greg's just said to him. He pulls the phone away to stare at it for a moment in shock, before placing it back to his ear. Could it be possible that Greg had never been informed of the decision that had been made to move Niall? No, it couldn’t be. They needed Greg's permission before they moved him, Greg was his legal guardian still after all since Niall had been declared mentally unstable.

" _Greg, Niall was transferred to another hospital… I thought, I thought you knew_ " he tells him softly listening to the sharp intake of breath on the other end.

" _What!? No one contacted me about it_ " Greg shouts down the phone. " _Why has no one told me about this? I never signed anything to okay this! Where have they taken him Paul?_ " he all but demands his voice dropping down to a deadly tone.

It's obvious that he's angry - and Paul doesn't blame him for being. But what pains him even more is that Greg's completely unaware. What pains him is that Greg doesn't know that Niall's not even _here_ anymore. What pains him is that he's the one who's now got to tell him that his little brother is dead.

But then if Greg was never contacted in the first place regarding the transfer…

" _Paul. Paul! Are you still there?_ "

Greg's voice pulls him back from his thoughts and his mind goes reeling at the sudden realisation. He sits there for a moment simply breathing before he brings himself back into focus.

Maybe, just maybe there was a way to fix this. Maybe there was a chance.

" _Greg? I'm, I'm going to have to call you back_ " he says slowly pulling his thoughts together and sifting through the paperwork on his desk.

" _What? Paul, wait. We've got to discuss this. Where's Niall? Where had they moved him to?_ " Greg demands frantically down the phone getting louder with each question.

" _I'll call you back. I've, I've got to and check something okay?_ " he tells him before lowing the phone just catching the trail ends of Greg's desperate protests.

He leans back in his chair for a moment after cutting the call off and _prays_ to whoever may be listening that his hunch is right. His hand reaches out to pick up Niall's record again and flips it open eyes scanning for the number he's looking for scribbled down in the corner. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he punches the digits into his phone and listens to the ringing patiently.

" _Good afternoon, Greenfields Mental Health Hospital_ " a soft female voice comes from the other end.

Paul takes a deep breath and steadies himself running though what he needs to say - what he needs to _know_.

" _Hello, my name is Paul Higgins. I'm calling from Betwixt and Between Mental Hospital. I'm calling to double check something regarding one of our ex-patients who was transferred to yourselves_ " he tells her trying to keep his voice level.

" _Okay_ " she says. " _Can I just start by taking some details then? What's their name?_ "

" _Niall, Niall Horan_ " he replies.

" _Okay, and what's his NH number?_ " she asks.

He reels off the number to her followed by his date of birth, date of entry to the hospital and last registered address.

" _So what was it you wanted to discuss?_ " she finally asks once the security check is cleared.

" _I had a call about a week and half ago saying that Niall had attempted suicide_ " he tells her.

" _I can confirm that’s correct_ " she tells him gently and Paul feels is heart drop.

So it really had happened. Niall really was gone.

He drops his head a little rubbing a hand across his forehead and down his face. Why is he doing this to himself? He already knows the truth, so why is he making it harder on himself. He knows he just doesn't want to believe it - anything to make this less painful.

" _So it's true then? He's, he's really gone?_ " he breathes down the phone.

He's dreading returning the call to Greg now. He just doesn't know how he's going to face him - how he's going to tell him.

" _Gone?_ " the lady at the end asks him.

" _Yeah I was told that he died after being taken to the hospital on your end_ " he says softly.

" _Well that’s not what I've got here on our files…_ " she says.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Gravitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Next chapter yay!! :D By the way just out of interest I was wondering if anyone had picked up the Kingdom hearts reference in this story at all? :)

 

* * *

 

 

“ _So it’s true then? He’s, he’s really gone?_ " he breathes down the phone.

He’s dreading returning the call to Greg now. He just doesn’t know how he’s going to face him - how he’s going to tell him.

“ _Gone?_ " the lady at the end asks him.

“ _Yeah I was told that he died after being taken to the hospital on your end_ " he says softly.

“ _Well that’s not what I’ve got here on our files…_ " she says.

                                  

* * *

 

 

 **Gravitation: A movement toward a source of attraction**.

 

Paul takes a deep breathe again allowing a whoosh of air into his lungs, and sits back in his chair letting his shoulders sag slightly. He doesn’t dare let the spike of hope in his chest rise; there’s no way he can handle anymore blows. Right now he knows for certain that one day this place is going to be the death of him.

“ _What do you mean?_ " he asks the lady on the other end of the phone hesitantly.

“ _Hold on one moment_ " she tells him, placing the call on hold, and letting an annoying tune that sounds eerily reminiscent of elevator music assault his ears.  

Paul sits up a little straighter in his chair feeling his heart hammer against his chest, hope rising tentatively. He doesn’t want to hold out too badly, but at the same time he just wants this to have been one stupid joke.

“ _Hello?_ " the lady says again turning off the awful music.

“ _Yes, yes I’m still here_ " he tells her.

“ _I’m so sorry_ " she says gently and Paul feels that brief spark of hope die and drain out of him as the crushing sense of reality returns and hits him like a truck.

He knew that he was just setting himself up for a fall. He knew that this would be the outcome, how could it be anything else?

“ _So he’s really gone?”_ he questions waiting for the confirmation he’s been dreading.

“ _Oh no!_ " she cries. " _I can confirm that we were told that he had attempted suicide, and it was declared that he had passed away after being taken down to our hospital - but this was an error._

 _From  what I can see on our files it looks like the paperwork was filled out incorrectly by one of our new nurses on the ward. Subsequently our admin team had put him down as being deceased_ " she confirms cheerily. " _I apologise, we should have called you back as soon as the error had been amended_ " she adds softly sounding apologetic.

The world grinds to a halt, and although Paul knows it’s impossible, he literally feels as though time has stopped around him. It takes him a moment to process what he’s just been told. A smile pulls at his lips, spreading across his face and he’s sure that this one reaches his eyes as water fills them. A hand comes up to his face, covering  eyes as relief floods his system.

“ _So he’s, he’s alive?_ " the older man breathes, wanting to hear someone tell him verbally - just wanting to hear confirmation.

“ _Yes_ " she says laughing a little. _“Yes, he’s alive. He’s still in our hospital unit at the moment recovering. Apparently our team would like to keep him in for another week before they discharge him. We’ve als-_ ”

He doesn’t hear the remainder of the conversation as the dam breaks and water trails down his cheeks.

                                                  -X-

Immediately after the conversation Paul calls Greg. It’s a difficult conversation as he tries his best to fill him in on everything that’s happened.

He tells him about the decision made by the Mental Health Authority, Niall’s transfer and then about his attempted suicide that had followed.

Naturally Greg isn’t happy, and he spends about an hour alternating between shouting and heatedly ranting at him down the phone. He doesn’t agree with the choices that have been made regarding Niall and is furious that he wasn’t contacted sooner.

So Paul advises that he give the Mental Health Authority a call - which he does - and even gives him the direct number for the man who had given the final okay to move Niall.

Greg ends up demanding that they transfer Niall back to Betwixt and Between immediately, and further tells them that he’s going to be making a formal complaint against the hospital that Niall had been sent to. He then calls Paul back and makes another demand telling him to go and collect Niall as soon as possible.

Of course Paul isn’t inclined to tell Greg no, and gets back in contact with Greenfields again to arrange to collect Niall.

They oppose against him at first, telling him that he can’t just come and take a patient without proper consent. To this Paul laughs and tells them he’s acting under direct orders from the Mental Health Authority; and that if they have a problem they should contact them. A short while later they call back to arrange for Paul to come and pick Niall up.

Greg calls him again a day later, still as riled up and just as angry (but not at him thankfully), and enquires about when he’s going to fetch Niall back. He also lets him know that he’s coming over in a weeks time to meet with the head of the Mental Health Authority regarding Greenfields and their involvement in Niall’s case, stressing that he’s prepared to take them to court over this. As far as the Mental Health Authority had been aware Greg had been contacted and informed about Niall’s transfer - which Greg had corrected them on as soon as they had tried to confirm this.

Paul decides against telling Harry anything about what’s happened for now. Instead he wants to wait until it’s all been finalised and Niall’s actually back. He can’t get Harry’s hopes up only to crush them again. He doesn’t want to shatter anymore of the curly haired lads trust in him - or what’s left of it.

Oddly the boy had been coping a little better. He was still as reclusive as ever but he wasn’t sleeping as much as he had been. Instead he had shown an interest in learning sign language and had taken out a few books regarding it. It was an interesting sight to behold watching as he twisted and turned his hands into the shapes scattered across the pages. He would furrow his eyebrows as he looked back and forth between his hands and book trying to assess as to whether he had done it right or not.

Naturally Paul was glad he had managed to open up a little bit more with Lou as well, and instead of giving her the bare minimum like he had been doing he’d started to talk about Niall. It had been a little bit of shock considering that if anyone so much as murmured his name Harry would send to the most scathing look their way.

But right now he _really_ doesn’t want to upset the routine that Harry has fallen into and figures he might as well leave him be until the arrangements concerning Niall have been confirmed.

He does however tell Josh, Sandy, Jon and Dan who are all delighted at the news - finally something good seems to have happened. They all agree on keeping the rest of the boys in the dark for now and as far as Zayn, Liam and Louis are aware Niall is still alive and well anyway. They don’t want anymore complications or tantrums from them seeing as things are just beginning to settle down where they’re concerned. 

Of course Louis seems to know that something has happened straight away. He’s taken to sneaking around pretending he’s some sort of James Bond hero, darting around corners and spying on them from behind the doors.

He nearly gives Josh a heart attack when he jumps onto his back while the poor lad was walking onto the ward one morning. Of course as normal Louis doesn’t seem to understand why it’s a problem to physically assault someone, and he ends up having a full on argument with Jon over the proper etiquette of greeting people.

All in all everyone seems much more happier on the ward and Paul wonders whether things are finally getting back to normal.

…Or as normal as it can be on Ward 37.

                                                   -X-

The next morning everyone is sat in the cafeteria enjoying a rare moment of peace. They have yet to have someone kick off or start being awkward and for once there isn’t a feeling of being on edge since Niall had left.

Josh can’t wait for the blonde to return and although nothing had been planned as of yet he’s still hopeful. Paul had been unusually quiet last night before they had all left and it had left him feeling a little anxious.

Louis had been overly cheerful too, which left him with a horrible churning sense of suspicion since whenever Louis was cheerful it always led to something horrible happening. He’d even gone as far as snooping around the ward trying to imitate a range of different superheros and murder mystery detectives. It was something which was fast becoming a problem since he had the annoying urge to scare the ever loving shit out of anyone who came onto the ward by jumping onto their backs and screaming bloody murder.

Josh had taken to calling ahead so as to make sure that someone had Louis entertained prior to his entry to avoid such occurrences.

He smiles to himself at the thoughts swirling around his head and scoops another spoonful of porridge up. Louis’s currently sat next to him - something that had become a “thing” a couple of weeks ago. He’s got an array of fruit sticks placed systematically around his plate as per his request, again this is something he doesn’t completely understand - and he knows better than to ask.

The conversation is surprisingly light for saying it’s breakfast and at this point Louis had usually broached the topic of death or began talking about that one memory where he had surgically dissected a toad in his back garden.

However the calm is broken by a strangled scream from behind them.

Josh turns his head to find the source of the inhuman sound only to rest his eyes on Taylor standing in the middle of the room looking wide eyed at Harry. Her fingers are pointed at the curly haired teen and Josh feels a creepy sense of déjà vu sneak up on him.

“ _Here we bloody well go again…_ " Louis mutters from next to him chewing on a stick of pineapple lazily, surveying the situation with a bored look.

Josh smiles at the comment and watches as a small woman, the same one from before, comes rushing over to the trembling girl trying to pull her away with soothing words. Taylor however doesn’t budge and instead a torrent of garbled words come tumbling from her mouth.

“ _I used to think that we were forever-ever and I used to say never say never~”_ she cries still pointing at Harry now scowling at him angrily fighting against her carer trying to reach out for him.

But Harry doesn’t react. He only glances at her briefly and then goes back to ignoring her idly pushing his cereal around his bowl distractedly. He’s clearly not interested in Taylor’s little show and Josh is proud that he’s not made any degrading comments regarding her, instead choosing to take the higher ground and not get involved.

It’s a smart move and will hopefully ensure that Taylor doesn’t react and become even more vengeful towards him.

Josh isn’t sure as to why but it’s almost as though Harry’s grown a little. Not that Josh is saying this is a bad thing, if anything he’s proud as hell right now. He just hopes that with Niall coming back it won’t set Harry back into his old ways again.

                                                      -X-

Greenfields is a lot different to Betwixt and Between. There are no electronic locks on the doors or added security stationed on the exits. If Paul’s honest there isn’t a lot to prevent the patients escaping at all.

It’s a worrying thought that troubles him as he’s led though the maze of corridors and sets of open doors that make up the hospital.

He’s finally there to collect Niall and take him back to a more familiar and safe environment, which he hopefully won’t have to leave again. His main concern is the mental impact that this event may have had on him. It might take weeks for him to recover and get into his old routine - but hopefully having Harry back in his life will help add that extra security that he needs.

He’s led through another set of doors and onto a grungy looking hospital unit. There are only a few people milling about and no one stops to ask them if they need any help. It’s another unsettling worry that Paul has and he just wants to get Niall released as soon as possible and get him back home.

“ _He’s just through here_ " his guide says pulling back a curtain to reveal a blonde haired boy hooked up to a series of machinery sleeping soundly.

It’s only now as he stands there staring in on him that he realises how serious the situation truly was. Niall could have _died_ , they thought he _had_ , and now the events from the past week and a half feel like they’ve come crashing down on him.

He’s so pale lying against the white sheets of the bed. His eyes are closed, and if you took away all the machines and dulled the beeping of the heart monitor, it would have looked as though he was merely sleeping peacefully.

He can see the slight rise and fall of his chest beneath the no doubt itchy sheets that Niall hates. His hair is flat against his head and lacking the gravity defying hair gel that Zayn used to swipe through his blonde locks; styling it up into a flashy looking quiff. He’s not used to seeing him so still either. The Niall he knows would normally be sitting up in bed frowning at him, whining and begging to let him up. It’s not right, he should be up and bouncing about making noise while Harry tries to catch him in his arms and keep him still against his chest pressing kisses into his hair.

But it’s been a while since he’d last seen a sight like that.

Paul nods his head to the guy and moves over to Niall’s side taking a seat at the side of the bed and taking his pale hand within his larger one - noting the bandages wrapped messily around his wrist. He gives Niall a look over and frowns when he sees an angry looking cut to his temple that’s been messily stitched back together and runs a finger softly over it, feeling the bumps under his fingertips. He takes a deep breath and tries to dampen the rising guilt welling up inside him.

He’d been told earlier by one of the admin team that Niall had been attacked by his roommate and suffered a series of cuts and bruises. However no one had told him that those so called “cuts and bruises” had had to been stitched up. They’d then informed him begrudgingly how Niall had stolen a large variety of medication from the supplies cupboard and stashed them away under his bed. The blonde had proceeded to take them during the evening, and then made a surgical lines through the veins on his wrists with a knife he had swiped from dinner before trying to let himself drift off. The staff on the ward had only been alerted due to a scuffle taking place on the ward when they had been forced to check on the boys.

The thought had left Paul cold as he imagined Niall terrified out of his mind to the point of suicide. It was clear that this hospital didn’t keep to the same high standards as Betwixt and Between. If they did then this would have never had happened in the first place. After all they didn’t even allow their patients to use proper cutlery, and instead they were given blunt plastic (non shatter) knifes, forks and spoons.

He was just thankful that things had turned out the way they had or it may have been Niall’s lifeless body he was collecting.

He gave another meek look and leaned over brushed away a few stands of flyaway hairs from the boy’s forehead gently tapping the back of his hand.

“ _Hey Niall? Niall can you hear me?_ " he called softly, nudging his shoulder slightly as to not disturb the wires connected to his arms.

The boy stirred slightly giving a soft groan from beneath the oxygen mask he was still wearing. Paul wasn’t sure he needed it anymore since his patient sheet at the bottom of the bed clearly said he was breathing normally on his own.

“ _C’mon Niall, time to wake up now_ " he said softly still running light circles into his skin on the back of his hand in comfort.

Dusty peach eye lids flicked open briefly revealing ocean blue eyes momentarily before closing again only to reappear seconds later. He peered to his left focusing his eyes in on Paul and pulling his eyebrows down into a confused frown.

“ _Paul?_ " he murmured groggily from beneath the mask.

“ _Hey buddy_ " he cooed back smiling slightly to try and place him at ease reaching forward to skin his cheek lightly with his fist in a fatherly manner.

Niall continued to stare at him for another few moments as he properly came round from his sleepy state, his mask hissing slightly as the heart monitor continued to bleep behind them at a steady pace. Paul did his best to keep smiling for him to offer some kind of reassurance. His efforts doubled when he began to feel the boy squeeze his hand back in acknowledgement.

“ _Paul?_ " he repeated as his eyes began to water.

“ _Yeah, I’m here, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere Niall. Not this time_ " he told him leaning forward and gently giving his hand a tighter squeeze to solidify his point.

“ _You came back_ " Niall stated, his voice sounding gravelled due to the mask obscuring it.

“ _Of course I did_ " Paul confirmed shaking his hand. " _I could leave you here Niall. Your brothers been in touch too and he said he didn’t want you to stay in this place anymore. So I’ve come to take you back_ " he explained his own eyes misting a little bit as he watched tear tracks slowly roll down Niall’s cheeks.

“ _W-we’re going home?_ " he asked sounding hopeful.

Paul’s expression softened sympathetically and he nodded firmly at him.

“ _Yeah Niall. It’s okay, we’re going home_ ”

                                                     -X-

Niall had been silent for most of the journey back; sitting stock still in the front seat. He’d not said a word since he had been released off the ward and sent back to his room to pack.

Paul had gone with him and hadn’t left his side the whole time. He’d even helped him to re-pack his bag again and folded up his clothes.

He had been less than impressed with where Niall had been kept. There was no where for the patients to sit and chill out or any forms of entertainment on the ward. There had only been a simple open room before the corridor where the doors to each of the bedrooms were.

It was terrible to think that this was where Niall had been living, a far cry from what he was used to. The blonde was used to only sharing a room with Harry and having somewhere where he could go and chill out before going to bed at night. He and Harry had rarely spent any large amount of time within their room. Paul knew that he would usually find them sprawled across the floor of the den area, noses pressed in a shared book or cuddled up together on the sofa watching a movie or engrossed within some video game on two player mode.

The living quarters there lacked any of the facilities that Betwixt and Between offered. It paled in contrast to the amount of care the patients were given. There wasn’t even a regular staff rota for Christ sake! Paul hadn’t once seen a member of staff go and check on the other boys on the ward. It was a truly worrying place and it now made sense to Paul how easily the mistake with Niall had been made. No one appeared to be properly trained in the hospital - even the receptionist had been rude when he had first showed up.

But that was now in the past and Paul could only feel sorry for the patients stationed there. At least he had managed to get Niall out before anything else happened to him.

Speaking of which Niall seemed to have perked up a little in the last ten minuets and was now looking out of the window to his left with a vague interest. It drew a small smile to his lips as he watched the boys eyes widen with a spark of curiosity.

“ _We’re nearly there now_ " he told him watching as he jerked to attention a little and turned to face him.

"… _Is Harry okay?_ " the blonde then asked nervously. " _He’s not mad is he?_ ”

Paul wanted to laugh - but he was worried that Niall might take that the wrong way. He also could tell him that Harry had tried to escape in the same manner that Niall had tried. But there would be no point in telling him that, Niall would only worry more and most likely burst into a fit of tears - which was something he didn’t want to have to deal with right now.

Instead he offered a positive smile and nodded, glancing to him briefly before darting his eyes back to the road.

“ _Yeah, he’s missed you though. He’s been mopping about in the den hiding away from everyone_ ”

Niall scowls at that clearly not impressed with Harry and he way of dealing with his leaving.

“ _I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you though_ " Paul adds with a laugh watching from the corner of his eye as Niall flushes red and immediately turns to face the window again.

“ _Ah look I can see the hospital in the distance_ ”

Niall stays silent for the remainder of the journey much to Paul’s amusement.

It’s only when they reach the hospital that he perks up all of a sudden out of no where and stares wide eyed at the tall fronting of the building looming high above them. As soon as Paul unlocks the doors of the car Niall flings his open and stumbles out to stare openly up at it in wonder.

Paul can’t help but find it a little odd that Niall is so eager to be back - it’s almost as if he doesn’t care that he’s outside breathing in fresh air that he doesn’t often get the pleasure of inhaling. Never the less Paul is happy to see a small smile rising on his pale face.

He leads him up the stairs and into the reception lugging the blondes bag behind him. He’d managed to snag a copy of the papers that had been stored at Greenfield’s thinking it best to have a copy on their files too just in case. It would also let them know what Niall had been given while he had been in the hospital - which was always handy. The receptionist took the files cheerily, giving Niall a beam as he looked to her.

“ _Welcome back Niall_ " she said to him with a genuinely happy tone that made Niall flush a little.

The sight made Paul sneak a smile too as the boy swayed from side to side looking at the floor in embarrassment. He had no idea why Niall was suddenly acting so bashful - perhaps it was the face that Harry wasn’t with him. He always tended to be much more reserved and shy and when the curly haired boy wasn’t hovering over him like a shadow.

But hopefully that was about to the change - for the better.

                                                    -X-

Harry’s just got himself comfy within his latest pillow fort. He wonders whether it’s a personal best considering the roof hasn’t bowed in at all so far. The supports on the sides are pretty solid, and they don’t wobble when he accidentally knocks into them.

He’s been reading his latest checked out book from the library on sign language for the last hour and had just read past the fourth chapter when a wave of tiredness had overtaken him. It wasn’t something unusual for around this time - he had been trying to get into a regular routine of getting an hours sleep in the afternoon. He found it was helping his concentration and over all motivation to focus. Lou had also said it was a good idea at his last meeting with her and had recommended an hour and a half at the most so it didn’t affect his sleep during the night.

So that had been his routine for the last couple of days now. It was something he had found himself oddly getting used to, and although there was still a massive hole in his life that would most likely never be filled, he was somehow still okay. It was good to know that he could still go on really - that he didn’t have to completely give up.

The dreams were still plaguing him though, they came and went depending on how his days went. Sometimes they were gentle and he would see Niall in them waiting for him atop of the hill grinning wildly and waving his arms high above his head. Other times his mother and sister would be there instead decorated in floaty summer dresses drinking sweet tea surrounded by an impressive picnic.

They were always the best ones, seeing the people he cared about so much. Getting another chance to be with them and memorising the features on their faces so he didn’t forget them. It was a fear that sat deep within his stomach and kept him awake late at night, staring up at the ceiling gut twisting and turning. He never wanted to feel like that again, worrying over such a terrifying thought.

But sometimes the dreams were dark and twisted and he’d awake inside that white room walking along the walls staring up at pictures of unfamiliar faces framed by thick wooden boarders. The pictures he had seen the first time he had awoken in that room were there too, mixed among the ones of strangers. It was still odd seeing photos of him and Niall standing next to Liam, Louis and Zayn. It was alien since they had never taken photos together since they had been sent there. It made him wonder where they had come from.

But it was odd because they were all genuinely smiling in the frame, arms around each other grinning like the world was perfect.

Harry would look away because such images _hurt_. Their worlds were in no way, shape or from perfect - they were far from it.

It never took long for these dreams to turn sour though.

One moment he would be standing in front of the collage of an unknown life and the next the room was stained an inky black. The wonderwall in front of him was nothing but cindered scraps of paper, edges burnt and torn. There was always a figure waiting for him in the corner of the room, standing stock still beneath a flickering light. They didn’t move and Harry could never make out who or what they were. All the same it freaked him out a little how they would simply stand there doing nothing but staring at the floor.

A couple of times he’d gone to walk away and out through the now broken door hanging off it’s hinges. But as soon as he went to cross the threshold the figure would make an inhuman noise behind and then appear in front of him still cloaked by darkness screaming in his face.

The next thing he knew he’d be waking up in his bed in a cold sweat, heart racing, only to be greeted by a dark and empty room.

It was those nights he missed Niall the most. The nights when he couldn’t sleep and there were no distractions other than his own dark thoughts. It was those nights when the hole in his heart stretched that little bit wider and the pain forced tears to his eyes.

The daylight hours were much easier to cope with. There were plenty of things he could occupy himself with. He was allowed to go to the gym whenever he wanted (provided that a member of staff was free to take and watch over him). Just across from the gym there was the library, where to his surprise, he often found himself these days pouring over books while trying to teach himself sign language. Jon was also always about and he still had his lessons in the mornings to attend. After all that was done, and he became fed up of learning and moving in general, there was always the other boys around who he could try and convince (bully) into playing a round of video games with. Failing that Harry had his pillow forts and a good hours sleep to fall back on.

It was hard at first, after all he’d never known anything different than the life he had lived with Niall always at his side. But now that the blonde was absent from his life he had had to find other ways of moving on and coping on his own without someone else to care for. He still found it difficult even now, and maybe he never would be able to stop looking over his shoulder for him.

He sighed deeply and rolled over onto his side curling a hand into the sheets he had thrown around himself. Letting his eyes drop blinding himself from the world around him he muses about what dream will greet him this time; praying that it will be his mother and sister or maybe Niall.

Yeah it would be nice to see Niall this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's not much left of this story now... A couple more chapters maybe... But I have spoken to a few people and there will be some extras to come out of this. 
> 
> Also just a little news on the story front I now have another project on. It's a new story called "Love Me Not" the prompt came from the amazing talkaboutnarry and so far there are two chapters up for it. I'll put the summery below for anyone who might be interested in having a read: 
> 
> Summery: If there’s one thing Harry Styles can’t stand right now it’s that Niall Horan keeps trying to change his mind regarding his sexuality - and Harry can’t help but wonder whether this snot nosed rich kid has a point or not.
> 
> Or the one where Harry is famous and through his own stupidity ends up having to fake date his mangers son - Niall.


	9. Dissolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So second to last chapter! Please enjoy!

* * *

**Dissolve: “To close down or dismiss”**

There’s a feeling of nervousness that coils in Niall’s stomach as he follows Paul back onto the familiar corridor that leads onto Ward 37. He knows deep down that he should be happy - after all he’s home now, he’s safe. But at the back if his mind there are now new worries lying in wait.

Would Harry be okay with him? Did he think that Niall had abandoned him? What if he had found someone else?

After all Taylor had been trying to catch his attention for weeks. Maybe had had got together with her. Maybe he had been left behind.

The thoughts continue to add stress to his already wrecked state of mind, pushing it to its limits. He can’t stop thinking about everything; even small details that shouldn’t matter are spiralling out of his control. Each scenario plays out in his mind like a movie, as he thinks about each conversation he could have, and every response he could give.

Naturally none of them end well, but he at least wants to be prepared all the same.

The fear rises as they get closer and his fingers start to shake. It shouldn’t be a big deal to him. He shouldn’t be so worried. Do normal people on the outside world worry like this? Do they react in similar ways?

Shaky fingers reach out to the back of Paul’s jacket and curl into the fabric looking for comfort. The older man doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t pull away either, and that’s all Niall finds himself needing right now. The comfort of knowing that someone else is there with him. That’s all he’s ever needed.

"Don’t panic" Paul tells him gently. "You’ve got nothing to be afraid of here"

Of course Niall knows that, but what if they make him leave again? He still doesn’t know what he did to make them want to throw him out in the first place. What if he messes up again? Worry flares in his mind like a warning light as he sees the large metal door ahead.

Apparently Paul had already called ahead to let them know that they were on their way. Niall doesn’t know who Paul had spoken too, but he does know that the person on the other end had been sorting something out for Paul from the way that they were talking. The thought only makes his stomach turn again.

Paul wastes no time in opening up the door with his key card, watching as it gives a slight groan before swinging it open to reveal familiar surroundings. It’s definitely comforting to know that the place hasn’t changed since he had been there last. All the furniture is all where it should be, and as far as he can tell it looks like everyone’s out, or asleep.

“Why don’t you go into the den and get comfy? I’ve just got to go check if any of the guys are about. I won’t be long okay?” Paul says nodding his head toward the open double doors that lead into the den.

Niall blinks looking into the room, he can see the TV is on mute, a multitude of flashing images playing on the large screen. There’s a load pillows and throws missing from the sofa along with the large pillows that frame the back rests. Then, in the corner of the room, Niall makes out a large structure made of thick blankets. He can’t see an entrance, but he’s sure that one of the sheets lifts up to go inside. It looks inviting, warm, and somewhere he could hide away till Paul comes to get him.

He wanders in, heading straight for the structure in the corner. A large pile of games are still out, and Niall wonders where the others are. They weren’t allowed to just leave the games out normally; everything was supposed to be put away once done with. But there’s a sketch book lying on the table covered in rubber peelings, a set of pencils lying to the side. Niall frowns at the eeriness of it. It’s almost as though everyone had been evacuated in a rush, leaving everything behind.   
Quickly he kneels down to the floor and pulls up a flap of the covers hanging down from the fort. It moves away to reveal a large space inside, just like the ones he and Harry had used to build. The pillows and blankets are already inside and Niall wonders whether this was one that Harry had made earlier. The walls holding the whole thing up look pretty sturdy and the floors are lined properly with all the right covers from various beds on the ward, even the roof hadn’t started to sink in yet.

Niall finds his lips curling upward slight as he crawls in making himself comfy.

It’s then he notices a mound of curly brown hair poking up from underneath the heap of blankets scattered about, cushioned by a large pillow.

He blinks, shocked by the discovery and panics - he wasn’t prepared for this yet. But the pounding in his chest is downed out by his curiosity and wonder.

Slowly, trying not to disturb them, he pulls down the blanket to reveal Harry. He’s sleeping, and Niall’s pleased to find that it seems a pretty deep sleep. His face is calm and very relaxed, even breathes escaping from parted lips.

For a while the blonde finds himself simply sitting there in front of Harry just watching him sleep. It should be creepy, Niall thinks, but he doesn’t care somehow. Watching over Harry as he sleeps just doesn’t feel like that. He’s not seen this boy, this boy he loves more than anyone else in his life, for what feels like such a long time. He just wants this moment to re-memorise every little detail about him - even some things that, to his horror, he had forgotten.

After a moment he begins to feel lonely, and perhaps it’s selfish, but Niall really wants to talk to him. He wants to hear his groggy morning voice and that slight hitch as he takes his first waking breath. Wants to see that stretch he always does to loosen up his muscles. Wants to watch his eyes screw up as he yawns and then drop down to half mast as his eyes blink awake and glitter.

Hands reach out across the empty space between their bodies and touch the top of Harry’s shoulder, nudging at the soft fabric stretched across his skin.

"Harry?" Niall calls softly letting a shy smile reach his face.

No response comes from the sleeping boy and Niall sighs leaning closer to brush his lips over his right ear. His whispers again and only finds the same result as before. It’s odd, he realises. Harry’s normally not a heavy sleeper. When he had lived back home any movement in the house would have him bolt upright in bed glaring his door down in the middle of the night. But now it seemed like he was more relaxed and his nightmares could no longer reach him. So instead Niall brings his hand to his cheek and flicks a slender finger across the soft skin smiling as the boy beneath his touch groans.

Slowly green eyes open and blink up at him focusing in on his form. He frowns for a moment, tensing up from the shoulders down, and then takes note of his surroundings before relaxing. His hand comes up and wipes his face, scrubbing up across both eyes before he flips himself over onto his back.

"I’m glad it’s you this time" he tells him, voice groggy from sleep which was exactly what Niall had been hoping for.

But the words confuse him, and Niall has no clue what he means by that. Harry must still be half asleep, it’s the only explanation Niall can come up with.

“Haha, me too” he replies, going along with whatever Harry’s talking about.

He shuffles down in the mound of blankets pulling one of them up to cover over him, trying to curl up by Harry’s side. Harry lets him and even raises an arm up so Niall can curl up right next to his body and prop his head onto the curly haired boy’s chest. Once comfy Harry drops his arm down and snakes it around Niall’s back pulling him as close as he can physically get. It’s familiar and a pool of warmth gathers in the pit of Niall’s stomach - he’s home.

“I missed you” he tells Harry raising his head to look at him.   
He watches Harry’s face melt into a smile and his eyes brighten a little before they dull again and the smile drops away. The action confuses him for a moment, but then Harry’s looking down to him with a serious look.

“I missed you too, all the time” he replies back kissing the top of his head. “I hope this time it lasts longer” he sighs holding him that little bit tighter inhaling his scent.

Again Niall feels a stab of worry hit and Harry’s words muddle him. Does he think that they’ll take him away, does Harry fear the same as him? If Harry’s worried about it then there must be a chance it could happen again, it’s definitely something they should worry about.

“But I’m back now right?” He points out trying to be optimistic, only to be answered with another huff of air against his ear.

“Yeah but for how long? You, my mum and sister… You guys always leave me in the end”

Niall sucks in a breath. His mum? His sister?

Harry had never in the three years that they had been in the hospital ever spoken about his sister and mother. They were touchy subjects that were not up for discussion under any circumstances. Niall never dared to broach the situation after Harry had freaked when Lou had tried to pry the first time.

So why was Harry so open about it now?

"Your mum and sister?" He asks tentatively.

"Mm" Harry confirmed combing his fingers through Niall’s hair. "To be honest I was pretty shocked when you turned up here. Why aren’t we on that hill?"

Now Niall’s really confused. He sits up on his knees and blinks down at Harry trying to figure it out.

"Hill? Harry what are you talking about" he asks sounding worried.   
This time Harry sits up and frowns at him taking his head in his hands and rubbing his thumbs over his cheeks gently.

"Our hill Niall, the place we always meet in my dreams, you remember right?"

This times Niall thinks about it really hard, tries to remember a hill in his memories. But he just can’t. He and Harry have never had a hill where they meet. There was that field where they sat and had picnics in the summer, and there was that cafe back in Cheshire that served those really awesome burgers. But there was no hill in Niall’s memory…

Wait…

"How do you know about that hill Harry?" He asks diving way back into the depths of his memories and trying to avoid the haunting images that had landed him in care.

"We meet there all the time Niall, you really have forgotten haven’t you?" Harry answers bringing him close to his chest hugging him.

"But I never talk about Ireland. Did Greg tell you?" Niall asks him softly.

He does remember the hill. It had been down the road and look over miles and miles of deep green fields. The town had held annual festivals and concerts on the fields below. Although the memories were very faded now and Niall struggled to piece them together since they had been avoided for so long.

"What are you talking about? Ireland? Wait is that where that hill is? No wonder we meet there… You always wanted to show me where you lived" Harry says softly. "It’s really beautiful Ni"

The comment makes his cheeks flush crimson and he can feel the heat blossom. He dips his head in embarrassment over the reaction. But he can’t help but feel happy that Harry thinks his original home is beautiful.

But the question still remains of how Harry knows what it looks like. Niall had never been with Harry to Ireland. He’d been stuck in another hospital for the however long. So how had Harry been to Ireland with him? Especially when he hadn’t even been with him.

"But Harry I’ve been in another hospital. I haven’t been here" he tells him gently trying to wrap his head around what the other boy is saying.  
Harry blinks at him drawing back till Niall’s at arms length. He frowns for a moment shifting slightly.

"…But I’ve been having dreams. You, mum and Gemma are always in them" he says slowly as though he’s trying to make Niall understand.   
Now Niall’s thoroughly confused. Harry’s been having dreams that he’s been in… Does he think he’s still dreaming then?

Slowly, so as not to startle Harry out the reverie he’s entered Niall brings his hands up and curls them around him pulling him close again. He nestles his head into the crook of his neck and takes a deep breath. It’s been a long time since they’ve been this close and Niall knows for sure that he’s missed it.

"You’re not dreaming Harry" he says softly for once feeling like Harry needs to rely on him right now. "I’m here, I’m really here"

Beneath his touch he feels Harry go still and tense all the muscles in his body up. It’s unnerving, Harry’s never like that with him. He’s always relaxed and calm when they’re together.

"No, this isn’t real Niall. You’re not here, they took you away. Paul and all the others, they made you go" he says softly hugging him back. "And now I’m alone again"

Niall shakes his head into the taller boys chest. His finger have curled into the material of the shirt Harry’s wearing, fisting into a tight hold. His mind is screaming at him not to fight Harry on this, just to let it go and allow him to believe what he wants. The pressure is weighing down on him and his body starts to shake. A small part of him screams over the strain and firmly tells him that he needs to make Harry aware that he’s no longer dreaming.

"No" he tells him - voice shaking - as he looks up at him. "I’m real. I’m here in front of you"

Harry stares back in awe. Looking at Niall properly for the first time. His beautiful eyes are clear with resolve. His pretty pale skin and slight dusting of freckles that span down his neck. All the details that he’d been worried about forgetting were right here in front of him again…

But then his eyes drop to a patch of skin married with small black stitches sewn into the skin on his temple and he frowns in worry running the tabs of his fingers over the bumpy surface.

"Your hurt" he whispers in worry.

Niall shakes his head brushing his fingers away dismissively.

"That doesn’t matter right now Harry" he tells him urgently clasping his fingers between his hands, trying in vain to break through to the taller boy.

But to Harry it’s not something to brush aside and he wants to ask more. But the look in Niall’s eyes stops him as he goes to press the matter. He can always asks later he tells himself documenting the information away in the back of his mind.

Instead his fingers stretch out to brush against his skin trailing down the side of his face. He can’t quite believe that he’s here… He’d just settled into a new routine and made himself believe that Niall would never be in his life again - that he’d lost him for good within the wave of his life.

Of course he wasn’t over Niall - he never would be. But he’d come to realise that life wasn’t a fair game, and it was one that he would always loose.

Yet here Niall is, right in front of him again, dangling on a string almost like a taunt. He doesn’t want to get close again in fear that Niall will be ripped away - burnt by the flame. None the less he can’t just ignore him either. He loves him after all and to do that would be cruel to Niall - and that’s just something he can’t be.

"You’re real" he murmurs running his hand down his neck and into the contours of Niall’s body skimming his hands all over him feeling the warmth and strong beat of his heart though thin material.

His heart aches in his own chest as he looks at the smaller boy. He’d overheard the conversation between Josh and Paul. He’d seen the look on Paul’s face as they had talked about Niall being dead… Had that all been a lie? Had Paul got it wrong? How was Niall here right now in front of him?

Did he even really care right now?

If he was truly honest he knew he didn’t. All he cared about was that Niall was there in front of him and not six foot under. He could still touch him. He could still listen to him as he rambled on about mundane things and still hear him laugh.

Once again he pulls him close and inhales the smell of disinfectant, bleach and potent stench of clean, clean, clean. Its wrong and not Niall’s usual scent of Ward 37, lazy days and Harry.. But he knows he can change that.

Slowly he tilts Niall’s head up to look at him, hooking a finger underneath his chin to find the right purchase. His makes sure to keep their eyes locked as he leans down ghosting warm breath over pale cheeks and smiles inwardly as Niall opens his mouth to say something.

He doesn’t get  chance - and Harry makes sure of that. Firm lips meet his own in the commencing battle. He twists and turns his lips against Niall’s, pouring in all of the stored up longing and loneliness that he had been feeling.

Hands hold onto the blonde, keeping him in place by pulling him extra close and cadging him to his chest. Harry can feel the tears welling in his own eyes. It’s not about lust or sex or anything else that could be taken sexually. Right now this is about needing Niall close, needing him in his life - wanting him in his life.

Maybe when it came down to it he didn’t necessarily need Niall to survive. Maybe he could live without the other boy. But why would he want to?

Niall made things easier - he made things worth while. He was the reason why Harry wanted to do things - he gave him a purpose, and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

As Niall brings his hands up to tangle into Harry’s hair he can feel a wetness smear against his cheek and pauses in confusion, breaking the heated kiss to pull back. He can immediately see the source and frowns when he spots the cluster of tears pooling in the greens eyes boring down into his own.

He leans his forehead against Harry’s and sighs closing his own eyes in bliss - wishing Harry would feel the same.

"Please don’t cry" he whispers softly as he becomes aware of the ache in his own chest at the thought of Harry crying. "I’m happy that we’re back together again. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else"

Harry nods his head and he looks at Niall’s genuinely happy grin and wonders whether he’s really deserving enough of someone so strong.

He knows without a doubt that he wouldn’t be able to let Niall escape him again, and the thought is enough to make him want to tie him up, lock him away and never let anyone near them again. Niall probably wouldn’t appreciate it, but at least it would ensure that this never happened again.

Instead he leans forward and captures Niall’s lips, running his hands down to the blondes hips and lifting him into his lap to get him as humanly close as possible. He backs himself up until he’s leaning against the wall of the den. Niall’s hands float up to tangle back into his hair again, massaging patterns into his scalp in a way that has Harry moaning into his mouth.

The curly boys own hands are pressing lines into Niall’s back moving up and down in time with Niall’s hips, which are rolling into his own. He’s making it very difficult for Harry to keep himself in check - and right now he can’t help but wonder whether it really matters as to whether he does or not. Surely Paul wouldn’t punish them for getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies, it had been a long time since he’d been this intimate with Niall after all?

The thoughts however end up floating right out of his mind as Niall’s hips brush up against him in a certain way - and God Niall always seems to know what to do at times like this. It doesn’t seem to matter that Niall can’t make a decision to save his life.

Although when Harry glances up to make sure he’s okay he can immediately spot the tell tale signs of Niall’s nervousness starting to show through.

He doesn’t let it get that far though. He runs his hands back down to his hips and leans strategically forward mashing his lips into pale skin at the base of Niall’s neck running his tongue in maddening circles drawing several erotic sounds from the blonde’s mouth.

This makes Niall’s thrust against him quicker, more precise, and drives Harry all the more wild prompting him to reward his partner with gentle little nips. He can feel the burning curl in his stomach building and the desire to shove Niall to the floor and do this properly is driving him insane. But he knows they can’t, if they ever got caught doing that Paul would have no choice but to separate them…

Believe him they had tried it before and the results hadn’t been great - although the look on Paul’s face when he had walked in made it almost worth it in Harry opinion.

One more glance at Niall’s face has him biting his lips slightly as he pulls back and tries to grit his teeth as he feels the pleasure over take him. Niall looks to be in a similar state letting small puffs of air escape him as he rides it out, but even he can’t help but let a broken moan tumble from those sinful lips.

Harry reaches for him and pulls him down on top of him while his body shudders and he feels a sudden damp patch soak his pant line.   
Niall doesn’t seem to care though and quite happily curls his body into his boyfriend, nuzzling his head into the warmth he finds at the base if Harry’s neck. In return Harry plays with the wispy, soft, stands of Niall’s hair weaving his spindly fingers through the locks.

"I love you" Harry whispers softly meaning every word.

A feeling of warmth spreads throughout Niall’s whole body and he turns his head to look at Harry with a soft look of his own. He trails a hand to the other boy’s lips poking them playfully.

"I love you too…" he replies watching Harry’s eyes mist up again filling with tears much like his own.

-X-

Paul had dropped Niall off purposely at the den. He’d arranged it so Harry would be there when Niall and he got back - something an earlier phone call had ensured. He wasn’t really sure how Harry would take to the sudden appearance of Niall so he’d hung around the area for a bit sifting though a large stack of paperwork that had been waiting for him.   
It had seemed to all be going to plan and he had yet to hear any screams of terror…

However he was still curious as to how Harry would take the situation - and if he was honest he was a little concerned. After all they hadn’t been separated for such a length of time in years. He knew for sure that Harry had gone into a deep state of shock shortly after Niall’s departure and there had been those couple of days where they had had to place him in solitary confinement in Quarantine so as he could take some time to calm down.

Naturally he was also concerned about Niall as well. It was probably best to have them both reassessed just to check where they both stood on the mental health side - and to assess if there had been had any long term effects from this endeavour.

Despite all the thoughts running about his mind he can’t help but feel more at ease, knowing that all the boys were back in one place together and were, for the moment, safe.

He glances up to look at the clock and sighs. Half an hour should have given Harry and Niall enough time to reacquaint themselves with each other. That or for one of them to have had a breakdown - he silently hopes for the former. The last thing he wants is for one of them to take the reunion badly and scar the other.

He moves back to the den glancing in and seeing no signs of the boys on the sofas or lounging on the floor. His eyes turn to the structure in the corner and take in the mass of stolen bed sheets and stacks of sofa cushions piled together.

Harry’s clearly been creative again while he was out collecting his other half.

Slowly, so as to not disturb anything, he makes his way over and reaches out to pull one of the sheets up. He’s half terrified that the whole construction will topple over if he makes one wrong move. The thought makes him cringe as he imagines Harry jumping up to attack him thinking that he was trying to harm them.

But nothing happens when he pulls the covers back and he only finds the two of them curled up around each other, limbs tangled together fast asleep. Harry’s got his head resting atop of Niall’s as the blonde’s tucked his head into the base of Harry’s neck. They look the picture of calm just lying there blissfully unaware of the rest of the world around them.

Paul can’t fight the smile that surfaces on his face and he’s tempted to hijack a camera just to document the perfect moment.   
Just as he’s about the drop the cover and leave them be he remembers the phone sitting at the base of his pocket. Using one hand to hold the sheets up his other reaches down deep into his jacket and pulls it free. He brings it up to face the pair below him and tries to keep it steady as he prods at the screen attempting to figure out where the bloody camera is.

A couple of hushed curses later he manages to bring the camera application up and smiles when he sees the image below reflected in front of him. He takes a few snaps of them and smirks evilly at the image of Harry’s face when he gets it printed.

Perhaps it would be good to take a few more pictures of the lads - make an album or something so they have something to look back on. After all none of them have any pieces from their pasts right now, so anything is better than nothing.

He shakes his head and drops the make shift walls of the fortress back down gently allowing Harry and Niall the privacy they deserve.   
He should probably give Sandy or Dan a call to let them know it’s okay to bring the other three back. No doubt they’ve had their hands full dealing with the rest of them. As far as he’d been aware Louis had already been playing up that morning and the last thing they needed right now was to have to take one of them to Quarantine.

-X-

Louis doesn’t know why they had to leave earlier. One minuet he’d been picturing the perfect murder while Josh was ordering his and the rest of the lads dinner, and the next Sandy came charging into the room ushering them all out. It was fair to say he hadn’t been all that impressed with the peasant.

It was bad enough that he’d been interrupted while thinking about the fragile state of life. But to have actually moved him was another issue all together.

However even after having been moved from his spot in the den and into the main hospital Sandy continued to be annoying. He shepherded them towards the library with a half assed excused about learning more about the outer world and increasing their general knowledge.   
Louis wasn’t sure if Sandy had been made aware of the fact that they were living in a mental hospital. Or if he realised that chances were, in his case, they weren’t going to be leaving any time soon - especially due to the fact that they were residents on the “long term” ward.

So no, Louis didn’t really give a crap about “worldly knowledge” or “further enhanced learning” - as far as he was concerned Sandy could go and shove it up his ass. He did his study sessions with Jon and that was enough in his opinion; Sandy’s logic be damned.

However it appeared that he wouldn’t be getting out of it any time soon and so faced with the option of visiting Quarantine vs. doing some poxy research into the world beyond - he chose to suck it up and invest in some light reading.

Much to his delight the library was fairly deserted when they arrived and it gave Louis a chance to delve into why they were even here in the first place and why Harry hadn’t been forced from his comfy confines of his makeshift house thing and dragged through the halls to the library. Naturally he could only summarise that something was very, very wrong and therefore clearly needed his input to correct the situation.

Or so he decided.

Having said that Sandy wouldn’t co-operated as normal and instead of just telling him what was wrong and why they were even in there Sandy dug his heels in and was blatantly awkward when it came to just giving him a straight answer.

Needless to say Louis ended up just terrorising him for the remainder of the trip instead.

However he did let slip that everything would be explained once Paul got back from wherever the hell he had gone - which didn’t really give Louis much to go on.

But after getting a very firm “go and bloody read a bloody book” from Sandy he decided to take a hint and leave the guy alone - only to start dropping books over from the other side of the shelf aiming to deliberately hit him a second later. Needless to say he hadn’t been very impressed with the impish boy.

None of the other boys had been in the mood to entertain him either. Liam, by nature, loved learning and although his reading skills weren’t great Dan had taken up a seat next to him to help out at regular intervals. This meant that he couldn’t bug the brown haired boy without alerting Dan and getting in trouble. It was contrived in Louis’s expert opinion. Liam had clearly done this on purpose knowing that Louis would quickly become bored and seek him out - twat.

Zayn had chosen a similar method to avoid him, however instead of placing himself directly next to one of their minders he had statically sat himself within Josh’s direct eye line rather than hiding himself away in an alcove like he would normally. It was irritating and was something that was fast wearing on his nerves.

Their lack of patience to deal with him left his only other choice to be a good patient and actually chose out a book and absorb the context or simply lounge about  pretending to be flicking through a choice of hardbacks.

This wasn’t how he had been intending to spend his afternoon.   
He’d had everything planned out:  
\- annoy Josh till half one,   
\- develop a plan of ward domination till two,   
\- seek out and destroy Josh at three,   
\- play video games till four.

The rest of the night would be spent alternating between dining in the grand hall, video games and generally being a nuisance. But now none of that would happen and it was pissing him the hell off. His whole night was ruined!

It may have seemed something so small to anyone else and Louis was positive that there were people out there who wouldn’t have thought much of it. In fact Louis had heard about these mythical passive creatures many times from Lou. The very idea made him anxious and incredibly uncomfortable (if not a little irritated).

He knew for sure that when they got back he just wouldn’t feel the same about doing anything he had planned to do and it was all Sandy’s stupid fault.

He huffed to himself and yanked a particularly large book from the shelf and slammed it down onto the floor childishly. It smacked into the ground front first creating a remarkably loud sound as contact was made with the wooden floor awaiting it. For whatever reason Louis felt a sudden satisfaction both in watching and hearing the outcome of his defiance and proceeded to send a number of books clattering to the floor in the same way he had the first. The result was a growing mound of historical works littering the once spacious floor.

Unsurprisingly the noise drew unwanted attention and by the time Louis had got round to choosing out his next victim Dan was stood at the end of the bookshelf glaring daggers at him - a worried looking Liam tagging behind him surveying the mess.

"Louis! For F’s sake what the bloody hell are you doing?!" he hisses at him tensing his shoulders as he caught sight of the chaos surrounding the chestnut haired lad.

For the most part Louis worked his innocent look to the max grinning back at him while holding one of the books from the shelf close to his chest and hunching in on himself to look smaller. He knows how to play people pretty well and trying to appear as cute and innocent as he could tended to make people more lenient towards him.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about Daniel" he says blinking at him in a way he’d once seen Niall do.

It doesn’t have the same results and instead Dan flings his arms up into the air in exasperation.

"Please, for once can you just not do this?" he says holding a hand to his head massaging the skin there gently.

Louis freezes for a second as a memory from the past assaults him. The image of his mother standing in her war torn kitchen pressing fingers to her temple and rubbing the skin there raw in frustration.

"Please Louis! Not today love"

He sinks down to the floor and lets the book he was holding fall to the floor in shock.

Where had that come from?

Why was he thinking about such a memory right now?

His heart aches painfully in his chest and a throbbing in his veins starts up, kicking off the sound of his heart beat which pounds against his ears. He brings his hands up to cover them shielding himself away from the rest of the world curling into a ball on the floor.

The urge to comfort himself kicks in, and he wants to fight something so as not feel so open to the world. He wants to yell and shout, lash out against anyone who tries to get too close. He wants to spit nasty harsh words at Dan for evoking such memories of his mother - for making him feel.

But he can’t…

Another side of him just wants to sit there and wallow away in his sadness. he just wants to bathe in these emotions, tuck himself away and cry.

The tears well up in his eyes from nowhere. Shock spikes through his system and he opens his eyes wider.

He can’t cry. He hasn’t cried in years! This can’t happen now, not over such a menial thing!

Just as his worlds about to come crashing down again due to such a stupid, stupid memory he feels a hand drop down onto his shoulder - grounding him back to the earth and tying him down again.

He shoots his arm out to claw at whoever had just dared to touch him only to be met with thin air. The lack of a solid object to meet the force behind the move causes him to fall off balance and he topples to the floor in an ungraceful heap.

He’s expecting the landing to be met with harsh laughter and nasty remarks about how stupid he is. But all that greets him is the echo of his own pained grunt followed by blissful silence.

He’s stunned as he pulls himself up and immediately lifts his head to find the source of the ominous touch. 

Stood there, looking out of place and awkward, is none other than Liam. The boy’s  holding his arm, shuffling about from foot to foot, occasionally glancing at him through dark eyelashes. There’s a book clasped between the fingers of his dangling arm looking like it might slip from his grasp at any point.

"What the fuck do you want?" he spits harshly at him watching as Liam turns his face into a frown at the words.

"I sent Dan away for you" he says, voice firm and taking none of his bullshit. "You can thank me now or later" he adds.

The feeling of annoyance is quick to spread. He knows that Liam had seen the look on his face when Dan had made his earlier remark - and he had definitely seen him fall over. So why wasn’t he laughing? Why wasn’t he running about the place telling the world what a fool Louis was?

Blackmail perhaps?

"Well go on then! Laugh it up, tell everyone what a fool Louis Tomlinson is! Shout it out so everyone knows what a stupid cry-baby I am! So stupi-"

He has to cut himself short as Liam strolls over and sits down beside him as the first tear rolls down his cheek leaving a river’s trail behind. The hazel eyed boy doesn’t touch him again, he just sits beside him and shields him from anyone who might be looking in on them from the side. He waits ever so patiently as Louis sniffles and hiccups, scrubbing at his eyes without saying a word. He occasionally hums a soft tune to himself looking around the room or collecting up nearby books and sorting them into piles around them.

It’s amazing really when Louis thinks about it. How many times has he harassed Liam, called him names or just made his life that little bit more stressful? Yet here he is silently offering him a shoulder to cry on without asking for anything in return.

"Why are you being so nice? Why aren’t you laughing at me?" he asks in a pitifully teary voice.

Liam glances back to him and blinks like Louis’s asked something ridiculous. He then glances away again with a brief smile going back to collecting up the books.

"Well… I guess I know what it feels like. To be laughed at I mean. Or to feel so alone that you just can’t stand it anymore - to feel like you have no-one or nowhere to turn. It really sucks and I don’t ever want anyone to feel like that when I know that there might be something I can do to help"

The mini speech leaves Louis shocked for the second time that afternoon and he can only stare back at Liam in varied degrees of disbelief. Finally he turns his head away and scowls at the floor feeling his cheeks warm as happy memories of his sisters smiling faces appear in the back of his mind.

"…You’re so stupid" he mutters frowning even more when he hears Liam’s soft, kind laughs echo behind him.

"Maybe…" he says picking up the books that had fallen from Louis’s lap earlier. "Hey do you want to read something together since we’re here?" Liam then suggests holding up the book so Louis can see the cover.

From the end of the row of books slightly hidden around the corner Dan gives a hushed chuckle and walks away as he hears Louis’s voice sound out the first few lines of Peter Pan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... As I said before this is the second to last chapter! I can't believe that it's nearly over!! As I said before I will probably add some stuff to this after as well so stay tuned for that! :D


	10. Endure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urm hi…. *nervously waves* So it’s been a while… But finally I’ve finished this monster. It’s taken me ages to get to written out and while I knew how I wanted to end it, it just never felt right how I’d written it. 
> 
> Anyway, I’ve also got a favour to ask… I wanted to add a few extras to this story, such as individual insights into the boy’s lives before they were admitted or snippets of their time on the ward before Josh arrived. So it would really help me if people could let me know what they’d be interested in reading.

* * *

 

 

**Endure: “To suffer something painful or difficult patiently or remain in existence; to last”**

 

_"Joshua make sure to always chase your dreams won’t you?"  
“Of course I will Gran, but don’t talk like that now, you’re going to be fine” _

_"And you make sure that you buy that drum kit you’ve had your eyes on won’t you? I’ve left you plenty of money for it so I don’t want you wasting it frivolously you hear?"_

_"Go course Gran. But what have I told you, you mustn’t talk like that. You’ll be out of here in no time, You’ll see"_

_"I’d like to believe you Joshua - you know I would. But I’m old now, and no one lives forever, nothing lasts forever. You know I love you, and I hope you’ll be happy. But I’d like to sleep now, yes a little nap sounds nice right now. I’ll see you later Joshua…"_

_"Come on Gran, don’t go to sleep now. The doctor will be here in a moment, you’ve got to stay awake… Gran? Gran? Gran, this isn’t funny… Gran? No. No, doctor! Please someone! Doctor!"_

 -X-

There’s a buzzing echoing through the ward as soon as Josh steps onto it. He already knows that today is going to be a long day - something in the air just gives him the feeling and he can’t quite place his finger on it for the life of him.

But the answer comes to him as soon as he shrugs of his coat in a blur of colour shooting towards him smacking straight into his chest and knocking him back against the door.

"Louis!" He shouts in shock, already knowing who had run into him, there was only one person who had both the nerve and love for causing such chaos so early.

"Good morning Joshua, how art thou upon this fine morning. Tis a nice morning, tis a perfect morning" Louis recites to him hanging his arms around his waist grinning mischievously up at him.

He sighs tried dragging a hand through his hair, and glances up to find Liam trotting towards them with a blanket in hand. He smiles to Josh, offers a warm greeting, and then reaches out for Louis wrapping his arms around his waist to pry him off Josh. Louis falls away like a limp rag doll and coils around Liam instead.

The two of them have become oddly close since Niall had come back over four months ago. They were almost as inseparable as Niall and Harry, and Liam would follow Louis around fixing the chaos he caused and cooling his temper tantrums.

It was funny how quickly they had bonded and found a reasonable middle ground between them. Liam who was usually quick to move out of the chestnut haired boy’s way, and Louis who didn’t tolerate anyone’s company unless _he_ specifically went looking for it. Although no one was going to complain when it was now Liam who would simply reach out and pull Louis away to calm him down. In fact they encouraged the friendship wholeheartedly.

Liam himself was doing much better too. He was now allowed to visit home at the weekends and stay over Saturday nights, spending lazy Sunday mornings and afternoon there too. It had increased Liam’s positively immensely, and the boy was now much more inclined to study; much to Jon’s delight.

His parents had been thrilled with the development. They had taken the news with smiles and floods of tears all round. Josh had been lucky enough to accompany Paul when he had taken Liam home last weekend and had seen the sight for himself. Liam had grinned as his mother grabbed a hold of him, whisking him up into a mothering hug, squashing him against her.

The family had left Liam’s room the way it had been when he had left, even the Toy Story bed covers were the same apparently. Liam had been overjoyed at the sight  of his room looking the same as it had been the night he’d left it. Everything neatly in place and untouched.

“Of course I made sure to come in and give the place a good dusting down every now and then” his mother had said through yet another round of tears.

Josh had spied a picture sitting innocently on Liam’s cluttered desk in the corner decorated by a thick wooden frame. It had caught his eye when he’d been given the grand tour of the house by Liam as they checked to make sure that everything was in order.

There were two boys in the frame, both wearing matching grins. He could tell Liam straight away, the boy with the sparkly brown eyes and long hair which had been styled into a slick looking side fringe. He was fairly skinny in the picture, which was strange to look at considering Liam was ridiculously well built now.

But it was the other boy who caught his attention - naturally he didn’t recognise him at all. However he must have been someone important to Liam seeing as soon as Liam had noticed him looking at the frame he had waltzed over with a soft smile.

“That’s Andy” he explained smiling down at the photo.

Josh blinked back at him and picked the frame up carefully handling it, watching for Liam’s reaction. He didn’t want to upset the boy by touching things that he shouldn’t. Andy looked just as happy as Liam in the picture, one arm wrapped around the other boys shoulder and a cheeky grin playing on his lips. The photo looked as though it had been taken in a wooded area he guessed from the hoard of trees surrounding them.

“He a friend of yours?” Josh asked tilting the frame to Liam.

“Yeah… He’s, he’s not here anymore” Liam replied trailing his eyes away from the smiling faces.

Quickly Josh had placed it back down, being careful not to damage it. It seemed like a pretty touchy subject; and not one that Josh wanted to delve into in case it set Liam off.

Paul had cleared everything up with Liam’s parents, making sure that they were aware of certain subjects that were not to be brought up around the boy. He’d also had to make sure that any sharp objects were hidden away and not in plain sight. They’d even had to sign a stack of papers which covered the hospital for if anything happened while Liam was in his parents care.

But once that had all been sorted out they’d just been happy to have Liam back with them again. Josh had never seen anyone cry as much as Karen Payne had the first time they’d dropped Liam back home. In fact he was pretty sure she’d been crying before they’d open the front door!

Poor Liam hadn’t known what to do at first – he just stood there awkwardly as she embraced him sobbing into his broad shoulder.

He smiles at the memory and takes a step back from the dresser.

“Well then” he says turning back to Liam. “You got everything you need?”

“Yeah I think so” Liam replies glancing about the room to double check.

“Alright then!” Josh says clapping his hands together with a quick smile. “I’d better be off then”

Liam gives a short laugh watching the energetic man in front of him. He’s used to being without their help somewhat – his mother makes up for the lack of presence by fussing over him every second that he’s with them. So he’s always got someone to help him out with anything he needs.

“I’ll urm, come see you off then” the younger lad says offering his own attempt at a grin in return.

Paul’s waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs staring up at them with an unimpressed look. Josh knows for sure that he’s not happy with how long it took them to take Liam’s minute amount of luggage up, but Josh hadn’t been up to Liam’s room before and so he’d wanted to get a good look at where the boy was now spending his weekends.

“Took you long enough didn’t it?” Paul gruffly asks when they make it down.

“Ah, yeah… Sorry, Liam was giving me the grand tour” Josh says grinning at a spluttering Liam.

“I-I wasn’t!”

“Don’t worry Liam. I know what this slackers like. Honestly, you guys! As soon as you step off of the ward you all start slacking off” the older man complains with a roll of his eyes.

There’s a round of laughter from Liam’s family at the words as Josh rubs the back of neck. He’s not about to deny the truth – although that doesn’t mean he’s above blaming Sandy.

“Well we’ll be back Sunday evening for you Liam” Paul announces with a soft smile. “Make the most of your freedom – God knows the rest of them would kill to be in your shoes I’m sure”

Liam laughs at this, shuffling from foot to foot as he glances at the floor.

“I don’t know… Louis seems to like messing with you guys too much. I think he’d get bored if he was here”

Josh grins a little at the retort. Since Liam had stated coming home again, he’d slowly started to gain confidence when he spoke to people. Only last week he’d made a flippant joking comment to Jon over something they’d been working on. Of course Jon had looked back at him bewildered until Liam had nervously asked if he’d said something wrong.

It was definitely a step in the right direction for the lad Josh thought to himself as they waved to the Payne family from the car.

“I’d say things are going pretty well with Liam wouldn’t you?” Josh says as Paul pulls out of the driveway.

“Yeah I guess so. As long as he can keep his depression under control and try and not let things build up to much. I’m really happy for him though – he’s made amazing progress”

“I guess all that stuff with Niall put things into perspective”

“Maybe. Although I think it might be down to Jon a little bit too. He’s the one who suggested the idea about seeing his family after all. If it hadn’t been for him pushing the idea so much it might have never have gone through”

Josh grins to himself as he watches the scenery whirl past them.

Thinking back on it now Josh couldn’t help but smile again as he watches Louis and Liam playfully bicker in front of him. He sighed watching as Liam took the higher ground by simply agreeing with Louis for the sake of ending the spat.

Maybe one day the boy might even be able to go home permanently…

-X-

Zayn’s sat scrawling a pencil across a blank page in his new notebook. It had been a gift from his older sister from the last time she had visited and Zayn intended to put it good use. He’d promised a portrait of her and their younger sisters in exchange for the gift and so he’d made a start as soon as the visit had ended.

It had been a month since he’d spoken to Paul about her visiting him. Apparently she’d made contact with the hospital and has asked to see him. Naturally the news had been shocking and for a while Zayn had wondered whether it was even a good idea to see her since it had been so long.

But apparently she’d left home recently after finding out the truth of what had really happened to him and why he’d mysteriously upped and left during the night.

She’d told him everything that had happened after he’d left. About how his parents had covered up the truth and had said that he’d been shipped off to study abroad in a high end boarding school.

In all honesty it hadn’t surprised him – if anything he’d expected them to lie to his family and friends about where he was.

What had worried him most was how his sisters had been coping under their parent’s tyrant rule. After all it hadn’t been hard for him to fall into bad habits and so he’d often wondered how they had been coping throughout the ordeal.

Thankfully she’d cleared that up for him too explaining that both of their younger siblings were well. Their grades were good and both had a promising future ahead of them. Apparently after Zayn’s disappearance his parents must have had a change of heart because suddenly his siblings had been allowed more freedom and their schedules were cut in half, leaving more time to do as pleased. Clearly his failure to yield results had made them think twice about applying so much pressure onto their children – and that was something Zayn could only be glad for in the end.

Of course his sister had also told his younger siblings the truth about where he really was and apparently they were just as desperate to come and see him.

The thought had made him smile at the time – to the point where he’d almost cried openly. But then his mind had strayed to the consequences it might bring them if his parents were to find out about them seeing him. No doubt they wouldn’t agree to such a thing, and would quickly put a stop to future visits.

But to his surprise he’d found that his older sister still saw them frequently, and she’d offered to bring them in secret whenever they stayed over in her and her new husband’s house.

At that he couldn’t hold the tears back and had sat sobbing into her shoulder for the rest of the visit thanking her repeatedly.

Since that first visit she had been to see him every weekend since, the last two times bringing his younger sisters to see him.

They’d both dived at him upon spotting his figure slouched in one of the waiting rooms flanked by Dan and Sandy. He’d barely had time to turn at the sound of his name before they’d both had their arms wrapped around his slim waist crying. Both of them had grown since he’d since them last, they were far taller than he remembered and even more beautiful. He couldn’t hold back the smile that was fighting its way to his face, and despite the fact that they had been both crying it was a tender moment, one that he wouldn’t forget.

He’d been able to spend the whole day with them in the end, pouring over the photos from his eldest sister’s wedding and talking about how well his two younger sisters were getting on at school. Of course they were also curious about how his treatment was going and when he might be able to leave.

It had been hard to explain the situation to them without sounding too negative. But as far as he could tell they had seemed to take it well. They understood that it wasn’t a simple fix – and that it could be a long time before he was even close to progress.

Naturally they’d encouraged him to do his best and promised to write whenever they could.

All in all the visit had been a good one and he couldn’t wait to see them again. This time round hopefully wouldn’t be as teary as the last two.

He’d been trying to make a genuine effort to eat ever since the first visit too. After a long and very open conversation with Lou he’d asked if he might be able to start having small snacks throughout the day. Of course it hadn’t been easy and some days he didn’t even bother – but on the days he did manage it he couldn’t stop smiling. Every mouthful seemed like one more step towards freedom on the good days, despite the occasional after guilt.

Having said that there were still the days when he just couldn’t face eating at all. No one had ever said it would be plain sailing and Zayn was well aware that there would more than likely always be days like that.

But with the promise of an open room at his older sister’s place if he ever did get out he’d simply try again the next day and pull himself out of the slump.

The thought of moving in with his sister made him smile as he added another layer of shading to her hair in the picture. It was coming along nicely and he liked the simply black and white way he’d drawn it.

Originally she’d asked for him to include himself as well, but somehow he felt like he couldn’t bring himself to include a self-portrait into the mix. He knew for sure he’d never be happy with it if he tried. The way he viewed himself right now was too harsh and no matter how many time he redrew it he knew deep down he’d never feel like it was right.

She’d be nothing but understanding towards him and had waved it off saying to just draw the three of them – and that was something he felt like he could do.

The sound if soft footfalls makes him pause in his work. He expects to see Jon standing there when he glances up, and so to see Louis’s figure lurking in the doorway is a little surprising

As far as he’d been aware everyone else was out right now. Liam had gone back home for the weekend, and both Harry and Niall were out in the gardens with Sandy enjoying the sun. It seems he’d somehow forgotten about Louis.

The older boy doesn’t say anything though, instead he stands watching from the doorway as Zayn stares back raising an eyebrow as though silently questioning his presence.

“What?” He asks noting the way Louis draws back a little suddenly looking as though he might flee.

“Nothing” the shorter lad replies glancing about the room and genuinely trying to give off an aloof vibe. “I’m just… Bored”

Zayn internally sighs in annoyance. Louis had been clinging to Liam ever since Niall had returned – and although everyone now seemed closer where Louis was concerned, Zayn had still felt the need to keep his distance.

Louis was, and always would be, unpredictable. It didn’t take much for him to go through a 360 personality switch, and that was something that always worried Zayn. There was no way he wanted to risk being on the other end of a vengeful Louis in all his angry, and downright sinister glory.

Yet Liam suddenly didn’t have a problem despite the many times that Louis had rather openly declared that he was going to kill, maim, strangle or cause any other form of bodily harm to him. He now would spend most of the week trotting around after the impish boy picking up his mess and soothing his tantrums.

In Zayn’s opinion it wasn’t worth the effort. If Louis was going to kick off he would do so without consideration for those around him.

“And you want me to do what about this?” He retorts boldly, fixing a narrowed look on the shorter boy.

“Was just wondering what you were up too…” Comes the sulky reply. “No need to sound so suspicious”

There’s always a reason to be suspicious when it comes to Louis. Even now none of their carers on the ward let their guard down around the chestnut haired boy – so why should he? Louis gave them nothing _but_ reason to suspect any nice/calm behaviour in the past. This little lapse of calm was no different.

“I’m drawing” he answers going back to his sketch book.

“Hmm… What’re you drawing?”

“A picture”

“Of?”

He feels his eyebrow twitch in annoyance. Just how long was Louis going to play this game? Why hadn’t he grown bored of him yet?

“It’s for my sisters”

“Oh! Can I draw them something too?”

He lifts his head to stare back at him again suddenly noting the air of interest and the way he looks a lot more like his usual animated self. It’s a bad sign he can only tell himself.

“Urm…”

“Please?! I won’t get in your way, I’ll draw it at the coffee table” Louis bargains.

Zayn guesses that can’t hurt, he won’t be under his feet if he sits at the table, and yet he’ll still be close enough to keep an eye on - just in case he needs to bolt that is.

“Okay…” He agrees cautiously, watching as Louis takes a seat on the floor resting his arms atop of the wooden table top.

“Can I have a piece of paper?”

Keeping his eyes fixed on the boy in front of him Zayn slowly turns the page he’s currently working on and takes the page behind it between finger and thumb. Carefully, so as not to completely destroy the page, he pulls it from the book creating a perfectly neat tear. Once free, he hands the page over to Louis who’s quick to snatch up an orange pencil from the pile littering the table.

Zayn has no idea what the scrawl across the page is meant to be, or if it’s meant to be anything at all. But he can’t help but silently watch on as more and more colours are added and smudged together. More than likely Louis was simply dragging the pencils across the page and not even really paying attention to what he was doing; however the attempt to try didn’t go unnoticed, and Zayn returned to what he was doing wordlessly.

Somehow it felt like they had made an unspoken truce, or maybe healed the rift that had been between them ever since they had both met. Either way Zayn would gladly take it over Louis’s usual annoying self any day.

-X-

The gardens are really quite pretty Niall thinks to himself. It’s not somewhere they often go and so he usually jumps at the chance to visit. Naturally it’s even better when he gets to go with Harry.

They’re currently sat atop of a picnic blanket, Harry with his head in Niall’s lap, legs stretched out in front of them both. Niall had idly started to weave his fingers through Harry’s mop of curls, twirling strands around his fingers before smoothing them back down again.

The suns out too, beaming a warm glow of heat down upon them keeping them at a suitable temperature. For saying they were still in spring there was an odd summery vibe in the air. Not that Niall’s complaining of course – it was good to get some sun every now and then.

They’d made a mini feast earlier too, Sandy had taken them down to the kitchens earlier and together they’d hijacked a box of food to take out into the gardens. Needless to say it was apparently something they should have told Paul about according to Sandy; so he’d been quick to swear them both to secrecy.

“You okay?” Harry suddenly asks his voice soft.

Niall glances down to him breaking away from his thoughts to see Harry glancing up at him, one eye open, squinting a little to avoid the suns glare. Niall beams back, leaning over to act as shield from the harsh rays. Of course Harry appreciates it and smiles indulgently – reaching up to stoke a hand down his cheek.

“I’m good!” Niall replies cheerfully. “Just thinking about how nice it is today”

“Yeah, I guess it is” Harry agrees tilting his head back up to stare at the open blue sky above them.

Niall softens his smile as he watches him. He knows Harry still isn’t quite over what happened. In fact to start with he’d refused to leave Niall’s side for a second, even for therapy sessions. They’d had to start going to joint sessions together, of course Niall didn’t mind. If anything he enjoyed Harry tagging along – it gave him more confidence to speak out about how he was really doing.

But Lou of course had worried, as she always did. She seemingly thought that neither of them would ever be able to become independent because of it.

So Paul had intervened, speaking to Harry in depth about it, going over everything that had happened. Harry hadn’t been happy about the idea of being without each other again, he’d kicked off and shouted at Paul over it. But Niall had overheard everything, seeing as Harry wouldn’t speak to Paul without him there, and decided to take matters into his own hands for once.

Maybe they wouldn’t ever be able to fully develop into independent people. But maybe they didn’t need to. Niall couldn’t ever see himself leaving Harry willingly, in fact if they ever did leave the hospital he could only see them moving into a place of their together. So really in the end they’d always be together in some way. The only thing they really needed to work on was not necessarily standing next to each other at all times.

Due to that realisation Niall had taken the first step and had asked to try seeing Lou on his own.

Harry hadn’t been happy – he’d kicked off, shouted and screamed. But Niall had stood firm under his sharp gaze, not willing to back down. It had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life, but he wouldn’t waver – not this time.

In the end Harry had had no choice but to accept it. Niall had explained (as best he could) that they needed to learn to be away from each sometimes. He’d added that it wouldn’t be the end of the world, and that they’d still be with one another for the rest of the time; just not for therapy sessions.

Of course it had been tough. The first time Niall had left the ward with Dan he’d thought he was going to have a panic attack as he’d turned round to find Harry was no longer a step behind him. The memory of being taken away to the other hospital had surfaced clearly before him as he’d stepped forward, walls closing in a little. But he continued forward anyway trying to find the feeling he’d felt when he’d been reunited with Harry again, lying inside the warmth of the fort.

It had helped somewhat calm him and push away the ever increasing panic rising inside. That wasn’t to say it had magically disappeared of course, there would never be permanent fix for that. He knew well enough that there would never be a cure to fix any of this – but at least he knew how to fight back now.

He smiled wistfully at the memory pulling a little at Harry’s hair and grinning as he watched him sit up and yelp.

“Hey! What was that for?” Harry asked sounding little sulky as he rubbed at the patch of hair Niall had pulled.

“You looked sad” Niall told him cheerfully. “So I pulled your hair to distract you from whatever you were thinking about!”  

“Niall! That’s a terrible reason. Geez…” Harry complained as he poked Niall in the arm.

“Were you thinking about your mum again?” Niall asks softly, trying to approach the topic carefully.

Instantly the cheery and somewhat summery atmosphere dims and Niall worries over whether it was right to mention it. But Harry doesn’t tell him to drop it, neither does he get angry. Instead he looks off to the side a little awkwardly.

“I… Yeah, I guess I was” he admits fiddling with a blade of grass.

“And?” Niall prods.

“I figured that maybe I should see her… I mean it wouldn’t hurt would it?”

Niall feels like cheering, he wants to bundle Harry up in his arms and cry in joy. The curly haired boy had been thinking about meeting his mother ever since Niall had been brought back to the hospital. Of course he still didn’t know what had brought the sudden change of heart on – he was just happy that he had finally been considering it again.

Ann was a kind woman - and Niall remembered her in a good light. She had been a doting mother, always attentive to her children and there when they needed her; despite her nightly activities. She wasn’t a bad mother no matter what her methods of affording for her family were. She’d done it out of love and wasn’t that the most important thing?

Niall thought so.

Yet Harry had shut her out. He’d closed off all contact and said no to her visits, building a wall around himself so as to hide away from her. It was a stretch for him to even read any of the letters she sent, and in the end Niall would end up reading them to him as they fell asleep curled around each other.

She’d been a taboo subject – one that even Niall didn’t dare directly ask about.

But now Harry was quite open about it, and he’d been talking it through with Lou recently. It was a good sign, so Paul had asked him about possibly seeing her again.

“You should see her! You should definitely see her Harry!” Niall said encouragingly.

He was desperate for Harry to go for it. They only had one life after all and they had to make the best of it. So reconnecting with his mother was worth a shot and Niall knew she definitely wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to see him again – despite what Harry thought.

“Do you really think…? Will she really say yes?” Harry asks biting his lip.

And here it was – Harry’s unwarranted fear that his mother had turned her back on him. It had been there brewing under his skin ever since the news of her remarriage reached them via that fateful letter.

Niall guessed he couldn’t really call Harry’s fear unwarranted. It was something that bothered the curly haired boy, and so in Niall’s mind it was automatically something important. Yet looking back on Harry’s mother she didn’t seem to be the type to just _abandon_ Harry either.

All the same he just wanted to encourage Harry to see her, talk to her, and maybe figure this whole situation between them out. The way Niall saw it there was no way that she would decline the opportunity - not after she’d been so desperate to get in contact with Harry before.

In fact the only the only reason she’d stopped trying had been because Harry had asked her to. It was out of respect of Harry’s own wishes, and a selfless decision no matter which way you painted it.

After the letter announcing her re-marriage had arrived Harry had gloomily looked it over reading his mother’s curled script with a blank expression. Once finished the letter had ended up in Niall’s hands with a favour to place it with the others. He’d never spoken about it after that, never said he was happy for her. Paul had only been told later to cease communication between them, no more letters, no more pictures, nothing.

He’d totally cut the ties between them only leaving frayed threads of the close relationship they’d once had behind.

It had been too long.

But it could be fixed. The threads could easily be tied back together, stronger and more durable to Harry’s temper. But the two of them had to be willing, and Niall’s uncertainty didn’t lie with Harry’s mother; it laid with Harry.

If Harry backed out then the spiral would never end and both of them would only wind up hurt again.

“Of course she will!” Niall tells the curly haired boy crowding into his space and pressing their foreheads together. “She’s your mum, and she loves you” he adds softly, trying to distil even just a small amount of confidence into Harry.

The other nods slowly, searching Niall’s eyes briefly for some sort of trickle of doubt – yet he finds nothing in those blue depths. His boyfriends gaze is firm, it doesn’t waver or break from his. There’s no denying that Niall truly believes in what he’s saying.

A soft sigh leaves Harry’s mouth and he glances at the sheet their sat upon tangling his fingers into Niall’s.

“Then… I guess I better talk to Paul right?” He says trying to calm his racing heart.

“I’ll be right there with you” Niall whispers vowing to himself to be the strong one this time.

Harry grins looking back up into the sky again with a soft smile playing on his lips.

-X-

Louis taps his feet against the floor nervously, chewing his lip, and running a hand though his messy hair. He hates the fluttering feeling in his stomach that keeps rising as the minuets tick away. It’s annoying, and it doesn’t suit is normal boisterous temperament.

Out of pure irritation he spears a generous glance at the clock again in the corner and huffs in exasperation as the feeling comes rolling back again.

10 minutes – he thinks to himself. 10 minutes late.

Again his hand returns to his hair, and a glance in the mirror tells him that the damage he’s caused to the mop atop his head is permanent now. Another fault to add to ever growing list.

He’d spent an age that morning standing in front of his wardrobe picking out the ‘perfect outfit’ and style for his hair. He’d wanted to at least _look_ decent seeing as his mental state was far from it. Yet now his efforts felt as though they’d be in vain and the appearance he’d left his room in was long gone.

He drops into the worn arm chair in the corner and huffs childishly, eyes narrowed as he glares at the door. What the ever loving hell was keeping her?

“Louis, calm down” Josh says from the sofa sitting opposite him.

The other boy had been appointed to accompany him that morning – not that Louis had a problem with this. If anything he’d assumed that Josh would serve as his entertainment while he’d waited, that soon proved to be untrue.

Instead the other had only smiled and stayed quiet as Louis had rambled the whole way there. Then upon arrival the older had seated himself down in the sofa watching Louis with a cautious eye.

Supposedly no one trusted him still, and the knowledge that his mother had contacted the hospital to arrange a meeting with him after all this time had done little to change that.

It had happened about a month after Niall had been brought back to the ward. Paul had approached him after his meeting with Lou, cautiously handing him a pristine white envelope with his name and ward number scrawled across in black ink. His mother had written to the hospital requesting to arrange meeting with him, and Louis would have been lying if he’d said the timing of it all hadn’t made him suspicious.

It had been so long since he’d last been in contact with his family. He’d already cut connections with them once, (or so he’d thought), choosing to ignore the letters sent. Although he’d been well aware of his mother’s frequent visits to the hospital to see Paul for updates on how he was doing. But he’d never once actually gone as far to meet her himself.

She’d asked after him a couple of times, but Louis had been quick to turn the offer down with a wave of his hand. So eventually she’d stopped trying – he could only assume that she’d finally got the message that he didn’t want to see her. As harsh as it might have sounded, it was in Louis’s opinion the best option for them both.

So now it seemed odd that she’d tried again after such a long time of radio silence from his end. Had he not made it explicitly obvious that he didn’t want to see them?

His curiosity had gotten the best of him though, and he’d cautiously agreed to meeting on the basis that he was keen to get to the bottom of this insane lack of judgement on his mother part.

However now he was beginning to regret it. She should have been there 10 minutes ago, and her lack of presence was making him anxious.

“I can’t!” He whined back at Josh, folding his arms across his chest frowning through the window ahead of him.

It was at that point he saw a woman rush past the glass quickly. His body tensed, freezing in place as his mind tried to catch up with what he’do just seen. The long hair was familiar, as was the turquoise scarf and pinched expression.

His heart clenched in his chest followed by an aching sensation. The feeling isn’t familiar to him, so it unsurprisingly sets of his defensive, and slightly aggressive state of mind.

“Ah looks like she’s here” Josh confirms glancing out the window to the front desk where the woman’s currently stood talking to the receptionist.

The confirmation does nothing for turmoil currently wreaking havoc in Louis’s mind though. He’s taken to pacing about the room, digging his nails into the soft skin of his palms.

The image of his mother stood in the family kitchen, palm pressed to her forehead as she listened to his shrieking sisters, surfaces in his mind. Quiet words that she’d whispered, sounding strained and laced with stress, echo loudly above the noises from the hospital.

It seems that he can’t quite conjure good memories of her now, and guilt rises as he watches her rummage around her bag handing over a wad of paperwork to the woman behind the counter.

“ _Louis please, not now darling_ ”

Louis turns his head to the floor, shielding his eyes from view behind his hair. He’d never really dwelled on how his hospitalisation had effected his mother. He’d felt pain for his sisters having to witness the whole ordeal, and he may have shed tears of regret late at night when he was tucked away beneath the sheets on his bed.

However his mother was a different person altogether - he’d never even considered what it might have done to her.

The door to the room slides open suddenly and the impish boy jerks out from his reverie, facing away from the door, letting the panic settle in his stomach.

“Hello” he hears Josh say from behind him. “Come in, come in”

Behind him he hears the offering of soft greetings between the two, followed by shuffling about, but he doesn’t move - he doesn’t dare.

“I’ll erm, give you minuet. If you need anything I’m just outside” Josh then says.

The comment’s met by silence.

Josh stands awkwardly at the side of the room looking between the two of them nervously, unsure whether to cut in or not. Louis’s mother watching her son with a pained expression as he stands facing the wall, stock still and shoulders tensed.

“Louis” he calls feeling a trickle of worry run through him.

He prays to whoever may be listening in that moment that Louis isn’t about to have an episode. Lord knows he can’t handle the boy on his own.

Quickly he strides across the room towards the boy. Carefully moving into his view, ensuring not to startle him – there’s no way he’s taking a punch to the face just because he’d been worried.

“Hey, you okay?” He asks quietly, glancing to the boy’s mother quickly.

Louis stares through Josh for a moment - something that had done more than thrown the other for a moment. But just as Josh plants a hand on his shoulder Louis suddenly focuses his eyes on him, blinking slowly.

“What?” he asks looking less than impressed and more like his arsy self again.

“You okay?” Josh asks again suddenly not so sure about this meeting.

It had seemed like a good idea when first discussed, and even Paul had said it was a positive sign when Louis had agreed to it. But now with the funny turn the boy had just taken, he wasn’t so sure.

“Of course I am” Louis tells him sharply, narrowing his gaze on Josh with his normal frosty tone.

“Right” Josh replies sighing. “Well I’ll be right outside if you need anything okay?”

Again Louis gives him one of his standard snide responses and rolls his eyes. “Be good” he decides to add playfully before he leaves.

Louis glares at his retreating form, tracking him with his eyes as he walks through the door and disappears from view. But now he’s alone, alone with the woman he’d been avoiding for the past five years. She’d here, right in front of him, no longer a spectral from the past, dressed up smartly with a dainty smile gracing her lips.

There’s a silence that stretches between them for what seems like an age as he takes in her appearance with an expression akin to awe. He has to credit her though, she doesn’t move away or even so much as flinch under his scrutinising gaze. It’s all the more proof that’s she’s truly _his_ mother – the woman who had put up with his unyieldingly odd behaviour as a child.

Finally he takes in a deep breath, replenishing the air in his lung, and takes a slight step forward, feeling a wet sting in his eyes.

His mother takes a breath too, her shoulders sagging as she gives him a sympathetic smile. But then it’s as though the five year gap between them doesn’t exist and she opens her arms for hug, and Louis can’t it within himself to deny her.

He rushes across the room and holds her tight to his chest, burying his head into her hairline.

“Hello Lou” she says softly.

“Hi mum” he croaks back finally letting five years of buried emotion trickle down his cheeks.

-X-

Josh grins from outside the window, watching as Louis’s mum embraces her son for a few more moments before pushing him back a little, holding him at arm’s length to get a better look at him. It’s a moment that’s clearly long overdue he thinks to himself as the woman breaks into fresh batch of tears and hugs her boy once more. Somehow he can’t help but shake his head at the pair as they move over to the sofa and sit side by side; clutching each other’s hands tightly like they’re afraid to let go. It’s both a heart-warming and heart breaking sight to watch them. There’s clearly so much they both want to say to each other, and it’s so painfully sad that it’s taken this long for it to finally happen. In hindsight he’s just glad that it _is_ happening – and hopefully something good will come of it in the end.

The care worker watches for a few minutes longer, taking the time to observe Louis closely and make sure he’s definitely settled, before he nods to one of the other guys on guard and steps away. He’s pretty sure at this point that they can handle Louis if he gets rowdy, and they’ll no doubt call ward 37 if anything extreme happens, so he safely deduces that he can take his leave for a while.

As he walks back towards the ward he spots Liam walking with Jon, the two of them smiling cheerfully and making light conversation. Quickly he makes his way over two them clamping a hand down on Liam’s shoulder making the younger boy jump.

“Josh!” he yells flinging an arm out pushing him back in surprise. “What was that for dummy?!”

In response the budding drummer grins, instead slapping him playfully on the back.

“Good to see you too Liam” he laughs offering a greeting to an amused Jon.

“Yeah right, some greeting…” the young boy mutters rubbing his shoulder.

“Ah, don’t sulk kiddo, it _is_ good to see you. How was the trip home? Your parents all good?”

“Of course!” Liam replies, bad mood gone at the mention of his family. “They were sad to see me go as always – I’m glad they miss me of course, but I wish I could stay longer sometimes…” he says sadly.

Josh can’t help but sigh at him. He knows that the boy’s thankful he gets to go home, after all poor Zayn will likely never have that chance – not that he’d probably want to. But whenever he comes back it’s always with the sense of longing for the weekends again. Although Josh always wonders if these weekend visits are a sign that one day Liam’s going to be free to leave for good. While it would be nice to see one of the boys leave the hospital, he knows that he’d also feel somewhat mournful towards the situation. He’s gotten so close to them after all, and the thought of no longer seeing them seems next to impossible now.

Not that he’d ever go as far as to attempt to squash any chance of them being able to leave.

“Must be good to know that people miss you while you’re away…” Jon says sounding a little jealous.

Josh grins wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“You my friend need to find yourself a lady” he tells him teasingly, laughing when he spots Liam biting his cheek in an attempt to conceal a cheeky smile from the side.

“Oi!” Jon scolds shoving him off watching as his two companions derive their own amusement at his expense. “Geez, can we _please_ get back to the ward now? Liam’s session with Lou ran over schedule, and no doubt Paul will send a search party out for us soon if we don’t get moving” he informs them both with a stern look.

“Yes sir!” they both say sharing a discreet smile.

Once back on the ward Liam immediately heads towards the den. It’s not unusual, and the other boys are no doubt in there – minus Louis of course.

His assumptions are dead on it turns out. As soon as he crosses the threshold of the room he spots both Harry and Niall perched on the sofa as though waiting for something. Niall’s humming cheerfully to himself, legs rocking back and forth almost like a child, while Harry flicks though a magazine an expression of boredom pasted on his face.

Naturally both of them turn to look at Liam and himself as they walk in, and Niall’s quick to jump up and welcome them back.

“Guess what!” he demands excitedly.

As usual Liam grimaces slightly at Niall’s hyper attitude towards almost everything in life. But he relents a second later, indulging the boy that no one seems to be able to the resist.

“What, what?” Liam asks quickly.

Niall _almost_ pouts at Liam’s lack of excitement, instead he draws back and folds his arms childishly.

“You have to guess” he tells the other boy sounding utterly unimpressed.

“Urm… You’re going to meet your brother?” Liam responds rubbing the back of his neck thoughtfully.

“Nope”

“Paul’s taking you and Harry into town?”

“Nope”

“Jon’s allowed you to have extra dessert at lunch?”

“I wish! But no”

Liam sighs, dropping his head dejectedly.

“Then I have no idea – you’ll have to tell me”

As though he’d been expecting Liam to give up all along, Niall turns on heel spinning round once dramatically while announcing his news.

“Paul’s taking us down to the cooking rooms!”

Josh looks on bewilderedly, blinking in confusion at the blonde haired boy. Had he heard correctly? Was Niall being serious?

“Really?” Liam asks looking faintly pleased with the idea. “But we haven’t been there in _ages_. Well not since Louis nearly set the place on fire…”

Harry scoffs and rolls his eyes at the mention is Louis’s last achievement.

“And _that’s_ probably _why_ it’s been ages since we last went” he says dryly.

Liam laughs at the statement, giving his agreement with a nod.

“You might be right there… Then again is it any surprise when you think that he did turn the oven to the highest setting and leave it for an hour”

Josh pales at the thought, his head conjuring the picture of people rushing about a smoky room while Louis stood to the side furiously insisting that it wasn’t his fault, and passing the blame to the charred remains of a recipe book. It looked like he was in for an interesting day after all.

Paul appears a few seconds later bringing with him a half-awake looking Zayn in his shadow.

“Oh you’re back” he says in greeting. “How was Louis?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. I figured it’d be okay to come back since he seemed to be doing alright” Josh explains leaning in the doorway as Zayn passes him going to greet the others with sleepy demeanour. “Niall says we’re going to cooking rooms?” he inquires as he watches the blonde pounce on Zayn quick to inform of their upcoming adventure.

“Yeah, figured now was as good a time as any since Louis’s away – I take it you’ve already been informed about what happened last time?”

“Naturally”

“Well better get this over with then” Paul says not sounding as positive as Josh wishes he would.

-X-

The cooking suite is bigger than Josh had thought it might be. It’s almost like something he remembered from school – but on a much larger scale. There’s several different counters, complete with cupboards all laid out in neat rows, each with their own oven, sink, and counter top stove. It’s a fairly impressive set up if Josh is honest, and he’s slightly worried at the thought of just how much damage could potentially be caused.

“Stop looking to concerned you’re making me nervous” Paul tells him as he walks past the anxious man, a hyper Niall and sombre looking Harry following in his footsteps.

“Are you _sure_ this is good idea?” he asks Paul for the millionth time.

“As long as we keep a close watch on them – yes. Now go and watch dumb and dumber over there” Paul tells him jerking a finger over to where Harry and Niall are pulling out several bowls from the cupboards and scattering them about the counter; generally just making a mess. They seem to be eager to start, and Josh is regretting nit fighting Paul on who he was assigned to watch over.

“Hey, don’t look so worried” Jon slyly says patting him on the back in a way that seems all too familiar.

“Easier for you to say, you’ve got Liam and Zayn the most sensible of the bunch” his whispers harshly back.

Jon laughs in response giving his wards a backwards glance and nodding.

“That’s true, but how much damage do you really think the two lovebirds can really cause?”

Josh can’t help the sassy schoolgirl are-you-actually-kidding-me look that falls across his face.

“I’m dealing with a hyper active sugar induced five year old trapped in a 19 year olds body, and a melodramatic dangerously over possessive and not to mention borderline psychotic teenager, and you’re wondering what could _possible_ go wrong?!”

“You may have a point…” Jon eventually agrees folding his arms and glancing over Josh’s shoulders in admiration at the pair behind him. “At least Paul’s the only one who’s allowed to touch the oven though…”

Josh guesses he has to be thankful for small miracles.

He’s faintly surprised to learn that Harry has used to work in bakery though.

“It was just a weekend thing” Harry tells him while stirring his ingredients in a large bowl.

Niall’s already finished his, much to everyone’s surprise, and is currently cheerfully washing his used pots and pans in the sink. Harry had made the choice to bake cupcakes when they’d stood pouring over the recipe book Niall had grabbed from the rack in the corner. It had seemed like a good choice, and saved the hassle of trying to get a decision out of Niall who had paled at the large selection of pastries, loafs, and other sugary condiments.

“Seriously? Wow, I didn’t take you as the type” Josh comments smiling as Harry takes extra care to mix everything together in the bowl in front of him.

“What do you mean by that?” Harry asks sharply giving him a harsh look as he pauses in his whisking.

Immediately Josh holds his hands up in surrender, quickly trying to think of a way to placate the nerve he’d obviously struck with his thoughtless comment. Sometimes it was easy to forget that these boys were a little different.

“I didn’t mean… Well… I just… I thought you’d be spending your weekends with Niall… I didn’t think you’d have spare time for such things” he says quickly stumbling over his words in a rush.

Harry watches him for a second, clearly thinking it over in his head. But after a moment Josh guesses that the answer must have a passed Harry’s filter of what he deemed an acceptable response, as he goes back to stirring with a sigh.

“Niall used to come with me. He’d sit behind the counter and chat with all the other ladies who worked there. They loved him of course, and he was forever getting free samples off them” Harry explains, a faint smile touching his lips.

It’s an easy sight to picture, Harry dressed in a pinny and Niall sitting on a crate chatting cheerfully to a group of doting grandmother type ladies.

“I guess you were good at baking then?” Josh asks leaning against the counter.

“Of course!” Niall injects out of nowhere coming over to stand by Harry. “Harry’s the best at baking!”

Josh isn’t surprised to see that Niall’s covered in flour and the boy has several smears of it on his face, in his hair, and down the front of his jeans. It was kind of amazing when Josh thought back to Harry deliberately dressing the boy in a pinny first and knotting it twice at the back so as Niall would need his help in getting it off, just to ensure that he didn’t take it off before he was done baking.

“Oi! It wasn’t like that!” Harry protests looking a little embarrassed at Niall’s high praise.

“But Harry… You said you wanted to own a bakery of your own one day?” the blonde says looking a little confused.

Harry looks a little sheepish at that and turns his head to the counter bashfully. His true colours brought out thanks to Niall once again. Josh grins at the little display, thankful for Niall’s constant honestly.

It’s then that Harry suddenly frowns, hands reaching out for the bottle of Vanilla Essence that Niall had brought back over after he’d finished using it. He turns it over in his hands once and glances back at Niall, suddenly looking slightly concerned.

“Hey Ni… How much of this did you put in?” he asks cautiously.

Niall glance at the bottle and looks thoughtful for second upon realising what Harry’s holding. He spins round to grab the recipe book and points to the ingredients lists printed on the page.

“Well it said three tablespoons… But that didn’t look enough to me, and I really like vanilla, so I added five instead!”

Harry blanches at the boy for a second before pushing away his bowl and turning to face Niall properly. Josh is suddenly _very_ concerned about how Niall’s cupcakes are going to turn out once cooked.

“Ni, what does the book say exactly?” Harry asks slowly looking hesitant.

“It says three… tisps?” Niall recites squinting at the book clearly not fully understanding.

“Do you know what tsp means?” Harry asks.

“Tablespoons right?” Niall answers brightly.

Josh smacks a hand to his forehead.

“Ni, how much did you put in of everything?”

Again Niall looks thoughtful as he glances down to the ingredients lists.

“Hmm, 800 grams of flour” he says. “It does say to use 300 grams of sugar… But I really like sugar so I added in an extra 200 just to be sure. 50 grams of butter, cause butter’s bad for you so I didn’t want to use 100…”

Quickly Josh can see that Niall’s baking has clearly gone wrong. For starters he was only meant to use 400 grams of flour, and god knows why he had only used half of the advised amount of butter with a flimsy health excuse – did he not realise that sugar was also bad in large amounts?

Harry for the most part only gives a strained smile to the boy of his affections, pulling back his own mixtures and sighing fondly.

“Did I do it wrong?” Niall asks sounding worried as he clenches at the recipe book searching Harry for answers.

“No Niall, you did good, really good. Can you pass me a baking tray?”

Niall quietly does as asked and hands Harry the baking tray wordlessly while not quite looking him in the eyes. Clearly the action doesn’t go down well with Harry, and the curly haired boy sighs curling a hand around Niall’s slim wrist to pull him close and press a chaste kiss into his hair.

“Don’t make that face Nialler. You did really well – I’m sure they’ll come out perfect, you’ll see” he tells the blonde firmly. “Have faith in yourself”

Josh smiles at the pair, turning away to give them privacy for a second. He casually picks up a recipe book at the side of him and pretends to be reading through it.

Of course he isn’t so blind to the fact that Harry goes over to Paul later on when the older man is taking the cupcakes out from the oven. It’s clear to Josh that he’s asked a favour from the way he twiddles slightly with his hands and glances away as he waits for a response.

So later when the boys are taste testing the fruits of their labour Josh sends a discreet smile Harry’s way when Niall’s cakes end up tasting amazing compared to Harry’s that are overly sweet and a little on the dry side.

It’s clear to him that there’s been a deliberate mix up – despite the fact that Paul had adamantly confirmed which were Harry’s and which were Niall’s.

But he’s not about to say anything, not when Niall’s face lights up when he takes a bite of one of his cakes only to find that Harry been right when he’d said they’d turn out okay. It’s too much of a precious moment to spoil in his opinion.

-X-

It’s around 5 o’clock when Josh glances up at the clock and decides that it’s high time that he went to collect Louis. There’s been no panicked call from anyone to say that the boys gone on a murderous  rampage, and no one’s demanded that they go and collect him early, and so Josh can only assume that the meetings gone well. Although that being said he’s not about to get his hopes up, Louis _is_ a constantly ticking time bomb after all, and fully capable of switching moods faster than a light switch.

That in mind he gives Paul the signal that he’s off to collect the mischievous boy, receiving a curt nod from the older man in response. He’s about to leave the room when Niall suddenly starts yelling from behind him. Obviously his first thought is that the boy’s having some sort of episode or panic, so it comes as a surprise when he almost crashes into him while turning to find out what was wrong.

“Give this to Louis!” the blonde instructs while thrusting a freshly iced cupcake, courtesy of Harry, into his hand.

For a moment Josh simply stares bewilderedly down at the confectionary resting in his palm looking utterly dumbstruck.

“Urm…”

“He’ll be hungry right?” Niall mutters twiddling his fingers seemingly a little embarrassed. “Plus he didn’t get to come with us today right? So I figured it would only be right to offer him one…”

“I’m sure he’ll love it” Josh finally says eyes softening as he takes in Niall’s nervous form and the way he’s suddenly kicking the toe of his shoes into the floor.

“You think so?” the younger boy asks glancing up at him curiously.

“Of course he will!” Josh tells him confidently. “But if I don’t go now he won’t get a chance to eat it will he?”

That apparently gets Niall’s attention, and no sooner has he spoken the words he finds himself being pushed out of the door by the Irish boy.

“Go, go, go!” he shrieks shoving him out of the room.

“I’m going, I’m going – see you later!”

Honestly he thinks to himself. He really loves them, but sometimes these boys can be a little much…

He finds Louis’s still sat with his mother, apparently they had been out earlier wandering around the gardens together according to the lady at the meeting hall’s reception. But other than that the two of them had literally been talking within the confines of the same room for most of the day. Although this doesn’t comes as much of a surprise to Josh; he imagines that after five years they have a lot to catch up on.

That being said as soon as he walks into the room Louis’s head jerks up to stare at him, and Josh realises in that moment that he may just have a fight on his hands here to get Louis to leave.

The pixie haired boy obviously knows why he’s there, and from that knows what it means for him and his mum. But he just doesn’t want it to end, at least not yet.

They truly had had a lot of things to catch up. She’d told him about his sisters, and what they were up to these day, and about his they missed him so much. They spoke about the divorce from her last husband, and how she’s met someone new, and “oh he’s just so perfect Louis, I’m sure you’ll love him”.

But he finds himself smiling. She sits and rambles and gushes, threading her hands through his hair and clutching at him, and he’s _smiling_. It’s one of those smiles that actually hurts after a while, and you can’t push it off. It’s a smile that’s so simple for other people, _normal_ people, and yet he hasn’t found himself with one in over five years.

Yet all it had taken was for his mother, this strange, wonderful, _irreplaceable_ woman in front of him to show up. For her to say she forgave him, and that she loved him, and he’d managed to find it within himself to just for a second let go.

Maybe he’d get frustrated again, and maybe he’d never leave. He knew it was probably for the best for him to remain on the ward – and somehow that was okay. But at least now he didn’t have to be there with the thought that he’d never see his family again.

His mother had told him that his sisters wanted to see him too, even Daisy who’d been so frightened that she’d refused to see him when he’d left. She apparently had regretted it so much after he’d gone, so much that she still cried when she thought about him. It had made Louis’s heart ache a little as his mother told him, and he wanted nothing more than to see her and tell her it was okay, that he was okay.

Not that it was the entire truth, but he did feel better somehow.

But now looking at Josh standing there in the doorway giving him one of those sad smiles, he realises that it’s time to head back, and he’s _really_ not okay with that.

“Not yet!” He finds himself saying. “Just, just a little bit longer”

Josh gives him an awkward look, twisting a little on spot and sighing.

“Louis-”

“No! It can’t be time – she only just got here!” He knows it can’t be true somehow, but it doesn’t even feel like she’s been there an hour yet to him, the time had gone so fast.

But then he hears a soft chuckle from his side and whips round to stare at his mother, she’s reaching for her bag, looping it over her arm before she clutches his fingers again in her lap.

“What are you d-”

“You knew I would only be able to stay so long, we both did. Remember what we talked about, you must try Louis. I know it won’t be easy, but there again no one said it would be right?” She tells him gently, speaking in soft tones in a way he finds almost calming.

All the same there’s a faint buzzing in his mind that keeps protesting against her leaving. He feels his fingers starting to shake within her hands and quickly snatches them away from her, leaving a shocked expression building on his mothers face. But then she melts into a smile, light, forgiving and completely understanding. It’s makes him feel like a child, which irritates him slightly, drawing up unpleasant thoughts.

But he doesn’t get a chance to think on it too long as she’s suddenly standing up, making Louis jump and push back into the sofa away from her. It’s a natural instinct and he feels his fingers ball into fists ready to strike out.

She doesn’t move though, doesn’t even bat an eyelid at what should be what Louis presumes from what he’s been told to be an odd thing to do. The woman simply smiles and offers him her hand to pull him.

“I suppose I best be off then” she says to him waiting as he watches her hand suspiciously.

Patience is apparently the key to dealing with him. He’s overhead Paul say it many times to different people in the hospital. Patience, understanding, and a hardened heart when it came to insults. Louis wonders if what had happened had tougher his mother slightly, made her a stronger person. After all she’d somewhat leaned on him when he’d been younger, asked a lot of him when it had come to caring for his younger siblings.

Yet now he couldn’t see that timid woman anymore, there was no hesitation or unease about her. It made him look away a sense of ugly emotion riseing.

She was doing so well…

But he wasn’t. He was shaking and and getting worked up on the inside, and although he longed to see his family again he was suddenly struck with the thought that…

He just wasn’t ready yet.

It was something that had been plaguing him all day. A thought at the back of his mind nagging him insistently. So far he’d been ignoring it, she’d really turned up and was there in front of him, smiling and laughing as he’d told her about how motherly Liam acted at times.

But now looking at her, _really_ looking at her, and the clear changes that had taken place, it was very obvious to him. He didn’t want to take that away again, he couldn’t be the reason she worried and fretted over him.

Just a little more time, time to get better, time to mend those weird thoughts that circled his mind constantly, time to change.

Of course he knew he’d never be 100%, who ever was? But he knew with the promise of seeing those people again, seeing his _family_ again, he could work towards the goal of controlling himself.

He glances at the floor and looks away from the hand that’s offering all he’d ever thought he’d wanted.

“I think… I think I need more time” he mumbles voice trailing off towards the side of the room – but it’s clear by the way the extended hand falls away that she’s heard him.

“More time?” She asks sounding a little confused and perhaps disappointed?.

A pang of annoyance surges though him at the comment. Why can’t she just understand? Quickly he reins it in and balls his hands into fists, and fighting the feeling to shout at her. It’s something that comes out of nowhere, irritation that’s so unpredictable and irrational – but it’s not unusual or at all foreign to him. In fact it almost feels… Dare he say normal?

It’s like a default setting in his mind, it’s a safe option where he feels in control.

But that’s not right…

He shouldn’t feel that, he’d never forgive himself if he lashed on one of his sisters, on his mother.

So he takes a deep breath, fills his lungs and closes his eyes.

 _One_.

_“Why don’t you think of a memory? Something to ground yourself”_

_Two._

_“Don’t fuck with my family again”_

_Three._

_"I’m locked in the stall…"_

_Four._

_“People are their worst enemies”_

_Five._

_“And you never, never ever, forget that I love you okay?”_

Finally he lets go, exhaling though his nose and feeling a little calmer. He gathers himself together, taking a moment to watch his mother’s curious expression survey him.

“I know you came all this way, and I’m… I’m really… I’m really _grateful_ ” he tells her swallowing a lump in his throat.

It’s so hard to express what he wants say! It doesn’t feel like it’s coming out right – and he’s desperate for her to understand. The natural feeling of just wanting to strike out keeps rising. But he’s _got to do this_ , if not now then he knows he never will.

“I just, I’m still not… I’m not at _that_ point yet” he pauses for another second, trying to take his time. “It might take a while. But I’ll work harder, and it’s not that I _don’t_ want to see you – or the girls. It’s just that I want to be… I want to _right_ when I do…”

The words drift off and that _horrible_ feeling he’d had back when he was in the library with Liam surfaces again. He wants to run, run and hide from this situation. Curl up in a ball and shield himself from what’s about to come.

But she doesn’t give him a chance.

Instead arms circle around him pulling him close as she kneels down to his level.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay Lou” she offers gently, a hand brushing through his hair. “You take your time. But you let me know, you tell me when you need us okay? We’ll be there, we’ll be _here_ ”

he nods weakly, still feeling like he’s let her down a little. She’d come all that way, and he’d pretty much turned her down again.

But she leaves – of course she does. It’s not on bad terms though, there’s no bitterness in her voice when she tells him she’ll see him later. There’s no “goodbye” or hint that it’s the last time. In fact she gives Josh her works telephone number and Lottie’s mobile number in case Louis needs to get in touch quickly.

It’s a huge relief somehow, and Louis knows he’s made the right decision. It’s too soon – and that’s all there is to it.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” Josh asks as they walk back to the ward side by side.

“Of course I am!” he bites back folding his arms across his chest defensively. “Don’t you dare breathe a word to the others though!”

Josh laughs good-naturedly offering a quick promise to keep his silence. It seems like it really _is_ okay.

“She seemed really understanding about it though” Josh muses thinking back to Louis’s mum’s calm expression.

“Yeah she was” Louis quietly agrees.

It’s then Josh remembers the cupcake Niall had given him. It’s currently sitting inside a plastic tupperware container inside the carrier bag swinging back and forth in his hand. He’s surprised Louis hadn’t actually commented on the contents, but he guesses he’s currently got other things playing on his mind.

“Hey, Niall asked me to give you this” he says offering the plastic bag to the smaller boy, watching as he glances suspiciously at it before taking it.

“What… What is it?” He asks in return, opening the bag to take a look inside.

“Don’t looks so worried, it’s only a cake. The boys have have baking today while you were with your mum. Niall figured you’d be hungry”

Louis raises an eyebrow at the tub, reaching in to pull it out and inspect the contents. He holds it up to Josh, glancing from underneath it, squinting at the harmless cupcake as though it were some undiscovered species.

“Niall made this?” He asks sounding every bit as suspicious as Josh had accused him of being. “You sure it’s safe?” He then says when Josh nods, although though the older lad knows that that’s not _strictly_ true. Harry had actually made it, but Louis didn’t need to know that they had been switched.

“Of course it is!” he tells him frowning as Louis carefully lifts the lid taking a animalistic sniff of the confectionary. ”You should be happy, he was worried”

Louis pauses his inspection, glancing at Josh from the corner of his eyes. Josh realises instantly that he shouldn’t have perhaps said that, but the words are already out there for Louis to take as he pleases.

Oddly enough he simple draws back a little standing up tall and proud, while fixing a smug look on his face.

“It’s not my fault I’m so special” he simple says walking ahead of Josh, taking large bite from his cupcake merrily.

It seems wonders will never cease.

-X-

Niall bounces cheerfully down the corridor, hand in hand with Harry, a smile on his lips. His companion is less than happy that they’d had to leave the comfort of their cosy room beneath the sheets. It was always a struggle in the morning to actually get the curly haired boy to move – the current method was a promise of a plate full of blueberry pancakes and a pot of vanilla yoghurt.

However breakfast was long since over, and Niall had an important meeting to attend apparently, and so they’d forgone the usual breakfast routine and instead laid around in bed for an extra half an hour. Supposedly this meeting promised an outcome of food, and it was that which had eventually swayed Harry into attending in the first place – which was odd considering Niall was more food conscious than Harry.

“Niall, slow down already!” Harry tells the blonde, stumbling down the corridor after him.

The blonde only laughs in response, grinning from ear to ear and dashing off around a sharp corner, almost sending them both hurtling to the floor. Somehow Harry comes to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what he says, Niall’s clearly too caught up in his own excitement at this point.

After everything that had happened recently they’d both sat down with Paul and spoke about their future options. One of them had been outside visits, where one of their family members would collect them and take them out for the day somewhere (provided that at least one of the staff went with them). Naturally Niall had been ecstatic upon hearing the idea and had immediately began to plan out loud.

Harry had been a little more cautious about the sudden proposal and had stared intently as Paul had continued to list off further options to them. It seems odd to give them such a chance out of nowhere – and due to the mess that had only just recently happened Harry wasn’t so up for trusting anyone so quickly. Neither was he prepared to let Niall out of his sight any time soon. Therapy sessions were one thing, but day trips into the world beyond – he didn’t think so.

So Paul had rethought it, deciding that it could be possible to let them both go if necessary; which Harry decides it definitely is. He’s concerned, but Harry doesn’t know why. As long as he’s with Niall and they’re both happy, then everything’s fine.

Which lead them to now, running through the halls at break neck speed, poor Dan a few steps behind them. He’d been collared into this mess too after Paul had come barging into their room at stupid o’clock smirking at Niall and ominously announcing that it was “time”. Time for what he didn’t know. Niall had been rather tight lipped, simply grinning at him and pressing a finger to his lips while informing him that it was “a secret” – apparently a good secret, but a secret none the less.

It annoys him, but he’s hardly about to snap at Niall for it. All the same he’s beginning to feel a little antsy about where they’re going.

Niall ends up pulling him out of the hospital in the end, they take the back exit that opens out into a long winding dirt path that leads to the visitor’s hall. It’s a grand building, much like the hospital itself, but on a much smaller scale. Big arched windows, and fancy brickwork that would make any architect proud.

But it’s not a place Harry’s been many times, and never for very long. He has no reason to since he doesn’t meet his family – in fact the only times he does ever go there are to collect Niall and occasionally say hello to Greg when he comes to visit. Although as far as he’s aware Niall doesn’t _have_ an appointment to see Greg today.

He’d been last weekend, complete with a new set of pictures of baby Theo, and many new stories of the young boy’s explorations. Apparently he was walking now, causing complete chaos about the house, and reminding Greg of a young Niall the more days went on.

So Harry could only stare up at the building in bewilderment as they ran along the path, Niall showing a toothy grin glancing back at him every now and then. What on earth did his blonde haired angel have planned this time?  

“Is Greg over again?” He can’t help but ask as they reach the front door, Dan stepping up in front of them to open the door with his key card.

Niall chews his lip, biting back a smile. Although even he looks a little nervous now, twisting his fingers together and shuffling from foot to foot. It does little for his growing anxiety to see Niall doing such things – if anything he wants to grab his hand and pull him back towards the safety of their room. It seems whatever’s waiting for them here is causing the reaction after all, and Harry urge to protect rears it head instantly.

“Will you promise me something?” Niall asks him timidly, glancing at the floor in a way that Harry _does not_ approve of.

“What is it?” He asks suspiciously reaching out to Niall and taking his hands into his own.

He waits patiently, despite the growing sense of foreboding brewing, giving Niall time. He knows not to push at this point, pushing Niall too quick never brought good results, and if anything could trigger a panic attack.

“I kind of arranged something with Paul for you…” Niall admits looking just as guilty as he sounds.

“Arranged something?” Harry echoes searching Niall for any sort of clue to what he’s talking about.

“Just please promise to not get mad” the blonde begs finally meeting his eyes.

The curly haired boy doesn’t even have to think about it. He never does when it comes to Niall. He’s been told countless times that it’s not healthy to have such trust and unwavering loyalty towards someone – and yet that’s exactly how he feels towards Niall. There just aren’t enough words the describe it - he’s just literally his whole world.

“Of course I won’t” he says firmly, making sure not to raise his voice yet still covey the clear sense of conviction that Niall needs to hear. “I could never be mad at you” he adds truthfully giving a soft smile reserved only for the Irish boy. “Come on, show me what you’ve arranged” he suggests placing a quick kiss to his cheek and pushing the door open lacing his fingers through Niall’s securely.

Dan follows them though making sure to direct them to the reception first. He steps up to the desk offering Harry’s name and his own signature in exchange for a key card that unlocks the room where Harry guessing someone’s waiting for him.

“Room four” the receptionist says pointing down the left hall.

Dan nods in return, thanking her before signalling for the other two boys to follow him. Naturally Harry steps forward first, leading the way with Niall trotting along behind him hand in hand.

Dan finds the door first, swiping the card down the reader and turning to them when the door clicks signalling it’s open.

“After you Harry” he says making a grand gesture to the door.

Harry nods taking the first step forward, he catches himself making a quick prayer to whoever’s listening that this goes well. However just as he reaches for the door he feels Niall’s hand drop away and his stomach drops. Instantly he turns round o face him staring wide eyed at the boy.

“Niall…” he whispers.

Niall stands holding his arm shifting in place. It’s clear he’s not entirely comfortable with the situation, and quite honestly Harry’s more than surprised at the defiant action he’s just made.

“I… I’ll wait here for you” he tells him.

Dumbfounded Harry can only nod back at him, taking a moment to make sure that Niall’s fine with waiting. It’s only when Niall doesn’t move or retract his decision that Harry pulls away, hand reaching for the door handle. A quick breathe later and he’s pushing forward into the room, closing the door behind him.

Immediately he’s scanning the small room, his eyes landing on a lady perched on the edge of an armchair. She’s smiling at him the moment his eyes land on her, watching him with a relieved expression.

But he can’t find his breath all of a sudden, and there’s a lump in his throat forming rapidly. His whole body trembles slightly as his mind works to catch up with the situation.

“Hello Harry”

“Mum?”

-X-

It’s been a long day Josh thinks to himself while walking among a sea of stones. Actually it’s been a long year.

He can’t quite believe how much has actually happened in the space of 12 months. Thinking about it now, he doesn’t miss his university life at all. Balancing his studies, social life, and trying to maintain the best grades possible. There’s no way he’d exchange the life he’s living now for that.

He’s happy with how things turned out, looking after the gang on ward 37 – despite the fact that one of them is out to kill him at times. He likes to think they’re on decent terms now, and that maybe in some way they’ve warmed up to him. Although he does question it at times, especially when Harry’s on the warpath, or Louis wakes up with the urge to draw blood.

Regardless of that they’re all doing much better than when he arrived; which is a blessing in itself. They all deserve it though, he knows they’ve been through hell and back, and he’s a firm believer that everyone deserves a second chance. Besides if anyone needed it he’d definitely say it was these lads.

He smiles to himself slightly as a gentle breeze catches his jacket making it flutter slightly ad it pinches a few petals from the bouquet of bright flowers he’s holding. He takes a left briskly walking down another path towards a more secluded area surrounded by shady trees.

For saying its autumn now it’s still fairly warm outside and he’s glad he’s only worn a light jacket. But soon the wet weather will more than likely begin, and Louis will be back to complaining that he can’t go out into the gardens and “get his tan on” no doubt.

He smirks at the thought and kneels down in front of a particular stone, placing the flowers down gently to the ground. Then slowly he reaches out and brushes his fingers over the name engraved into the cold surface tenderly. He smiles softly feeling a bittersweet sensation roll over him.

“Hi gran” he rasps out, clearing his throat slightly as he feels the lump of emotion begin to rise. “I did it” he whispers gently.

-X-

_"Joshua, you reached your dream didn’t you?"_

_"Mm, I did"_

_"I thought you might, I was rooting for you"_

_"Even now you’re still looking out for me aren’t you?"_

_“Well that’s the thing about losing those you love. They never really leave you”  
_

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that’s it for now. I can't believe it's done!! It's been such an emotional roller coaster, and I'm so proud of this fic - it's become like my child amost, and I hope it lives up to everyones expectiations.
> 
> Like I said before the story I’d like to add a few extras to this. So if anyone would like to suggest ideas you’re very much welcome too. Other than that you might see a Christmas extra up soon. I’ll likely just tag it onto the end of this story.
> 
> Also I thought it was a nice idea to let people make their own minds up on what happened wih Harry and his mum. I know what I'd like to think happens between them. But I also like that it's left undecided. Harry I think had the most turbulent past with his mum and I think there's a lot that needs to be said between and I just couldn't write it how I wanted it to be honest - so it's intentionally left unwritten in the end.
> 
> As Always let me know what you thought! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay just to recap:
> 
> Zayn has OCD (with his appearance), severe Anorexia and Bulimia and is known to have panic attacks.
> 
> Liam also suffers with OCD (with being clean), Depression, Self-Harm and Dyslexia and is known to sometimes be overcome with violent anger spells.
> 
> Louis is extremely violent and lashes out sometimes for no reason. He has extreme bipolar moments and Sadistic personality disorder. All in all he can be a nasty piece of work when he wants to be.
> 
> Niall has Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), which means he’s very clingy and doesn’t feel like he can do anything unless Harry is there with him and has a low self-worth. However he also had bipolar which can mean in Harry’s presence he’s the happiest being alive but can drop in 3 seconds flat to wanting to end his life and is very unpredictable. He’s also known to self-harm at times in order to feel alive, but doesn’t necessarily go to the extremes Liam does.
> 
> Harry has Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and gravitates toward Niall to the point of not wanting to be away from him and feeling extremely anxious whenever Niall is not with him. He’s also very violent when angry and will lash out at anyone he feel sis threatening Niall or him. He also self-harms and was introduced this by Niall in the past.
> 
> If anyone doesn’t understand anything, or wants to ask any questions feel free to message me and I’ll try and clear anything up!
> 
> Other than that let me know what you think so far!


End file.
